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I don't fantasize, and I'd be happy having sex daily if I felt safe. When my husband was safe, we were having sex several times a week..

I'm also more adventurous than he is.

And, while I don't have any intentions of being the "thought police."

I do have a right to know if my "safe" partner is actually present with me while we are having sex...(I would assume for those who regularly fantasize it could be easy enough to get careless and start fantasizing while they are engaged with sex with their partner. Minds wander no matter what one is doing..)

I mean, it's great if it works for other people's relationship that they are content that their partner is mentally screwing someone else while physically screwing you.

It doesn't work for me.

And, I have a right to know where my husband is with respect to upholding appropriate boundaries.

If my husband were to tell me "Sorry, hon, I don't owe you any information on how I'm doing with my boundaries...that's private and you are sounding like the thought police" Well, that would show me that he's not interested in doing his work as the WS, and not interested in being a participant in the marriage. Which, also doesn't work for me.

There are also plenty of ways to escape in life, that won't potentially lead to hurting your partner or poor boundaries. To escape I knit, cross stitch and other needle arts, and do Suduko. DH now does cross word puzzles. Gardening is another one that comes to mind. Puzzles.

I do sometimes fantasize about my TV character crush when I'm having sex with my H. I didn't do that before he cheated. It's kind of strange for me, though, because my TV crush is so much like my H. They look very similar and have similar personalities. Who am I really fantasizing about?

I think fantasy, even when having sex, is ok. I wouldn't be upset if my H told me he fantasized about some model or actress during sex with me. I'd be like, "Cool. I fantasize, too. Let's dress up and play." Now, if he told me he fantasized about our next door neighbor, I'd have an issue.

>>>>the vast majority of my fantasies have been about my W. If I found myself fantasizing about anyone else, I shift it to my W<<<<

>>>>a full on detailed fantasy about someone you know involving sexual acts and accompanied by masturbation and orgasm is taking it too far<<<<

Today, I have had sexual fantasies about Farrah Fawcett, the barista at Starbucks, a Catholic school girl, three Filipino dwarves in a minivan, and a stump broke goat. That was before breakfast.

Today, I have had sexual fantasies about Farrah Fawcett, the barista at Starbucks, a Catholic school girl, three Filipino dwarves in a minivan, and a stump broke goat. That was before breakfast.

I just effing laughed out loud. I know, not constructive, but damnit, levity is good.

K, conscience got the best of me since my last comment was flippant and lacking constructive input. Don't know if fantasizing about someone else during "doing the dirty" is normal, but I don't. I'm about having my partner. There, that's just me.

I am a guy that appreciates a big ass

Do I fantasize ? Yes it's normal

But I have a question for the ladies?

Where do you stand from the saying

( It doesn't matter where you get the appetite from as long as you eat at home )

It's all about trust, people.

Suppose for the sake of argument that a person claims that they rarely fantasize but if they do, they only imagine doing the dirty deed with their spouse and if they ever fantasize about their spouse it is only in missionary and with no foreplay. You must ask yourself: "Does this person seem trustworthy?"

To veryhurt2018 who started this thread and who asked "He wouldn't answer because he said that it's normal to fantasize about others. Is that true??" the answer is a resounding "Hell yeah! Rejoice for thy husband speaketh the truth. You can begin to trust him just a little because you know he is willing to reveal himself to you even when it might not make him seem like such a great guy. That is the kind of honesty you can trust. The rest is just people trying to blow smoke up your kilt.

Where do you stand from the saying

( It doesn't matter where you get the appetite from as long as you eat at home )

I don't dig that saying. I've generally heard it used on women who didn't like their men getting all horny at the strip club and coming home to have sex with their wives. Always struck me as gross. I don't want to be just a masturbatory tool after a guy looks at women he'd actually like to have sex with for hours.

I mean, how would that work out in reverse? Woman comes home after being at the gym with a lot of sexy built muscular men and uses her husband as a dildo while she thinks about those men.

I have fantasies, I presume most people do. It's kind of a don't ask don't tell in my book. If I came home all hot and bothered about some hot guy and took advantage of my husband, I'd hardly be telling him "Oh baby, thank you, I thought I would explode with passion thinking about other dude, but you really helped me out." That's disrespectful as hell, IMO. Treat your partner like a person. Yes, come home and ravish them, but treat them like they deserve your respect and love.

I do not want to know that I'm not the object of my guy's lust when we're in bed together. That is beyond a turn-off to me.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 7:55 AM, April 19th (Friday)]

Don't ask "do these jeans make my ass look fat" if you're unsure whether you want an honest answer.

Don't encourage the people you love to lie to you to spare your feelings.

Embrace unwelcome truths.

Imagine being married to someone who claims that they have never had a sexual fantasy, that they have never masturbated, that they have never been attracted to anyone but you. Imagine that you then discover that they have been having an affair. That kind of thing will leave you suspicious that people frequently lie about their sexuality presumably because they are ashamed of it.

I have heard fantasizing about others is actually considered healthy but I believe the following saying is true:

Watch your thoughts

For they become words

Watch your words

For they become actions

Watch your actions

For they become habits

Watch your habits

For they become character

Watch your character

For they become destiny

Its a slippery slope IMHO.

Fantasizing can lead to giving yourself permission for some.

Imagine being married to someone who claims that they have never had a sexual fantasy, that they have never masturbated, that they have never been attracted to anyone but you. Imagine that you then discover that they have been having an affair. That kind of thing will leave you suspicious that people frequently lie about their sexuality presumably because they are ashamed of it.

Imagine it? No need, it's my life. The "only eyes for you" and "never think of anyone else" that always made me feel "less than" and like something was wrong with me.

I've gone from people "frequently lie" to "always lie" about their sexuality. I fantasize about others. I fantasize about some things that are absolutely "NOs" for me IRL. I fantasize about my W with her AP. I fantasize about people I've had sex with before, and I fantasize about those I found attractive but never had sex with in my past. And I think that's a heck of a lot more "real" and "normal" than someone saying "only have eyes for you". That's the "right answer" not the "real answer", or at least that's how I see it today.

I'm sure everyone has fantasized about others at some point in their lives. To me, the unacceptable thing is doing it about ppl you spend time with, in RL. How is that ever respectful to your spouse? It's how WS started with his A whore, and more recently, how he behaved with a work colleague. To me, it is not normal (especially after having already had an A!) to fantasize about sex with a colleague you spend RL time and social occasions with, message them regularly, then suggest alone time together in a social setting. That's deliberately going down the slippery slope.

So fantasies about ppl youll never have a chance in RL with - normal.

Fantasies about ppl you regularly interact with in RL - maybe normal for a WS, but it *shouldn't be* normal. It's a deliberate choice.

That I absolutely agree with. I have always shut down fantasies about anyone I interacted with IRL when I wasn't single. That is not anything to encourage in my mind. That's not safe.

I have fantasized about people IRL while married...

How have i managed not to randomly end up on the end of a penis not attached to my husband?

Don't encourage the people you love to lie to you to spare your feelings.

Embrace unwelcome truths.

This is very healthy advice. We all need to learn to embrace unwelcome truths, things like everyone talks about everyone behind their back, not everyone is going to like you, and your body and looks and personality are not perfect. These are a few unfortunate truths for us all, and if they hurt, we need to work on being more emotionally resilient, maybe with an IC. We do not need to make friends pledge to change the subject when our name comes up or save money to get plastic surgery. This is not how we fix uncomfortable or hurtful truths. We must make peace with them by becoming immune to their sting.

When we say that we don't like our significant other to fantasize, we are trying to control their behavior because their attraction to others hurts. But fantasizing is a very personal behavior and there is no way to verify whether or not it is happening. I can hear my IC saying to me, "So why do you think you get to decide what's best for other people?" She would also tell me, "So what if he fantasizes about others. Does he throw it in your face? That's different. But if not, you can't control what he thinks about. Does he make you feel desired? That's what's important."

Demanding a WS switch jobs or close social media accounts is reasonable and verifiable, but you cannot control what your spouse is thinking. Since I cannot control his fantasy life no matter what, I have never and would never even ask my H. I would assume he was lying if he said he did not fantasize, and then I would probably be angry that he lied, so it really is a Catch-22. He could not win on this one.

Asking a question like this probably says more about the person asking than the person answering. If you have to ask this, it says, "I am insecure and do not feel desirable." That sounds like an issue to work through in IC because your feeling attractive enough and desirable is your job, not someone else's. And if your H continues to make you feel less than, by not initiating sex or by checking other women out or by doing little work in R, than that shows you that he is not R material. It has NOTHING to do with your attractiveness and everything to do with him not being what you need.

People make us feel special and cherished or we move on. Trying to control their behavior is unhealthy. There's no need to ask if they fantasize about others when we're feeling good about ourselves and our R. We should all work on loving ourselves and having strong boundaries on feeling valued. If we don't feel valued, we move on. We don't try to change the person and insist they value us because it won't work anyway.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:42 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

I have fantasized about people IRL while married...

How have i managed not to randomly end up on the end of a penis not attached to my husband?

Prissy, I guess you weren't fantasizing about having sex with them then asking them out for drinks alone, and spending a disproportionate amount of social time with them? Which is what my WS did... And the first one he chose to do this with ended up as his AP. So I guess you have appropriate boundaries. Others don't, so shouldn't even fantasize about ppl IRL.

I agree with the thinking that fantasizing about people is healthy and normal. I also think it is normal to fantasize about your spouse as well as others whether they are tv personalities, book character etc.

As long as the fantasizing does not affect or influence Real life behaviour - when it does the “acceptability” line is crossed. It’s like salt, add a little and it enhances flavour, add too much and the dish is ruined. When this type of fantasizing changes decisions and influences actions outside of the your bedroom, it indicates other problems.

Dup

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:35 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

When we say that we don't like our significant other to fantasize, we are trying to control their behavior because their attraction to others hurts.

I'm completely aware that my WS is going to find other ppl attractive, but him deliberately choosing to fantasize about RL ppl he socialises with and deliberately chooses to spend more time alone with is disrespectful of him. He's getting a sexual/emotional thrill out of his RL interaction with this other woman, which is inappropriate. And I wouldn't do that with another man in RL, so I don't expect him to. He should be controlling this, not me. A random fleeting thought is completely different to a deliberate full on sexual fantasy.

I don't care where or how my H gets turned on as long as he brings it home. That's the healthy thing to do. We already established in another thread that men are constantly bombarded with sexual temptations. The idea that your man never does this is denial.