SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

..in all this pain, you can still crack good jokes!!

"I'm buying myself a huge cast iron pan."

I think I know where to get you a dead rat to put in his Christmas stocking..

We had a wonderful family sibblings only feast on Dec. 21.. twelve of us ..the old folks.

Too many of us now to get 50+ of us under one roof.

On Dec.25 we traveled to our son's home with his wife and our younger son and gf. Quiet and peaceful.. they cooked all the turkey and trimmings, we brought the dessert.

My younger son gave me a half ounce of the bud.. thanks Santa!!

Home now with our cats and a lot of chocolate to eat...

Sending prayers and mojo for your healing.

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 4:59 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Sounds like a wonderful Christmas. I totally forgot to get some chocolate for myself... lol

I think I know where to get you a dead rat to put in his Christmas stocking.

Would it be weird if I said that "large rat" is ACTUALLY on my grocery list for tomorrow? Yes yes its true. Wh requested a large rat for his jungle carpet python...

The cast iron pan is 12 whole inches with two handles. Great for use in the oven. I have a ten inch and two smaller ones. Cast iron is so great to cook with.

Thank you for the prayers and mojo. I need all I can get

I LOVE my cast iron. I have several of my Hs grandmas skillets. Several small ones which are excellent or should I say eggselant for cooking eggs.

I also have a 12 inch lodge that I use for all kinds of stuff. I love using cast iron. I cook a LOT. I enjoy cooking and kinda think of myself as a amateur chef. like I could kick those home cooks asses on mostnofnthose shows. I have had stainless calphalon and other quality pans. Cast Iron is by far the best.

Eggs....yes yes yes. No matter what fancy expensive pan I used eggs always turned out..well scrambled. They cook so amazingly in cast iron.

I saw a video for rattitoule (sp?) Done in a cast iron pan. Omg I have to try that.

And I think I've always had iron issues. My periods have always been so heavy that I would come close to passing out. I figured cooking with these pans all the time helped.

My pain today has been mostly neck. Ya thr arm hurts but that's the burn. Even the shoulder isn't bad. But my neck. Damn it hurts!!!

Some shitty things have happened with WH and I'm thinking one of two things.

1. If I take the Ativan or chose to be sedated for the next MRI I dont want him to drive me. I'll ask my dad or brother or just anyone but wh.

2. If they cant help me out then I'll forgo any meds and sedation and suck it up through the MRI (that option leaves my chest tight just typing it) so I can drive myself....

It would be great if they could sedate me and keep me the night just so i can get a break from him and his shit.

Get family member or friend to take you.

IF you are already feeling panicked, you are going to want that mild sedation.

Do you think the Ativan will be enough? I've never been on that before.

Also will the hospital sedate if I take an ativan?

Depends on how much ativan is involved. Two 0.5 mg tabs did nothing for me. Two 1.0 mg tabs taking one, IIRC, 30 minutes before the appointment and taking the other just as I went in did wonders. Of course, I couldn't drive, and I slept for a few hours when I got home.

But even with the two 0.5 mg tabs I couldn't take more than a few seconds (literally) in the machine.

I'm pretty sure I weigh more than twice what you weigh, and that probably affects the dose.

One doc wanted me to do an MRI of my kidneys. Without ativan, I couldn't even do that, even though my head wasn't all that deep into the scanner.

Ativan may be all you need.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:21 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

sisoon

I'm 4 feet 9 1/2" tall and teetering around 160lbs. (My weight fluctuates around five pounds up or down a month and more so this past few months.

My ativan prescription is .5MG. And I am to take one or two "when needed".

Not sure if this will help me or not.

I'm not sure how the hospital will feel about maybe sedating me on top of me taking other meds.

I also dont even know what "sedation" means in this case. IV with happy meds to make me sleepy?

Am I totally knocked out?

Is it just laughing gas (that doesnt work on me btw).

I plan on asking when they call with the appointment but...I expect it will be a week before they call and at least another three weeks before I get this done, if not longer.

I actually feel guilty for wanting to be sedated. Guilty that someone will have to drive me. And just downright feel bad that I cant just grit my teeth through it like I did the first time.

The pharmacist was a hoot! Looked at me and asked if they had figured it all out yet and then saw the ativan and said oh guess not, going back in are ya lol. Hes awesome.

I'm sorry. I had to share. Juat so excited. This pan is amazing. And heavy.

I also got myself a winter hat with the ear flaps BUT it also has a removable face mask part that's even more awesome!!!

Merry christmas to myself hahaha

..two handles...perfect...

You can swing it from either side with either arm. WH won't even see it coming.

..but at least wait until your sore arm is feeling better.

smy

^^^Similar to what I was thinking, smy! Except that I was thinking the pain just may be worth it!

[TBH ducks her head and quietly slips out before the 2x4s fly....]

As much as there are days I really want to I just dont think all the 2x4 in the world will ever get through to him. Hes been so emotionally unavailable. Its just been so hard for me to go through pain and get no empathy from him.

The MRI is no different than the cat scan he went through and he did fine so I should too.

Theres other stuff too but it really doesnt belong here and theres been threads in General that seem so similar and I'm just scared of the replies sometime. Ugh.

Omg the pain today. Geez two morphine pills not helping. Wh says I look swollen on the back of my shoulder.

Ok so can I get everyone's opinion on my feeling like a whimp for wanting sedation. Is this normal to feel scared but also feel bad that I don't want to be awake for it and that means I cant go alone so I feel guilty???

Being scared - normal and common. Not wanting to endure overpowering fear and pain - totally normal. Criticizing yourself for being "weak" and having needs - totally normal for someone with powerful "Be strong and take care of others" message. This kind of message is common for someone whose needs have not been met, in childhood or later.

I know about these messages from personal experience. They develop as a coping mechanism. If others are not meeting your needs, it is a resilient survival mechanism to meet them yourself. And if you think others will get angry at you for having needs, it is a resilient mechanism to try to preserve the relationship by "not bothering" them.

But you do have needs, being human, and you are entitled to help from others in meeting those needs, again because you are a human being too.

I am not saying you can change these old messages easily. Again, I know how terrifying it is to face the belief that if you don't take care of yourself, no one will, and you will die. (Maybe projecting here - my beliefs started in infancy and don't respond well to verbal arguments.)

But I want to say as strongly as I can that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. And being afraid that you won't be taken care of has nothing to do with being "normal". It is a result of old experiences and trauma. The self-protective decisions you made then to take care of yourself have made you the powerful, competent and caring person you are now, and you are also entitled to be a person who receives help and caring from others.

Everything you said is just so deep and true for me. Thank you.

I know it shouldn't matter what others think but I held off squeezing the thing the tech gave me because I didn't want him to think I was silly for being scared. I'm sure hes had his fair share of people who were sedated and those who freaked out but I just couldn't let myself be seen as weak.

Being in the machine triggered a memory. One I have tried hard to forget. As a child I would have terrible nightmares of being crushed. The walls closing in. My mother found that waking me when I was screaming while still asleep didn't help. She ended up talking me out of the dream, usually a pegasus would come and save me and I'd ride away on it's back. I dont know when those I guess night terrors? actually stopped but it was awful.

We have been out as a family all day. It was a good day despite the pain and upset stomach due to the meds.

I wanted to mention in the past trauma department also resides back in grade three when I was at catholic school.

They had a box in the yard beside the parking lot that held salt in the winter. It wasnt a large box. In fact it was really small.

The kids there bullied me alot. Fractured my arm once. They also locked me in that box. It's no wonder I'm not a fan of closed spaces.

MRI scheduled for February 12th...

I have been out on a cancellation list. She said they get those more on weekends, keeping my fingers crossed. This Saturday however is out Christmas with my parents...just wait they will all when I'm down there...

No in hospital sedation is done. Only what your family doctor prescribes. So Ativan it is.

I have been in pain all day and have struggled just to do the bare minimum. Finally got the kids set with dinner and sat down and Bam! That stabbing burning pain hit...but in the back of my RIGHT SHOULDER.... omg! I cannot have this pain on both sides.

My neck, head hurt. But worst of all is the pain that's like being stabbed through the top of my left shoulder out into my arm pit. The pain there...I cannot reach forward at all without my arm pit feeling like its burning.

Doc office said that with MRai so far away he will refill the morphine direct to the pharmacy. I'm so scared of being dependent on these meds just to function... this is awful!

..((((((Dragn'))))))))

So sorry you are in this pain..

Sending healing mojo.

smy

Thank you smy!

We had the big Christmas party at my parents yesterday and it was a struggle for me. The pain came in waves at times.

I was worried that the hospital would call with an MRI cancellation appointment and being so far away I'd miss it. But they didn't call. Fingers crossed they call soon.

I'm unsure if my pain can be described as chronic pain but I know people who have chronic pain and I'm really understanding their struggles.

I can usually handle pain. Was given scripts for percocet after the c sections and barely used them.

I've had fractured bones, bad burns. All hurt like hell. But this....

It never goes away. If I take enough of the pain meds to get the roaring pain down to a dull purr, it's manageable but still there. And then the meds have side effects that require MORE meds to deal with...omg.

Emotionally...I'm tired. Frustrated. Angry. And totally depressed that I cant even pick up a cup of coffee. It takes forever to get to sleep and I'm awake throughout the night. I have so much to do and yet am so tired I can fall asleep at the kitchen table.

Dd asked me this morning If I'm ever going to get better. I want to say yes and believe it. I did say yes to her. But inside I'm not so sure.

I'm sorry for whining. Lol. I just needed to get it off my chest.