SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish you the best of luck. No matter what route we take out of infidelity, it always comes with a learning curve. Do what is best for you. We can give advice til we're blue in the face, but in the end, YOU have to live with what works for you. We each have our own experiences, perspectives, and deal breakers. What may work for me, may not for you, and vice versa. Just know that we all have your best interest as the priority and mean well. Please don't take it too hard when some come on here and continue to harp on divorce or reconciliation.

I love your threads of OT. Your stories about the goats and other animals, as well as your misadventures with farm equipment and life in general, usually have me cracking up. You really should keep a journal so you can write a book someday.

That sounds like a great start. It gets a little easier every day and then you reach "meh". Hell, get a vibrator. At least you will know where it's been!

What may work for me, may not for you, and vice versa. Just know that we all have your best interest as the priority and mean well. Please don't take it too hard when some come on here and continue to harp on divorce or reconciliation.

I tend to take things personally and to heart way to much. I know the intent is good and I need to not be defensive of the advice.

I love your threads of OT. Your stories about the goats and other animals, as well as your misadventures with farm equipment and life in general, usually have me cracking up. You really should keep a journal so you can write a book someday.

I could probably have a best seller with all the antics that happen here. Lol. I'm glad I can bring smiles here, though my own stories and SPF.

That sounds like a great start. It gets a little easier every day and then you reach "meh". Hell, get a vibrator. At least you will know where it's been!

Actually back in the early days wh and I had a very colorful sex life and that included many visits to the adult shop lol. I have a few devices. Now the biggest thing is that when I'm alone I dont use them. I dont need them. That's always made wh curious and frustrated lol. Why cant he get me off without using them but I can do a fine job without. Well that's all about where my mind is at...lol.

Ummm...you can still be offended and upset that he doing those things

People on here often harp about black and white thinking...how black and white is the thinking that if your healthy you wouldn't be offended by him doing something disrespectful?

YOU decide what getting out infidelity looks likes for YOU. and if you want to vent...go ahead.

I think you rock! And that end of the day of you are okay and happy with your sacrifice and reward then so be it.

Personally... I would just consider him one of your farm animals...the jackass.

Personally... I would just consider him one of your farm animals...the jackass.

This made me giggle. We have actually talked about getting a donkey. But a female, a Jenny. They are best at protecting herds. A Jenny could kill a coyote.easily.

But the thought of wh, out with the goats is funny.

He hasnt said much to me since dinner. Watched half the movie then went to sleep. No goodnight or wanting a hug. He rolled over away from me. Either hes trying to give me some space or he has been reading this thread.

Doesmt matter henwont say anything about it if he is.

So I just work on my own detachment and ignore whatever he does, or doesnt do.

This morning went better.

He left for work, motioned to give me a hug and I said no. He wasnt happy about it, asked why. like duh come on. Told me he loved me and went to work.

This gets easier right.

I don't know if it gets easier or not. I guess that's something you'll find out as you go. My advice to you has been colored by the fact that what you're trying to do would be a living hell for me, but we're all different. I spent some time last night trying to put myself in your shoes. I gave up a nicer house, but that's not that big of a deal. The thing that hurt to give up was my classic Corvette. I loved that car soooo much. It devastated me to give up that baby. Yep, I cried over a car. Still not quite the same as what you'd face giving up, so I thought on it more. There are things I'd have a much harder time giving up. There's a little zoo in my town that takes in exotic and farm animals from bad situations. That would be my absolute dream job, to help run a place like that. Tigers, bears, wolves, monkeys, giraffes...I mean, how cool is that? If that was my family zoo and to divorce would mean I would lose it, I would probably have tried what you're talking about. I do hear you about having your dream life. It makes me angry to think of it, that you have this wonderful life on a farm and this man has done his best to smear it with sewage. You're here living exactly the way you wanted, but he's there periodically tossing handfuls of shit on you for no damned reason and tainting the experience. The distance between what this could be like and what it is like is all due to him. So I get your thought process. Remove his ability to hurt you and keep the life for you and your kids. I don't know if this sort of thing works in the long run. It's not fair that he has made this dream life uncertain for you, because he could tank it himself by leaving. He is not going to be a good husband judging by his thought processes, but he is part of the package. You have a very hard situation to navigate here. Given that you don't have total control over this, it would be smart to have some kind of plan in mind if he decides to either go so far that you cannot even look at him anymore or if he decides that he wants a divorce. It may not be a plan that fills you with joy, but you aren't on the solid ground that you deserve to be on right now. That is just something you need to do for your own sake, because I wouldn't trust that he's capable of looking out for you the way you would have looked out for him in better times.

There really isnt much of a difference between how we have been living and what I want to do.

The change comes in that I am changing how I view him and what expectations I have. If hes just the roommate why bother checking to see what hes doing on his phone? Why care?

And no it's not rugsweeping. It's just getting to indifference since hes not going to change.

I'm not changing anything about how we interact at all either. Sure no hugs and kisses and sex will be different yet totally the same...its not like theres been much passion or love. Its mainly just fucking. Have a whole other thread about that. Sure it's better with the passion and connection but if all he wants is the release then its rather easy. As long as hes ok with me watching a movie while he does his thing I couldn't care less.

He was a romantic while we dated and early on in our engagement but after DD the relationship, then marriage just suffered with non stop stress of a sick baby and non stop family interference and hell. We never nurtured the relationship at all. He sought solice and escape in having affairs while I doubled down on getting answers for why our daughter was sick. Remember i was blamed and accused of neglect, not feeding her etc. I was fighting doctors and dietitians. He never wanted to accept that she had any problems. So he and I butted heads on that.

Now 12 years later we find out that the genetic mutation which appears to be an answer to all of this WAS PASSED ON BY HIM. And once again hes acting out focused on other woman. Escaping the reality that HE needs testing to see if he has the syndrome while we wait for the results of our other three children.

It's not an excuse. But it is what he does when life gets shitty. He cant cope. That's on him.

Again the change is how I respond to what he does. And the best response is none at all.

Also and more importantly detaching from him is the only way I can begin to heal..

All this time. Not healed and that's on me.

I cannot work on my own healing while always walking on eggshells waiting for the next dday or discovery of whatever.

It's time to put ME first.

So step one totally detach from wh.

Step two, accept and grieve the loss of the marriage.

Step three, get healthy again.

Step four...etc.

Seems like you're doing an "in head (not house) separation"

Definitely not for everyone, but it only needs to work for you.

You're going to have to let him in on this. Right now you're just implementing it by refusing any affection, but he doesn't know why.

It appears you're not opposed to healing the marriage, just resigned to the fact it isn't happening at this time.

By pushing him away without telling him, the marriage healing is being pushed further away as well. Seems like talk then implement would be a better course.

By talk I mean advise, not necessarily discuss.

No reason your actions can't meet your own standards, rather than be lowered to his. (I'm not counting the shirtless cowboy likes-those should continue full bore )

Having said all that, I realize the marriage is and has been stalled for a long time-just saying I'd advise to keep it moving positive or net zero and not moving negative.

To add to my post and in re-reading yours: your goal of self healing needs to be first, regardless of what I wrote.

It appears you're not opposed to healing the marriage, just resigned to the fact it isn't happening at this time.

I think that is the issue. That is what keeps people in the state of "limbo". At some point, you need to accept that it will never happen. It is gone. Done. The ship has sailed. You cannot move forward and still keep the porch light on. Or else you will forever be in a reactive state. You are rudderless vessel.

By pushing him away without telling him, the marriage healing is being pushed further away as well. Seems like talk then implement would be a better course.

By talk I mean advise, not necessarily discuss

I agree. Its just that I really dont know how to go about advising him lol. He doesnt listen when I speak. It just goes in one ear and out the other.

An email would be better for me in that I can outline what I plan on doing going forward without any emotion coming through. Of course I'm still stuck on what exactly to say.

And yes healing must be a priority for me.

I've spent yesterday and today, so far, laying in bed. I managed some stuff after lunch yesterday but still....laying in bed isnt good for me. I'd probably be sleeping now if not for a text and phone call that came in that I had to deal with.

I'm tired, my shoulder and back hurt and I have a headache that wont ease up. Time for some advil.

Bad dreams plague me when I sleep. So theres no real relief or rest.

Wh will be taking lunch soon and probably text. I'd prefer he didn't. But i know he will. After that I'll just go add a board up on the goat fence to hopefully stop the buck from jumping over. I need to line the entire pen with chicken/cage wire so i can put the ducks and geese in there. My pond has a leak so I have the silicone to fix that, just need to do it.

I have the horse feed blocks soaking and need to mix it with the oats then go feed them.

Since wh took off the post hole digger from the tractor and I'm not strong enough to out it back on I'll be putting in T posts for the dry lot winter paddock.

Kingrat saw the email notification you posted

Yes the marriage is dead. Died the moment he stepped out to have an affair. I've been avoiding that reality. But it is the reality. So no theres no chance for that marriage to ever be again.

IF wh wants more than a roommate relationship then it's up to him to fix his issues and work towards a NEW marriage. That I'm not opposed to. However after this long I am not holding my breath.

Again this isnt changing him or how we interact now. Its simply changing how I am viewing us and responding to him. We act like roommates more than a couple anyways. We can get along as roommates quite nicely.

He may not be all that opposed to the lack of hugs and kisses or ILY's since it's just been a show anyways. Time will tell. Lol

Dragn, when Dee described what is at stake, it sounded so much like my situation was for years and years, after I used equity from my house to buy "us" a farm for him to be happier, only to find out he bought himself a prostitute with a chunk of the refi money...and I didn't find out until we'd already started demolition on the old farm house. Kinda hard to resell it at that point, and the lender could have called the mortgage due for that kind of demolition work, too, if they wanted to. (For example: I tore a hole in the outside house wall that you could drive a truck through!)

So I hung in through what Dee says is a "very hard situation to navigate" because if he left then, I stood to lose it all, and with me not working for pay (like you, I worked my ass off for "us" here on the farm) I couldn't even have refinanced my old house in my name. I wanted to at least cling to the dream I'd had of a country life, and I know how starting over can be a real drain on the finances.

So...12 years later, he'd paid off those mortgages in September, got laid off in November without notice, and by March, got arrested for soliciting a prostitute...how original. They repeat the stress-coping behavior more times than not. By then, my situation looked different, so I saw a lawyer, drew up a strong Post Nup-Marital Agreement, and asked him to deed me the entire farm if he wanted to stay married. He did!

Things on the farm went along well enough, considering we hadn't been bedmates since 12 years earlier. He was free to live in my old house, which he was given by me in exchange, but always said he wanted to stay here. The lawyer confirmed my SAWH had waived his marital right to remain in the house over my objection, so for me to accept him staying here "just as my guest," there at was only one thing I hadn't put in the Agreement, because I thought he had to understand he now had his own house to go live in and watch his porn from, if it was that damned important to him: I told him he could stay in the guest bedroom, but that the day I found him looking at the internet for porn or hookups, was the night he would be sleeping somewhere else.

During all those years, I was "forced" by his sex addiction and internet compulsion to do his online emailing and all the searches he needed, which put a lot of work on me for his communications that most Adults would want to handle themselves, and I resented this job, but he was told by our MC it was off limits for him and he asked me to keep doing it.

Well, On August 2, 3 days before he sold his house, I came into his bedroom to snuggle and there it was, a secret phone, he was laying in bed scrolling through porn - again. That night, out to the RV he went. I am so alone in this joke of a marriage.

But otherwise, my life hasn't changed....saw the lawyer last week again, and was told we could probably keep on going just like this. I am now 69 years old and have dedicated 23 years to this miserable situation. I know I should have either gotten out 18 years ago despite the upheaval, or just turned a blind eye to this crap. I didn't and I cant.

It sucks to be in this kind of situation.

Because of how things like this can drag out for years, dear DragnHeart, I'd think long and hard about this path you are on, which sounds so familiar to me. i agree with a lot of the advice you are getting. Blessing on your marriage, but for it to be a marriage again, he needs to grow the F up and stop making you Mommy. Can he?

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:36 AM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

They repeat the stress-coping behavior more times than not

Isnt that the truth.

I dont plan on mothering him at all. Dont plan to do much of anything for him going forward. I'm not waiting for him to have dinner, I'll eat with the kids. (If we sit down as a family that happens on weekends....if it happens) he gets home to late for the kids to wait for dinner. And frankly by the time he gets home I'm starving as that's usually the only meal I eat.

I see this as a relief actually. Not years of more hurt.

I've been hurting because i haven't allowed myself the time to heal. I haven't accepted the loss of the marriage. I haven't accepted the fact I cant change him. That's why I have lived in misery. Always hoping that he would get it, change, become the husband he should be.

It's just better not to hope for something that's not possible.

But being roommates and co parents is doable. life is better when I've just gone with the flow of that scenario and not wanted the husband or marriage.

Now accepting that the marriage died long ago and that my path forward is one with marriage as a paper thing and not a relationship thing gives me relief.

Yes, I was going to say getting through your Step 1 is easier than Step 2, especially when they won't go away!!

I too wish these guys would get it.

Yes, I was going to say getting through your Step 1 is easier than Step 2, especially when they won't go away!!

I too wish these guys would get it.

I could always hold a mini funeral. Small box, my wedding ring that I never wear anyways...a photo of us when we first got together or our wedding photo.

Oh I could do a viking funeral. Everything on a small toy wood boat, set ablaze and put out to the middle of our large pond lol

I think detaching is actually more difficult because yes hes always there but really hes not. Working 6 days a week, come home, eats plays game on computer. One day off we either get shit done around here or I'm off doing the shopping for the week while he spends the day with the kids.

In the evenings he and I will go to the bedroom, put on a movie but 9 times out of ten hes asleep and snoring in no time so I either watch the movie myself or turn it off and play on my phone or come out to the kitchen. I like the quiet of the house at night. Its peaceful, minus the nights the coyotes show up then hell hath no fury like a short red headed woman on the war path with a machete lol. I so need my firearms license lol

It's funny but wh is just a part of my life. Theres so much more that's fulfilling and wonderful.

I gotta say though, four youngish kids and married for a while, work, eat sleep, shop, kids...repeat. Sounds like a lot of marriages. Hubby has and has had a few extra activities added on, but mostly, most marriages at this point look much the same.

They don't have to, but most do.

Mine was a milder version of this due to only 2 kids @ 4.5 years apart and no extra curricular activities.

Just an observation.

I don't understand your hubby's actions given there's a short feisty redhead with a machete running around.

I don't understand your hubby's actions given there's a short feisty redhead with a machete running around.

I dont know either. If he wasnt such a pussy about posting here again you could ask him. Ok calling him a pussy isnt nice, I'm sorry. (but he is!).

He figures bringing in the money is work enough. However I'm not the maid or slave so I've insisted he and the kids step up.

There was an amazing facebook post I wish I had saved. A man, after divorce, talking about how if his wife had just asked for help he would have done anything. But her problem was that she shouldn't have to ask. As partners, equally sharing a home and children he shouldn't have to be told like a child to pick up his toys. She wanted an equal not another kid to give instructions to.

This was our dynamic for way to long.

Now the kids do dishes. If they want clean clothes the dirty stuff better be put in the laundry hamper or they can put it in the washer themselves. I'm not going room to room looking for dirty stuff on the floor...

Daily chores are done by everyone.

Everyone has a say in the menus for the week.

I used to clean floors and wash walls/cupboards daily. Everything I did went unnoticed and unappreciated to the point I stopped doing everything. I got to depressed being a maid. They house went to shit too. AMD it kinda still is. I'm not going overboard killing myself. I'll clean up but not like I used to.

I'm sure wh would say I'm totally slacking on my duties. Ok ya. But I need to work through the depression and physical pain I have to get back to being me again. Back to giving a shit lol.

That comes by detaching from him and maybe seeing my doctor about better meds or something for the shoulder and back.

Any suggestions on how to word an email to him that :

By talk I mean advise, not necessarily discuss.

Advises him?

Unless anyone thinks that talking is better?

Should it be as short as possible or explain that I see the marriage as dead and feel we do better in a roommate scenario?