SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now, I can't have sex with WH without the lights out AND me thinking of someone else. How dysfunctional is THAT?

I don't think it's all that dysfunctional. Well, maybe it is dysfunctional, but not strange or bizarre. Don't be embarrassed. I have had the same problem. Sometimes I just can't get to that big O, so I start pretending to with my TV crush. Works every time. Only thing is, I'm afraid I might say his name by accident.

HA, I don't think anyone here is being blase about fantasizing about people you know. I would certainly be upset if my fch did that. What people are saying, though, is that you can't control what someone else thinks. You can ask your CH to stop the thoughts, but there's no way for you to know if he actually has. He may just not tell you about them anymore. Then, he has more secrets. Not sure how to deal with that. Maybe he needs to work through that in IC.

HA, I don't think anyone here is being blase about fantasizing about people you know. I would certainly be upset if my fch did that. What people are saying, though, is that you can't control what someone else thinks

I get it. I really do. But I think you CAN stop yourself DELIBERATELY thinking about having sex with someone for a sustained time. There's plenty of other things you can engage in instead of sitting back and allowing your mind to continue with that fantasy. If WS chooses not to to do that, he is *choosing * that inappropriate behavior. Maybe I'm not explaining it very well.

Absolutely, HA. I was not saying he can't stop. I was saying you can't make him. He has to choose to not do that anymore. The problem is that they are thoughts in his head. Unless you can read minds, there is no way for you to know that he isn't having those thoughts.

What I see in your posts is that you want to control this. You can't. The more you try, the more you will struggle. You can only control yourself. Detach from the outcome because you can't control it.