SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HTW,

Be glad this happened while you still have lots of life to live, and I believe no kids.

The problem with scumbag ex'es is that they are always waiting for an opening back to an ex, as they are constantly destroying relationships. This would have been worse at 45 with 2 kids.

Possibly if you take her back this OM will reappear 10 years from now and again 25 years from now.

Dodged a bullet.

Hold2win,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would bet she was in touch with him when she asked you if you were ok with it...I bet she was trying to justify her actions then.

It was an emotional affair then a physical affair. She is trying to blameshift, rug sweep and gas light. In other words....avoiding the blame. She is responsible for this.

As a nurse, I get how complex school is and the last couple of months will be intense especially as you move towards boards. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't suddenly have some attendance issues or loss in grades. As hard as it is...try to compartmentalize the pain during school. For you...you have to finish this, and you can do it. While studying...give your self time off to ruminate over things..then get back to school. I went back for a degree after my FWH A....it actually did me some good because I was focused on studying....try to do this. try to ignore her during school...hang in there. She is the broken one...you just get the pain of the break.

When they want to be with another man, they will rewrite the marriage history and ask for separation just before they get physical. None of us are perfect, including your WW and the OM. If I were you, no kids, young, about to become a nurse...I’d wish them both the best, out them both to the community, do the 180, file for divorce and work on being the best nurse and man of integrity that I could be. Let them enjoy the consequences of their poor decisions. She will be back in two or three months wanting to throw that old lovin on ya. You better be prepared with your decision.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 5:24 PM, February 17th (Sunday)]

Concentrate on your schooling. You're young enough to find a better person to spend the rest of your life with, so know that you will come out the other side much better off, even though it'll hurt for awhile.

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She has given you the gift of a view into the future.

I’m so sorry.

My husband was my best friend too. That is the most difficult part of all this.

The shock and pain and then my one person who was always there not only isn’t, but is the source of the pain.

Its so screwed up.

I totally understand that you are heartbroken right now, and you are receiving a lot of advice on that.

But you should slowly start to ponder that you dodged a bullet here. Many BS have faced what you are facing but after decades, with children, and mingled finances.

In your case, after you get over this (and I'm not saying it's easy), you are in prime position to enjoy your life, and and to find someone that deserves you.

Hang in there, use the final phase of school to get your mind off her and your marriage, but proceed with filing the divorce papers, ASAP. If oyu change your mind, you can stop it, if you don't you will be in a good position at graduation.

If I were a betting man the odds are pretty good that he will abuse her like he did in the past, sooner or later.

IMO there is also a good chance she may burnout her final months of the year, without a responsible guy like you understanding and keeping her going on track she might not have the discipline to finish up.

There is also a really good chance she will remember why XBF is XBF and come back to you and apologize and cry. A lot.

Good luck with the new career!

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Finishing school is the priority for you as well as getting through the pain of infidelity. You can do this!!!!

We are here to support you however we can.

Do not let HER CHOICE to cheat derail your career. You will deeply regret that decision later.

Hey everyone, OP here,

I am so grateful for all of your advice—it really means the world to me.

I am posting here because I want to stop burdening my friends and family from my problem. I still talk to my close family about it.

It’s been three weeks to date, and I have been going through the many downs and few ups.

I just miss our relationship so much, so many memories. I accepted her with all of her issues.

Doing my best with school, emptying out my stuff from the apartment today. Finances separated. Couple more steps to go.

It all feels unreal, like a lucid nightmare.

When he starts abusing her again please don’t be the good guy she runs to. I’ve seen poor guys who women keep hanging on and use what people the abuser is their primary relationship and the good guy is the one she uses.

Yep - have the domestic violence shelter number available when she comes crying back needing to escape again. Do not let her land on your couch. She fired you from that safety net. Send her to the shelter.

Your OP was a tough read, quite sad. Hang in there, leave her in the rear view mirror, things will get better. A couple of thoughts:

She started talking about wanting a separation or space apart during the summer of 2018. This was a reasonable request and I’ll tell you why. We have been in nursing school working towards getting our bachelor’s degrees together since 2016. We have lived in a studio apartment together since 2012. Basically, we were together 24/7, doing everything together nearly all the time.

No that's not reasonable. It's called being married and being students. Rather than making it a challenge, and persevering, she bailed.

She asked me if she could reach out to her abusive ex-boyfriend. Reasons included were that they had a “good friendship” before they dated, and he was the only person from her past that was willing to be friends with her. Naturally, I said no, that is a bad idea. She did it anyway, telling me that I have to let her make her own descisions.

That is cold man, brrrr. At this point she's not really thinking about you and your marriage. It was over right here.

I want to stop burdening my friends and family from my problem

I highly doubt you are burdening them.

You will do a lifetime of helping others, and you need to learn to let others help you.

If a friend came to you with this issue, would you find it burdensome? Accept the help when you need it.

You ca, of course, post here as often as you wish

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 1:09 PM, February 18th (Monday)]

The many ups and downs is what we call the emotional roller coaster. The dips and the highs are extreme at first but over time they settle down more and flatten out. On average it takes about 2 years to heal from infidelity. For the time being you will have to figure out how to manage your triggers, the reminders of your WW.

What you are missing from her is the person you thought she was, the woman she pretended to be not the person she is now. I'm willing to bet she has hidden that version of herself really well from the beginning, fooled you, each others families and friends, fooled everyone except her abusive exBF. He knows her real well. He knows how to pull her strings.

It all does seem surreal at first, like maybe somehow you got transported into another dimensional version of yourself but with a cheating spouse, and that all you want is to go back to your original dimension where none of this ever happened. Hold2win, I always say that the hardest initial step out of infidelity is first accepting your new reality. Once you find acceptance you will find your real anger. That anger must be turned to energy and focus.

My current wife is in an accelerated nursing program so I know the amount work that is involved. I think brkn_heartd is right in that your WW's coursework is going to suffer from this point forward. For many, infidelity is a fantasy escape from life's stresses and issues. She will ride the euphoric feelings for a little while until her exBF literally hits her with reality. She will likely be crawling back. Do not take her in. Have her go back to her family and they call the police. You no longer need to be a part of her crazy circus anymore. Detach, detach, detach.

Hang in there. You are doing great so far.

Sorry to hear about your situation Hold. So she stuck with you long enough for you to help her through college and now she's on to her old boyfriend. Her behavior is normal cheater behavior. The cheater re-writes history and says they've been out-of-love for many months or years when in truth they only fell out-of-love after they got with someone else. You shouldn't feel bad about anything that you did. No matter what changes you might have made she would still have done this eventually. You're actually lucky that she revealed her true self before you invested further into the marriage and possibly ended up with kids involved. That would've been even more hellacious than it already is. Employ the 180 that's discussed in the Healing Library. It will help with the emotional ups and downs. Don't talk to her or even look at her if you can help it. Also, divorce her quickly before you get out of college. The best time to divorce is while you have nothing. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose in a divorce. I'm hoping for a speedy recovery for you.

@Jduff

The many ups and downs. Oh man, the ups are pretty few and not very “up,” while the downs are often and some get really low.

So you think that she really pretended to be this person, but never was? My moms comment is similar in that she thinks my stbx was playing house.

Her school may indeed suffer. I just disconnect myself from all of our financial ties, and upon examination I found some issues for her: she has overspent her budget already, she is going out drinking 4+ times per week, she has bought him the same brand of underwear that I own.

Also, she has tried to add my cousin (who has no relationship with) on Snapchat. Why would she try to add her on Snapchat?

The messed up thing for me is that IF she would take all of the steps needed for reconciliation, I would likely take her back. Then again, it’s just been three weeks and I know my mind isn’t right.

@Dismayed2012

I really, really wish that this personality she is displaying is not her true self. But I am moving towards accepting it for what it really is. It is so hard to do. I really put 100% of myself, my love, my everything, into our relationship. To be ripped away from me, for us to not be an “us,” the magnitude of this feeling of betrayal, loss and abandonment is something unmeasurable in my mind right now.

Understanding that nothing was my fault is something I am also coming to terms with. We spoke last week and she said that “all of it is [her] fault” and that she “deserves whatever bad things are coming to her.”

She had the audacity to tell me that she expected me to keep the true story private from family and friends. She has been going around telling people that she simply fell out of love, that our relationship isn’t working, and that we are separated. All of the truly nasty details, she has left out. That is likely guilt blocking the truth from herself.

I am doing my best guys. Please keep commenting, it really means the world to me right now. All of you are helping me so much. I am truly grateful, thank you.

With all of the love I can muster... Snap out of it and get mad. You are not to blame and don’t deserve this.

Think about this, she chose an abusive piece of crap over a loving husband. That does not compute to me. Are you sure this guy abused her? Did she maybe make it all up?

Think about it since she is making up stories about you now. You need to get the truth out there and make her face the consequences of being a cheating lying woman. The best way to put a wedge between her new guy is to expose her.

You two are almost identical. You’re in the same program in school and you decided NOT to go out and bang old girlfriends. You decided to honor your vows and not leave her all alone. You were in the same marriage so it must have been a huge effort on your part not to go screw other women! What I am telling you is she is full of crap.

Out her to everyone since she went from your bed to his on the same day. Trust me when I say life gets harder when you have kids. In your case she would walk out on you, or you could be raising kids that are not yours.

You are the victim here. I hope you don’t get what you want. She is not a good person and she treated you like a piece of poop on her shoe. You are too good for her.

@SpaceGhost

You speak it true, just like everyone (nearly everyone) that I have spoken to. Both here and friends and family, all say pretty much the same thing.

What I have going for me about decisions: I know that I am thinking emotionally, and that I am rationally wrong.

—

I know for a fact that he has abused her physically and emotionally. So that part of her story is true

Hold2win, there are many stories here where the wayward was not who they actually were. It was a facade to hide their true selves. The point being, those waywards were not authentic as individuals. I'm not saying your WW plotted to fool you all along. I think initially she wanted to be the wife that you hoped for but it was more acting than actually "being" this person. I think her studies weren't progressing along as you think before your Dday. I think she was already spiraling and beating herself up, destroying her own self worth, thinking she wasn't going to measure up to your expectations and standards so she now bottom feeds with her exBF because she thinks that who she is only good for. I know you placed no such expectations on her but that is often what waywards tell themselves as part of their rationalizations to cheat. To her, cheating is an escape from stress and crisis. But even if you want to R with her, pay careful attention to how she is handling this crisis of her own doing. She is drinking, overspending, fucking her abusive exBF while still married to you, all this for just going through nursing program? The next big stressor in life is going to be having your first child. I can only imagine your WW getting in touch with the abusive exBF again, leaving you and the baby on your own.

R is hard enough for couples when both want that as a goal. When your wayward spouse has deeply rooted issues that were there before you met her you are looking at worse odds of a successful R. She needs to fix her broken first and foremost before she could even be a safe person for anyone in any relationship, much less an R. That could take years. Right now she is padding that recovery span even further getting back with her abusive exBF. Healing from infidelity between a couple trying R is around 5 years. That's a lot of years to burn for just a "what if?" when you could spend them in a healthy environment, in a healthy new life and career, sharing that with a healthy minded, emotionally balanced, self-sufficient and strong new woman in your life. That's the two paths you have before you and you are at that fork in the road.

Also, I would advise the cousin of yours and any other family memember to cut all ties and communication with your WW. Tell them the truth. It isn't your responsibility to hide her trash and clean her mess, but it is your responsibility to give them the truth so that they can best heal you in the way that you need. Last thing you want is any of your family members trying to play the relationship rescue expert when your WW uses them to reconnect with you.

You should also consult with an attorney ASAP. You don't have to file right away but it would be a very good idea to know what your rights and the process of D is like before your WW does.