SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will be vigilant not to create an environment emotionally that I will want to act out in that way again.

My dad once said to me, if she's interested at midnight, don't hang around until 1 just to see if she's still interested. My dad doesn't say much, at all, but this one stuck with me. Similarly, if you are a recovering alcoholic, don't hang out in bars.

This is the main reason why I find most of the run-of-the-mill explanations for infidelity to be complete bullshit. The fog isn't real, because actual fog isn't something that we create ourselves.

The most reasonable explanations are generally the most hurtful, and truly the ones that make it hard to look at our WS the same way ever again.

It was exciting. I enjoyed the sex. I thought I could get away with it.

I calculated it out and I wanted to feel the way I felt, and the damage I did to you was worth it.

I know I won't ever cheat. It's because I couldn't live with myself if I put someone through that. I honestly believe that if a person cheats, they are inherently more likely to do it again. They've showed that they can justify, at least in the moment, whatever they want.

You know when many of you state boundaries and vigilance to me it just sounds like normal respect. Something I didn't have before with the way I lived my life but have now. A new WS that hasn't owned it and gotten it moving on to change might need all that only because the reality is they are in damage control. They are building walls that didn't come natural or just exited because they were unhealthy. When you change and become healthy the walls are just there because the way you live your life and the respect you have come with the package.

It was exciting. I enjoyed the sex. I thought I could get away with it.

Goes deeper. Why did you need that to the point you would hurt others to get it. What does the excitement numb. What does the sex feed? Maybe only a wayward can understand it. I see many BS giving opinions on that and they can't possibly know that it is really is more than that. Hell just saying I enjoyed it is fucking easier than admitting how broken and fucked up you really are. Especially to a wayward with low self esteem and self confidence. I used the exciting and get away with excuse to avoid the I needed validation truth. The validation truth based on lack of self love is much more vulnerable than it was fun.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 3:07 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

I think anyone that has cheated, who promises they won’t ever cheat again, is very difficult to trust. I’ve been on affairrecovery for 2.5 years. The stats they offer indicate 97% of cheaters will relapse if they don’t do serious work to determine their “why’s” and determine what permitted them to stray at all. I look at that stat, and see how my husband just wants to rugsweep and just feel like giving up. I DO NOT TRUST MY HUSBAND. AT ALL. And it has been 2.5 years. I don’t know how you regain that trust, but a promise that you won’t do that again really means very little to the betrayed, particularly you vowed to love, honour and cherish in sickness and in health, yada, yada, and that clear meant nothing.

Xhz — this:

“I honestly believe that if a person cheats, they are inherently more likely to do it again. They've showed that they can justify, at least in the moment, whatever they want.“

Yes. I couldn’t believe how much my husband had justified, telling me during his affair we were like a book with a beautiful cover with a “bad read”, when only 4 months before his affair I was “his wife, his life.” Etc. He rewrote our history and justified his awful betrayal to himself through lies and blame. And I’ve now been heightened to it, and see how he continues to do so, years later. I saw that you left your spouse in the end, and that you regret not having done so earlier. Can you tell me how long you tried before deciding — no more?

The stats would be the same for, say, diabetics with Type 2 diabetes who « do not do the work ». They will take some medication (the boundaries), their sugar level will go back to normal, then they stop their medication. There is a guarantee that 97% will develop diabetes again. Because they have actually not done the work: stop eating crap.

The stats would have been more scary if they had shown that 97% of cheaters who DO the work relapse. In which case, there would be no hope and we BSes should just give up and pack.

You say it yourself: your husband wants to rugsweep and is obviously not working on himself to become a healthy and internally fulfilled individual (ie. a safe partner). No wonder you do not trust his « I won’t do it again. » No wonder you too « honestly believe that if a person cheats, they are inherently more likely to do it again. »

Now, more importantly: why would YOU with someone who is not doing the work after 2.5 years? Don’t you deserve better than a life full of fears, of uncertainty, of sadness? You’re taking of the WHYs. What about YOUR whys? Sending you strength and courage.

My last paragraph was full of typos so I will rewrite it:

Now, more importantly: why would YOU stay with someone who is not doing the work after 2.5 years? Don’t you deserve better than a life full of fears, uncertainty, and sadness? You’re talking of the cheaters’ whys. What about YOUR whys?

You can say you will never cheat again, but actions speak louder than words.

Prove to me that this is what you want and where you want to be.

Never say never.