SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Imagine how that conversation would go.

WW: Hey, remember that time... you know, the one where I wrecked your life. I destroyed your self esteem. I ruined your image if myself? Remember?

Yeah. Good times, huh?

Late to the party & I know you’ve posted since this & asked your wife question already. I just wanted to say that this

all WS should compensate and make life better for the BS because they destroyed their BSs life )

is the truest thing I have ever read on SI. I read thus & thought ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

Why is this not acknowledged enough?? WS RUIN BS’ lives. Not heir week or month or 2-5 years healing- their LIFE. That’s not a sign of weakness in the BS, that’s sign of the severity of the trauma that was done TO them BY the WS. It didn’t just happen.

Im so disappointed (but not surprised) by how youve been spoken to on your thread asking for help. I highly doubt that it would be allowed for WS to be spoken to like that by BS or even WS. For some reason BS are supposed to be MORE able to handle it- yeah right, don’t hold back, it’s not like

they’re suffering from trauma & possible suicidal anything.

The WS should heal the BS. People say they can’t and I always wonder is they can’t, or won’t?

Some haven’t properly read what you have said & they are puttint words in your mouth. You never said she had to be a mind reader. You said she should have enough sense to know you’re hurting & initiate a conversation. All a WS needs is a brain to know that their BS is hurting. Not rocket science or mind reading. It’s facetious and childish the way they are active if as if you said you want her to guess what you want for lunch.

So is Wool94 for telling you to imagine how the conversation would go. No one said a WS will enjoy having the conversation or that it would be easy. Doesn’t matter. WS should initiate it anyway . They want to protect themselves not the BS from hurting more. Then being selfish is a reason, not an EXCUSE. Instead of telling OP it’s a legitimate reason so he should accept it, we should be telling him it’s a selfish excuse & you SHOULDN'T be the one to initiate every conversation because she can’t get it through her head that she hurt you.

All a WS has to do is UNDERSTAND their BS is upset, & ASK if there’s anything they can do to help. See? Not hard. She’s not doing that cause she’s not a mind reader. She’s not doing that because she’s selfish. It won’t necessarily make you feel better to ask her for something & have her do it. It is much more likely you’ll feel better if she uses her brain to take initiative & does it herself without waiting to be asked like a child.

Oh &:

- There’s NO WAY a WW doesn’t know her BH will compare their penis size to the AP. That’s BS. Women know enough about me to know how this would tie into their self esteem.

-of a BW said she’s not doing her husband’s laundry/cooking & talking control of finances that would be fine. So I’m not here for people acting like this makes OP bad. He NEVER said anything about her being a slave. She SHOULD be making amending for the amount of time that it hurts him- which so happens to be FOREVER. That’s HER fault.why should he have to be punished foreve by she can’t help him forever. We can’t all heal easily by taking a bath & convincing ourselves that we need to change because our spouses had an affair.

What happed to ‘the A had nothing to do with you’? Then why does the BS automatically need to improve?

OP you’re right. She should be doing everything she can to make your life as good as it can be AFTER she ruined it. Now you have to live with the fact that you’r life isn’t what you want it to be. There’s no IC in the world that can convince you or I that that it okay or some amazing opportunity. That’s not what you signed up for so it’s not fair and you DON’T have to suck it up. She should be healing you. I think a lot of BS say BS have to heal themselves because their WS didn’t try to heal them. That’s not good enough. You break it, you fix it. She gave you the insecurity- she should do everything to take it away.

Contact an attorney so she can’t take half of what you own. Best of luck, I personally don’t think there’s many faithful men in the world, & they deserve better.

SearchingJuly ---- I have been on this site. for 14 long years. In those years, few posts have truly been as accurate as yours. I think I have read and re-read your post every single day. It is right on target to everything a BS deals with. You nailed it.

Ticked Off and Searching July-

( I am the OP )

I agree Searching July's post is excellent and full of common sense.

I dont think most WSs have any idea how much it hurts to have your spouse cheat on you especially if it is a longer term affair or contains a lot of sex. I also agree the reason they don't do the common sense things is because they are extremely selfish. The suggestion that a WSs priority is to work on themselves rather than care for their BS is selfishness.

Fucking someone else while you are married is one of the most selfish, self-centered things a person can do. My wife fucked another man for thrills dozens of times over several months and it destroyed me. I now sleep 3-4 hours per night, I am hypervigilant ( paranoid ), can't think straight ( decreased cognition and concentration ), feel sexually worthless for the first time in my life ( she fucked a man with a bigger penis than me after I have been faithful to her for 27 years ), I feel emasculated, feel so depressed I am not productive at work, have mind movies of her fucking her AP who was much better looking than me including taller and has more muscles. Worst of all I live in emotional agony every hour I am awake. ( literally all of these are a direct result of her actions )

Oh, I forgot to mention I worry about getting a divorce and splitting all the money which would require splitting a multigenerational family business.

It is common fucking sense that she do every thing under the sun to make me feel better and care for me. If the roles were reversed I would be doing everything under the sun to make her feel better and care for her because it is common sense to help heal someone you love after you eviscerate them. This is in direct contradiction to the line of thinking that the WS heals the WS and the BS heals the BS which is a load of crap for the most part.

So, in a common sense world the WS does need to create a new relationship worth keeping because they destroyed the old one and caused massive harm to their BS. If they can't or won't do the work to compensate for the damage they did to the BS or the relationship the BS should get a new spouse.

I'm the meantime I will continue paying all my WWs bills for the luxurious lifestyle she lives at my expense while I work 70 hours per week.

In summary, if my wife came to me in my current condition which she caused by fucking another man while married to me and said she first needs to work on herself and not help me heal then all of her shit would be thrown on the front lawn that day. Unfortunately for her everything including the house is in my name alone.

( I just re-read this post and realized it is a rant that could have been summerized by saying it is more important for the WS to care for the BS than "work on themselves" )

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 8:58 PM, August 17th (Friday)]

MinnisotaManInWi I don't have a lot to add I think others have given you good advice and the best insight coming from a ww.

It is obvious you are in some serious pain. I hope you get the answers your looking for and they help heal you.

Can I ask if this om was all that you think he is, why did you ww not take off with om?

Also just throwing this out there, personally I don't want ws to initiate that sort of discussion and never did, I wanted control of what and when I wanted to ask everything, BUT I expected everything to be answered when I asked and truthfully.

One last thing, I agree with you stopping the cooking etc for you wife and expecting her to pick up the slack, nothing wrong with that but if you haven't sat her down and told her why you are pulling back and why you expect her to pick it up then it seems like stand off with no real outcome.

I really think for you to heal better you need to communicate your expectations from here. Many times I felt that I shouldn't have to tell ws things, he should just get it. The fact for mine was he just didn't get it, not for a long time and he still gets it wrong sometimes but he is trying.

Angel- yes I told her why I am pulling back and expect her to do much more around the house. She understands.

My WW did not take off with him because she didn't love him. He is beneath her but he is good looking and has a bigger penis so she fucked him until she started getting bored.

My wife has done virtually nothing since Dday except one time making a sincere apology. In her defense, I avoid her like the plague.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 9:16 PM, August 17th (Friday)]

So if your wife left tomorrow, do you think you’d just get over all that you’re feeling, MinnisotaMan?

Loukas-

If my wife left tomorrow many of my problems would decrease because they are related to her but then she would take a chunk of my family business which would be disastrous.

okay that's a start, do you think you could try and sit down with her even for say half an hour to try and get some of your questions answered? the ones that are really bugging you that you need to hear from her or maybe write them down and get her to fill in the answers? I think if you keep her at plaques length you can't get what you need. If anything it gives her breathing space and possibly the feeling of all is okay, you're just a bit angry and will get over it.

I totally get the sex stuff, my ws A was about sex only. MOW was older than me and not very attractive, her body type similar, maybe thinner at the time but with that comes all sorts of other self questioning that I had to process. Maybe I was strange but I thought I would have liked ws ap to have be attractive because when I saw her I questioned how bad I must look. But I really think the further along you get in this pile of shit we are wading through you realise that it really doesn't matter if ap was sexy, has a big penis or huge breasts etc or were bland, they were shit inside and way beneath you and I. That is the most important thing you need to keep telling yourself.

One of the reasons my ws has said that he does not like talking about the sex side of things is because it disgusts him now that he actually did it and how much it has hurt me and damaged our relationship in general. But he does talk.

BTW just a thought, your ww ap might be beneath her in terms of socially or monetary but as people they really were equal.

I guess it’s time to figure out what her share is worth and sign that cheque then isn’t it?

At least that’s the simplest solution in everything I’m reading. I’m not sure how she’s gonna make your dick grow, or make you more attractive, or more muscular. Since you don’t believe you have to heal your own self esteem and your wife isn’t interested in trying to do it for you, what choices do you have left? Open marriage, I suppose?

I agree with Searchingjuly. WS’s ruin the BS’s life, especially their self-esteem. They should be putting the effort in to heal them for all the pain & suffering they put them through. I have asked WH questions and the answer (or silence) was very painful. I always expect to hear a “but” afterwards and I don’t. Ex....”OW was attractive.” Would’ve been nice to hear, right after that, “but you’re so much prettier.” Every now & then WH does compliment me but it's never after a question about the OW or the A. And, that’s when I needed to hear it the most.