SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After the POSOM is confronted by his BOW and calls your WW, your WW may come to you with some version of bullshit like: "Why did you do this? All you did was hurt an innocent woman who didn't need to be brought into this."

Your answer: "You hurt BOW when you decided it was okay to fuck her husband behind her back and lie about it. I gave her the dignity of knowing the truth, and she was grateful to me for that."

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:07 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

^^^^^ yep! And you'll also know how she's still in contact with her boyfriend.

And I don't see how you can call her FWW at this point. Drop the F, shes not "former", nowhere near it. I mean, she met him when she went for a walk to get "exercise". Pssshhhh...I think you know what kind of exercise she got. Shes still currently your WW.

Great news everyone!

Thank you for the advice.

I was able to contact the OBS without OM or WW knowing. We had a GREAT talk. She is really relieved! She is going to be cautious, but they are likely headed for D.

I am not sure what the future holds for me, but I feel SOOOOOO much better letting her know.

I do not think that I would have had the courage to go through with it, without reading all of your advice. I tried the other week stopping by their house, but he answered the door and she was not home anyway.

Please, please, please, anyone in my position of being a BS and wondering if you should or should not contact the OBS, DO IT!!!

Honesty and Truth are the best and only way forward.

Thanks again.

So glad you were able to meet with the OBS. I’m sure she was relieved to at last know the truth.

You’ll know that your WW (not “formerly”) and the AP are still communicating when she confronts you about telling the OBS.

So what is your plan to stop playing “pick me” and start demanding what you need from your WW in order to even begin down the path of R with her.

Until she’s committed to you and only you it’s best to tell her exactly what you need to see and then begin to move on. See a lawyer. Start with an IC.

It’s her choice if she comes along with you.

Show her you will not remain in a three way relationship.

If she ends up going with the AP, so be it, she just saved you from a life of LIMBO where you try to convince her you are the one she really loves.

Either she does or she doesn’t. You’re not gonna play games to find out.

Honestly you need to stop playing this game with her. All it does is extends her ability to draw out the affair.

”I’ll make this quite easy for you I’m worth more than you are putting in to this relationship. He can have you. I’ll start working on mending my broken heart without you because that’s far easier than being forced to share you with him.

I wish you well”.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:09 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Good job Mr Hockey.

It took me a while with my XWW but acting instead reacting is a powerful thing. Keep going forward for you and your kids. Your wife will do what she will do and right now expect her be pretty unpredictable, as she tries to cover her ass any way she can.

It had to be done and you did it. A good step forward out of the shitstorm your wife created.

Moving forward is a good thing...with or without her.

PS- What you did in about 3 weeks took me a few months of agony. Internet fist-bump / bro hug.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:27 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

My next suggestion is to reread all the posts on your thread. There is more good advice for you that you need to read again

I was able to contact the OBS without OM or WW knowing. We had a GREAT talk. She is really relieved! She is going to be cautious, but they are likely headed for D.

It's hard to say what hell OM was putting her through. Usually all cheaters rewrite the marital history to justify their affair and life can be pretty rough for a BS.

Don't worry about her divorcing OM and setting him free to pursue your wife because if that's all that's holding your marriage together you don't have one anyway.

Read again what Stevesn wrote in italics just above. It's powerful.

Marz wrote, [b]Don't worry about her divorcing OM and setting him free to pursue your wife[/b]

One other point about exposure is that it make the affair painful for the first time. What was the most pleasurable experience is now hurts like punching a hornets nest.

The cheaters can be as cynical as they like about not caring, but almost everyone cares about their reputation.

wish you all the strength. Worse things can happen to people. Although what you thought your life may change now, hope for he best and prepare for the worst. No one should depend entirely on another person for his or her happiness.

MickeyBill2016

Thanks for the fist bump. I am sorry it took you three months. I am glad I was able to accomplish this much so far.

I really feel like I'm going to be better off.

I'm concerned that my ww may not be mostly because I still have feelings for her but more importantly because she is the mother to our children.

So I am going to continue the 180, give myself time to figure out what I want and her time to sort herself out.

We will see where it goes.

I am going to keep in touch with the OBS too. Pretty sure she is going to D him and take half his money and take his kids.

Trying to keep my eyes wide open.

Truth and Honesty is the only way forward!

Have you had any feedback from either the POSOM or your WW about informing the BOW? Curious whether the POSOM is still discussing the A with your WW. If your WW confronts you, you'll know for sure that they're still in infidelity.

Here is another possible future event to prepare for: POSOM may contact you and growl something about "stay away from my wife" or "stop meddling in my marriage". The self-serving irony of a POSOM with his head up his ass knows few bounds.

The response is "You've been fucking my wife behind my back for the past year and you want me to stay away from your wife? Fuck you. I'll talk to her if I want to."

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:35 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Excellent step forward to inform the OBS. It was the right thing to do. You are still only three weeks out from your DDay. Be prepared for the emotional turmoil we refer to as the rollercoaster to keep rocking your world. But you have a very good attitude. Take care of yourself moving forward. Eat healthy, exercise, and get as much sleep as you can. Being in good shape will help you cope with the ups and downs. Be vigilant. Good luck.

MNHG,

Kudos on taking that difficult, but important step of informing the OBS.

You will now have another set of eyes and ears to help you monitor, and corroborate intel.

Once your WW finds out you told her boyfriend's wife, there is a good chance she will display her true self.

If she starts getting defensive/aggressive, you know the path to D will probably be the better choice.

If she shows remorse at screwing up your family's life, then there is a chance at R.

Whatever the case, please be prepared for the worst. If she is still working with her AP, there is contact. As long as there is contact, the A can re-start (if it even has ended) easier.

If the A has really ended, she will pine for him. Don't tolerate this shit. It is her own doing that she got herself into this mess, and she will have to deal with it on her own, and not in front of you or your family.

Please consult a lawyer anyway, as you will need to prepare for the worst case scenario.

You are doing well, it will be extremely tough when she starts crying, but it will probably for the loss of her AP, so no hugs nor kisses.

So did she (OBS) knew about the affair? Did you get new information?

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:14 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Todays update:

So, I only talked with the OBS for about an hour yesterday. She was not surprised at all. I get the feeling that there is no love in their marriage. She is concerned with their home and kids, but I advised her to check out this site and contact a lawyer because she seemed relieved, headed for D and views this as her way out because he is an awful husband. She is going to be cautious at first, so the POSOM may not know for a while.

My WW is going through a very hard time emotionally because she views me as doing much better than her and thinking that I will be okay. He was mean to her at work, called her stupid, and has basically left her alone other than talking about necessary work stuff in view of others. She has told me other coworkers have noticed he has been miserable the last couple weeks. :)

I am eating healthy, exercising regularly, have lost about 10 pounds, and have been riding my motorcycle more lately. My work is going really well and my finances are good because I am getting bonuses and will be getting more.

I really feel that I do not know what I will decide.

Even if she snaps out of her fog, wakes up, and 100% commits to R, I am not sure that I will be okay with that.

I am going to have to consider that. Meanwhile, I am going to continue to go to IC. And I did schedule a Dr appointment to get a full panel STD test and ask about sleep aids, because while I am getting enough sleep, sometimes its tougher to fall asleep and I usually never wake up in the middle of the night, but have been recently.

Any suggestions about telling her or my family?

Her mom knows something is not right, but my step-father in law is the owner of the small company I work at so if she is told, he will probably be to and then everyone at work will know and its a small town so it will get around.

The OBS also was hesitant of airing dirty laundry and seemed to want to keep her D plans private.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks

Her mom knows something is not right, but my step-father in law is the owner of the small company I work at so if she is told, he will probably be to and then everyone at work will know and its a small town so it will get around.

For the most part blood is thicker than water and they will probably side with her. Is your job/work transferable to another company? If this blows up you may have to look for work elsewhere so tread lightly here.

I'm a believer that truth and factual reality are better than gossip and innuendo. I also believe that one never has anything to lose by taking the high road.

If I understand the matter, your WW's parents (stepfather and biological mother) own the business where you work.

I'm not clear whether your WW and/or POSOM also work there.

Sooner or later, word of this will trickle to her parents. I believe it's better for you if it come directly from you before it reaches them via gossip. I'd suggest sitting the stepfather down and ask him if the two of you can talk privately, man to man. Then briefly explain that you recently learned that your wife, his step daughter, has been having a sexual affair with Mr. X for about a year. That you're still sorting out your feelings and you are not certain what you want to do about it. That you will do everything you can to be sure it does not impact your work performance.

Leave it at that. Tell him you are still piecing together the details and if he wants to know more you will be happy to share once you are able to be certain yourself about these details.

Many parents, when learning that their daughter has had an extramarital sexual affair, will be very disappointed with their daughter. However, as another poster noted above, blood can sometimes be thicker than water. Your WW may try to paint you as a bad husband who drove her into the arms of another man. Her mother may want to embrace this narrative. Mothers sometimes do this because it's more comforting than viewing their daughter as a liar and cheat. I would not try to combat this if it happens other than to be clear about factual points if that becomes an issue.

The stepfather is interesting. Depending on when he came into your WW's life, he may not have any emotional need to view the WW charitably.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:13 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Dear mrnicehockeyguy,

As per your pervious post, you have a positive relationship with your in-laws. I do agree Butforthegrace; I don’t think they would want to be blindsided. I would think they would want to hear the news from you. I would sit them down and have a heart to heart conversation with them with the upmost respect.

Best,

Bigheart