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Tamp down on your KISA Hold - (that's knight in shining armor). That reflex is going to make things hurt harder and longer than necessary.

Also - as far as cleaning the apartment, tell her you're going to hire a service to do a deep clean on such and such a date. She can either split the fee or allocate from her share of the deposit. Don't ask her to clean.

Just read through your thread...I’m so very sorry. I could feel the pain in your words like it was my own :( I definitely see the similarities..from being like two peas in a pod to my STBXWH also needing “space” even down to the petty disagreements. Random couples while out locally or traveling would be drawn to us and even asked sometimes if we were “honeymooners”. When shit hit the fan, my STBXWH claimed even if he is “making a mistake” he has to do it and pay whatever the consequences are. Oh and he too “fell out of love”. He was no doubt my best friend. I feel like I could’ve died on spot when I read the love note he wrote in an already sappy “between you and me” card for the OW claiming that SHE was undoubtedly his best friend.

I never in a trillion years would’ve thought my husband would have cheated and on top of that, left in a path of destruction. The first month was torture. I literally thought I might die from a broken heart and the myriad of emotions I went through. To be honest, some days I prayed I would as I felt like death would be preferred to the pain. Thanks to family, friends, therapy and the amazing people on SI, I’m still here, feeling a little stronger and able to let you know that the intense feelings you have right now will subside. You are right out the gate from it all so it’s raw, I know it. I totally understand the “wish to push this unlikely event into being likely”. Man was I there. I’m ashamed to say some days, even after so much time (2 months NC officially), I still find myself there. I’m slowly getting past the denial part and into acceptance. More like acceptance with a side of denial if I’m honest.

I’m shocked that your wife would go back to someone who was abusive...I believe it’s been longer than she is letting on to feel comfortable enough to jump ship like that. This is SO not your fault! Who she chose to help ruin your marriage alone is a big red flag that she has issues beyond what your love could help.

It’s good to know you are keeping healthy, fit, etc. especially with it being only 3 weeks+ out from D-DAY!! You will be in such a better place 3 months from now as long as you stay the course. You’ll likely still be on the emotional rollercoaster, but the “drops” hopefully won’t be as frequent.

We’re all here for you!

Update:

Just found out that she is telling people that she is lonely that no one, family nor friends, is supporting her or on her side.

She has been begging friends to “double date” with her and her AP, and no one will oblige.

She has started drinking and smoking cigarettes and apparently looks tired and “unhappy.”

She has been telling people that she is so happy and in love, and showing photos of her and AP. People have seen this as her trying to prove her love and happiness and it comes off as ingenuine and desperate.

In the long run, Waywards don’t get what they expect, they get what they deserve

She has been telling people that she is so happy and in love, and showing photos of her and AP.

Now, Hold2win, I have to ask this and it may not be pleasant to ponder. Was she like this as well when you and her first started to date after she supposedly broke up with her exBF? Think long and hard about that. If you are up to it, ask her family and your mutual friends if they noticed this, too. The family and friends may see this pattern much more from their point of view over her obvious acting job for acceptance and validation. This points to what I mean about how she may not have been the person you thought she had been all along, and the person you are seeing now is the real version of her. She is a walking, talking void and a chameleon, constantly seeking validation and adopting other peoples' image, view and definition of what is "happy" and not really finding her own self and her own way to be happy. Her soul is a bucket full of holes and no matter what its filled with it will never be enough.

I strongly believe that she will at some point come back to you to use you again, not love you as you thought. Be VERY cognizant of this when that time comes. That is why she is trying to "friend" your family members, to maintain a foot in the door for that future opportunity.

@Jduff

From what I remember, she did not parade our relationship around to anyone. Even back then she didn’t have but a handful of friends.

That was also before cell phones with cameras became a big thing, and neither of us had one.

We actually got together for about one month, then I went on a month long trip overseas. We stayed in contact via Skype multiple times a day. When I returned we got back together instantly, she picked me up from the airport, and set us up with a new apartment.

I don’t have anyone to ask about this because: she didn’t have many friends then, had little contact with her family, and I don’t remember seeing or hearing of it. That’s not much to go on, but it’s something

Edit: she has also asked a few mutual couples to double date with them, they all told her no

[This message edited by Hold2win at 10:24 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Are those handful of friends still in touch? Are any of them mutual friends up to today?

The handful of friends, from her past there is only one. I spoke with him a few times.

Other than that, mutual friends and her friends are my friends, also they are newer friends (last three years or so)

I sent a PM. Check your inbox.