SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it "weird" to go to couples' counseling when we're only dating or is it a proactive approach to the relationship?

Not at all! I married a Catholic so had to go through "Engaged Encounter" which was a whole weekend of counseling prior to getting married. So I think it makes sense to go to counseling as a couple IF you want a future together.

For my situation, I don't see that kind of future. So I'm not interested in going to counseling with him. He's very receptive to changing things I have mentioned, but like Heart kind of said...if the total package (including strong attraction) isn't there, you are going to be missing out.

Haha, I.Will.Survive., the Catholic weekend counseling is typically called Pre Cana, and my xwh and I had to sit through it as well. You can see how THAT turned out....

Anyway, someone earlier asked me to think about what it is that I want. Here is what I can come up with:

-a relationship with more calm than fighting

-compromise and learning to compromise

-helping each other

-being able to have him understand my point of

view

-financial security

-laughter

-good to great sex (practice makes perfect?)

-a man who puts his woman ahead of others because

he knows when you're married, you're a team

Most recent husband was an athlete in his day and had the body to go with it. I learned what passion is from that experience.

So passion to a woman is that a guy be physically attractive? Sounds too simple.

LilBlackCat,

It is unwise to lump all women together. This is how ONE woman defines passion.

And in any case, it's a thread jack!

Cat, the beauty (pun intended) of people that define passion based on fitness is that anyone can become fit.

the Catholic weekend counseling is typically called Pre Cana

Yep. Did that ^^^ too, and it was ridiculous. Our parish required it of us to have a church wedding ceremony even though we were already married (civil ceremony) and I had our infant DD with us in a carrier. Biggest waste of time in my life.

One thing I did do was go through the Five Love Languages quiz early on with my SO (was pleasantly surprised he agreed, actually). This helped us understand what was important to each other, at least in the love language department. It was interesting to go through, and explained a lot to me why he leaned towards certain ways of doing things.

One thing I did do was go through the Five Love Languages quiz early on with my SO

^^^Yes to this!

I took it early on with my first SO after divorce. I was amazed at what it showed. Then he took it right in front of me and it was great to learn his love language.

I took it again 5 years later and interestingly enough, my first and second languages had shifted.

Must be due to what I was already receiving and what I was still possibly lacking! Different men, different outcomes in the different stages of life.

I highly recommend it.

Passion was not meant as he was passion because he was good looking. That was indeed part of it, but that relationship was night and day different than the first one. One there was no attraction and one there was lots of attraction.

I am very logical and visual so yes looks do have an impact on me.

Again I want all of it, comfort and passion. The man doesn't have to be the best looking man on earth, but yes, I need to feel attracted to him. That means different things to different people.

Can somebody explain to me what attraction is? Same with passion - can somebody explain it?

I'm genuinely curious. As a sociopath, I don't feel what others feel, so I'm curious to know what the meaning of the terms are.

My priorities are:

1) Comfort

2) Intellectual and Cultural Partnership

3) other forms of Parnership

4) Passion

Luckily, I've found someone who scores on all levels. I think passion is a response to the other items.

Gm6$Man- not an expert on this so I can only share what I feel. In life there have been a handful of times that I have met someone who just had a special something. Science would probably say this person reminds you of someone in your past that you loved. Usually I feel like I have known this person for a very long time even though that is not the case. There is something about them that makes them feel like home but exciting at the same time. You look at each other like there is no one else in the room. Other people can see it. You look forward to seeing this person and they look forward to seeing you. You feel happy around each other. You speak the same language or understand each other better than others.

Passion is like the most powerful kiss u can imagine. It almost is painful as you feel like you might lose your breath. Like u have waited your whole life for this moment.

Hope this is helpful and sorry u have not had this experience.

Thank you. Those are very understandable definitions.

I had attraction and passion for XWH even after 26 years together. We didn't have a perfect marriage, but I still got those feelings along with comfort - until I didn't. He's such a dumbass.

Then my first relationship post-D, I thought was pure passion, but in hindsight it was pure lust. He made me feel desirable - just one look from him and I was ready to head to the bedroom. But he was a horrible person and bad for me. I wanted to be able to have NSA sex, but once I got those endorphins - I started catching feelings. I was reeling from the D and in no way ready to face all that.

With my current SO, the attraction was a slow build. I fell in love with him as a person and that led to passion. But we also have comfort. Of course I'm older (57) and he will soon turn 70.

I feel pretty blessed to have experienced all these feelings even though the outcome was not always good.

NL

Hey peeps, just poking my head in on the good discussion. Here's what I think...

I struggled with the same question up until, well up until a few months ago. Back and forth back and forth, etc. Comfort vs passion, security vs. desire...well, you know what I mean.

Then...I realized that I had once again lost focus of myself in all this. Spending so much time focused on how someone else makes me feel, think, etc. that I lost track of how I feel. I started paying more attention to me. How I think and feel in each moment. What am I doing with MY life that helps me to feel fulfilled and joyous...then here's the kicker...I did not ask myself if HE brought those things into my life. I asked myself if he fit into that life that I enjoyed. Did he enhance it.

The answer then became quite clear. My lack of desire and passion was due to a lack of desire and passion for life. Depression. Fear. You name it, you'll find it in the post-betrayal goodie bag. BUT, taking my focus off of deciding helped me (and him) slide into a much more interesting place...where some butterflies and desire were lurking.

It's still not full-fledged, but it is so nice. I don't judge myself or the situation when it's not there. I enjoy it when it is. I am open and honest with him about it all. My love for him grows every day.

I once read/heard something along these lines and I find it to be quite accurate in my experience...When we have a history of bad relationships, perhaps the reason the one we are in feels "boring" or lack-luster is a good thing. Perhaps the spark we are looking for is what ended up burning us alive in the past. That spark is a sign that something hits our sensitive spots (from childhood, etc.) and fits us (including our unhealthiness at the time).

If you are happy and you are honest with him about where you stand, I would enjoy the relationship while it lasts.

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 12:20 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

I’m at the previously reference “stage” where passion is thought less important.

I will NEVER settle again. The comfort and friendship can come from friends. If I have a romantic relationship again, I will not have one without passion.

I’ve had that, and I’d rather have none at all. Which is not to say I think all relationships sans passion devolve into infidelity. Just that I value it. I was too young and stupid when I married my HS sweetheart (after waiting through college and a couple of years after—thought I really knew the guy; turns out when you don’t live with someone? They can pretend to be mighty passionate on the occasions you’re together. Add cohabitation and responsibility? Nope, doesn’t work, IMO.)

I just want to say that I have detested sex due to my ex and his sexual abuse.

I found the most amazing, funny, secure, emotionally sound, thoughtful, commanding man ever...I wasn't attracted to him at first. I assumed I wouldn't have a second day with him. But there was a day he was texting me about something that made me feel so safe and secure with him and I suddenly couldn't stop thinking about having sex with him.

I have only had sex with a few guys..count on 1 hand. But I am an adult and I liked him and I wanted to do it. I was nervous..but he was such an opposite to my ex..I wasn't scared of him hurting me and he is soo good. He's a pure gentleman l, but dang...love him in bed. Gosh..I'm blushing.

Last night, SO and I had a "talk". Somehow we landed on the topic of our future together. He is 6 years older than I am and of an age that makes him feel if he is to remarry and have kids, it needs to happen sooner than later. Me, being that much younger, am in no rush to make those things happen--admittedly also because of my only other experience with marriage which ended in D due to infidelity.

My SO told me that he isn't trying to rush me but he will eventually need to know what I want and that isn't going to be something he waits 3 years to hear. Of course, this is fair.

I guess I have some deep soul-searching to do...

JG how long have you and SO been together?

It has been a year. It was rocky, to say the least. For a few months in the beginning, I would break things off with him when we would have an argument because we have very different beliefs about a great many things...but the latter half of the year we have been doing just fine. Maybe finally learning the ins and outs of each other? Finally accepting?

Anyway, it has been a year.

I read this entire post and your original question was given terrific responses that made you then realize some very significant incompatibility issues with your SO.

Honey, why oh why would you even consider a future with him?? Please don’t. Maybe I’m way off base, but there is nothing about this guy that really floats your boat. Never mind the fact that he has a short fuse...that is something that NEVER gets better. You’re too young to not find the happiness you seek from a relationship. This current relationship has had issues from the start. Please, please, please don’t settle. Start 2018 happy and fulfilled. ((Jelly))