SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TICKED OFF - you’re a frickin saint! I’ve never laid eyes on OW - I have descriptions of her but that’s it. I’m seriously not sure I wouidnt have ruined my life if I was ever in punching range...

sassylee, unfortunately I have laid eyes on ow many times. At one point when we were friends, her, her hubby and kids went camping with us. She wanted me to stand guard at the door in the open showers at the campsite. She took so long that I looked in to tell her to hurry up. There she was in all of her glory in the buff. (description - under 4' 09", about 160 lbs. It was not a pretty site. Still haunts me. Afterward she said to me in her very broken English, "oh no, I dee-dint won jew to see me lie tha ................

Obviously she didn't mind my stupid ass h seeing her lie tha

Min, I can feel your pain , anger and frustration in your post.

Your feelings are 100% warranted and valid.

As gently as possible,

Even though this A is 100% your WW fault, it is your responsibility to heal from this.

Super unfair , I know.

One day at a time.

I would love to see data showing the number of times WS start conversations about the affair with the BS after Dday and the association to successful R. I bet there is a strong association.

Stats on recovery from adultery are hard to come by. You want some tiny specific subset to change your demands that you WW read your mind and do your healing for you?

Here's the stats on other people reading your mind: 0%

Damn man...do you read anything we write?

Good luck with your view that your WW should read your mind about what you need to heal, that she she should heal you, and that she should be your slave from now on.

Peace out.

[This message edited by WornDown at 10:58 PM, August 8th (Wednesday)]

WornDown-

I have been cooking dinner almost every night

For years for my wife.

I am done cooking dinner for a woman who fucks other men while she is married to me.

I am also done doing her laundry and taking care of her car.

If she wants to fuck other men while we are married she can have those men do her chores and pay her bills.

I also stopped paying her car payment, car insurance and many of her other bills. I told her to get a full time job if she wants to fuck other people while we are married.

[This message edited by MinnisotaManInWi at 11:46 PM, August 8th (Wednesday)]

Is that what she's said? She wants to continue fucking other men?

Divorce her then.

How about you actually tell us what your story/situation is, vs posting threads trying to justify you lack of action to help yourself and/or justify treating you wife like a slave.

Both actions guaranteed to bring you pain.

Stop fucking about and post up your story.

I am done cooking dinner for a woman who fucks other men while she is married to me.

I am also done doing her laundry and taking care of her car.

If she wants to fuck other men while we are married she can have those men do her chores and pay her bills.

I also stopped paying her car payment, car insurance and many of her other bills. I told her to get a full time job if she wants to fuck other people while we are married.

MinnisotaManInWi..... What's her disposition considering the changes you've made towards her. Is she looking for a job? Is she cooking your meals? What's she doing to help you?

I'm sorry to keep posting with ideas that you don;t want, but there are other readers who might benefit, so...

I would love to see data showing the number of times WS start conversations about the affair with the BS after Dday and the association to successful R. I bet there is a strong association.

Actually http://www.dearpeggy.com/free-pdfs/help-for-therapists.pdf provides some anecdotal evidence that talking about the A and getting answers to questions helps R, but it doesn't talk about who initiates the conversations, IIRC.

Does your W think the same way you do? My W sure doesn't think like I do.

When she initiates conversations, she sets the framework, and I often get lost.

When I initiate, I set the frame, and she responds in ways that I understand. So I get a lot more out of Q & A sessions when I initiate, and I believe that the person who wants the info is the person who should ask.

Jorge-

I don't really know her disposition toward me after I made the changes toward her.

I know I am not cooking dinner every night for a woman who fucks other men while she is married to me.

I made her dinner almost every night for years and years. That ended with her fucking another man dozens of times.

We both eat out individually. She can barely cook mac and cheese.

She doesn't do much to help me and I don't talk to her much..

Thanks Sisoon

My wife does not think like me concerning her affair. I am pretty sure she thinks it isn't that big of a deal but I don't really know.

I thought we were doing pretty well except maybe marriage was getting boring in retrospect. I don't really know.

You make some good points but right now I am obsessed with two specific points on sex.

I felt vindicated after reading SpaceGhosts entire thread. He also found the idea that she preferred sex with AP to be intolerable.

The problem is that you don’t know if your wife preferred AP sex vs you sex because you’re afraid to ask. Any action made in fear after an affair is a problem. Spaceghost wasn’t afraid to talk to his wife, she wasn’t expected to read his mind. He told her how he felt and allowed her to respond.

Spaceghost decided the affair was a dealbreaker and divorced. Perhaps that’s the best route for you as well.

My wife has never NEVER not even once brought up her affair. She will answer any questions that I have. (reluctantly) But she has never brought up anything about her affair. I asked her why she never brought it up and she said "why ruin a good moment with that?" I get it. Why get up everyday yelling "only 214 days till April 15 and we have to file our taxes" Who wants to think about that??

I think the most obvious answer is that people tend to not want to discuss their shameful, horrible, and downright evil actions because it makes them feel shameful, horrible, and evil human beings.

I can relate to this even though I am not a WS. I tend to not relish talking about times I've made stupid choices or hurt someone else. And those times pale in comparison to anything like infidelity.

Honestly, I know where you are coming from, but I wouldn't hold my breath that she'll one day want to smash the little bits that are left of your heart while looking you right in the eye. If she had that much of a backbone, she wouldn't have cheated or lied to you in the first place.

Minn. I’m sorry for you. Like you - I was a good wife and my H had two EAs.

He no longer has privileges or me catering g to him liked he used to. I redefined my role in our M. Maid service and errand girl are no longer on my go to list.

Most cheaters do not bringup the A. They are cowards.

Regarding the sex. You seem to believe your W had an A b/c of something wrong in your M. But the reason is your W had an A b/c there is something wrong with her!!!!

It wasn’t your sex life or your cooking or your weight or your age that caused her to have an A.

My H had an A with a millenial tattooed airhead. Total bimbo. Me? Smart funny and in better shape than the OW. His A wasn’t b/c I am not fun or interesting or attractive. It was b/c he had a mid life crisis!!! He was getting an ego boost that a young girl was interested in him.

She could have been anyone. Same as the AP for your wife. He could have been anyone.

Have you heard the phrase “the cheater always Affairs down”?

The AP is not better. They are just available at the moment.

TheFirstWife-

Thank you for your comments.

I agree that refusing to bring up the affair is cowardly.

Brining up the affair and discussing it in detail is crucial. My wife should bring it up once per day. She rarely does.

I honestly don't know how to make of all this. It is a fucking nightmare that I have to worry about who my wife fucked after knowing her for 27 years.

I have been cooking dinner almost every night

For years for my wife.

I am done cooking dinner for a woman who fucks other men while she is married to me.

I am also done doing her laundry and taking care of her car.

If she wants to fuck other men while we are married she can have those men do her chores and pay her bills.

I also stopped paying her car payment, car insurance and many of her other bills. I told her to get a full time job if she wants to fuck other people while we are married.

I have just recently started to do my WS 's laundry again after 6 years and cook a meal here and there during the week.

All bets were off after D-day that's the way it goes after these things. I for one wasn't going to put myself out anymore after D-Day.

Why get up everyday yelling "only 214 days till April 15 and we have to file our taxes" Who wants to think about that??

I love this quote!

Minnesota, how did you learn about the affair?

From my perspective this is a complicated matter and you've heard great advice already.

I believe it boils down too:

1) THey don't want to face the shame, guilt of their actions. After all if they could face themselves, they would never had cheated right?

2) In my WW's case, she doesn't want me to think differently of her. Can we say, UM your still delusional? Of course I look at you differently, for eight months you were a monsterous whore. Which tells me she's still afraid in certain instances to face herself.

3) In my WW's case, she is afraid of my reaction. She came from relationships of abuse that was never dealt with (or acknowledged until affair disclosure time). Early on, I would literally lose it emotionally. Thus that scared little girl still can't always dissociate the present from the past.

4) Some times and I still believe this on occasion. They are protecting themselves and the AP. After all, if they bring it to the light of day, it gets exposed. Which again goes back to my points 1 and 2.

5) They are cowards and selfish.