SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My heart just hurts when I read this again. I hope you are doing better. That was kind of a recap, I hope to read that you are healing in your update. Just know that the people here truly care. Whatever path you are on, we hope to help and support you as best we can. I'm sorry for all you've been through this far. It's such a long painful journey. Sending strength.

I often wondered what had happened in your situation.

Sorry to hear it was all that you feared....but not surprised.

I knew when she was refusing to let you see her devices, and trying to involve your kids and the therapist in convincing you that you were out of control and unreasonable....that this was the only likely reason.

Now that the full truth is out...has she apologized to her daughters for lying to them and trying to enlist them in her plot to hide the full extent of the A from you....in essence turning them against you to protect herself?

Shit, shit, shit.

I'm so sorry.

We are listening.

DoneGone, I've often wondered how you were getting on. I'm sorry to see that it turned out to be as we expected and that things were a lot worse than you initially thought. I'm glad that despite involving your daughters in her lies, your wife did eventually give you those passwords so that you knew the truth of the past. Regarding the present however, I want to reiterate what StillStanding1 said - whatever has happened and whatever path you are on you can still find support here.

Oh Sweetie I'm sorry. We all knew what the reality was, but I can't blame you for wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm glad you came back. Remember you'll always be supported here whether you choose to R, D or stay in limbo for awhile.

I was just thinking about how things turned out for you yesterday actually. Sorry it was much more than you'd been told.

Hope you're bearing up as much as possible under the circumstances.

At least now you have the truth.

How are things with your daughters? Hopefully, they now realise you were not overreacting.

Thanks a bunch. Really great being back. I have been attempting an update for several weeks but nothing I write reads like anything I want to post. I’ve decided I need to start somewhere. It’s ugly.

marbou888

“So happy to see you back. I thought we had scared you away forever with all the 2x4's we threw at you. Sorry to see we were right. Deep down, I was hoping that you wife would come up with an explanation that would disculp her of any wrongdoing.

The 2x4’s did not scare me away nor were they offensive. I understand this is a two way street. You guys patiently listened to all my rantings and ravings and hung in there with me through it all. There were times that I was so hurt, depressed and discouraged that I was sure the sun would never shine again. You guys did not leave me there. When I was so far down that I was presumably out of reach… perhaps even down for the count… when the situation called for it, you would even stoop and scoop, if that is what it took.

How ungrateful I would be to complain about the 2x4’s. You meant it for good and it was good for me. It was the intensity of the situation that got to me. I loved my wife with every ounce of my being and still do. My life was totally unmemorable until the day I met her. I had to leave but couldn’t.

I'm looking up for the update. It sounds like something I don't want to miss. Will we have excerpts of communications between WW and OM”

The update is going to be exactly what you expected. You guys have seen the end from the beginning and even gave me spoiler alerts along the way, so I do not believe you will be shocked by anything I write.

Excerpts? Yea. I will. One particular email exchange that comes to mind happened in the days immediately after I bumped into them at a restaurant. According to them, they hadn’t seen each other since high school and were catching up on old times. I should have busted that wide open at the time. With one breath she was saying that he was one of her brother’s friends and that she never really even knew him and in the next breath she was telling me they were catching up on old times. What old times?

When reading these emails it is (almost) obvious that nothing physical has transpired between them yet. But it appears, from WW statements that OM out “man’d” and out “Alpha’d” me so badly in that initial meeting that she was embarrassed for me and that is when she decided to have sex with "a real man." WW measured me against other man and decided I was a sap. MC said it was “the fog.”

I will find that exchange and post it. WW does not describe it like I have just described it to you. I would love to get your take on it.

Speaking of WW, she is a basket case and I find no pleasure in that, whatsoever. We have talked a lot. She wants the opportunity to prove her love for me; she promises me that she will fix herself; she wants us to try. She wants me to give her a chance. She is coming by my apartment, to my job, emailing, calling and texting. I get home from work and she is sitting on the porch.

I will admit that there is nothing more that I want in this world than to have my marriage back; but I want the person she was. She says that she is back to her senses, and that she once again is the person she always was. Not so. The woman I was married to did not have a history of lying and cheating; this woman does. She is not the woman she was and never will be again. The woman I was married to is gone forever.

She guarantees me that she would never, could never cheat again. These guarantees are not worth the lips they are coming from. My wife has beautiful lips. I always loved her lips; still do. But they are lips that smiled at me in order to hide her deceptive heart. Lips that lied to me in order to be with another man. Lips that talked me down to OM, lips that kissed another man. Lips that kissed me after doing the most despicable things with other man. Now these same lips are giving me guarantees?

She despised me for being a sap and now she would give anything if I would just be a sap again.

[This message edited by DoneGone at 10:13 AM, August 1st (Saturday)]

Donegone, it's great to see you back.

Has she told the full truth to your children - the ones she lied to and involved in ganging up on you to save her from her violation of the marriage?

Thanks for the update. How do you feel? Are you optimistic about your own future? How is your relationship with the children?

Best wishes

You have handled this so well and you are in control. I wish more BH's stood up for themselves like you have. Maybe you can teach on online class.

The big question for you is why would you want to R?

Don't take the fog BS, she does not respect you. She wants her old life back because OM wants his old life back.

You can have your old M back without it being your WW. There are plenty of women who would be in heaven.

Have her read her words out load to you.

You are a real man, you just need to find a real woman.

If you do R it will be on your terms. That is the only way it should ever be.

Sorry brother.

How can we help?

I've had such empathy for your pain as a BS from the beginning, but my concern was more for your pain as a father. Heartbreak over a spouse is horrendous, but heartbreak over a child? Nothing compares.

I hope you do realize how much of a real man that you are. But, more importantly, I hope that you will have a strong bond with your girls for the rest of your life.

DG,

Thanks for coming back. I pray that you're in a little better place now. Baby steps seem to be all we BS can hope for at times.

I read much on SI, particularly the BH threads. A few, like yours, really ring true. Thanks again for that.

[This message edited by DailyReprieve at 1:07 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

She refused to give me the password to her laptop and phone until I had attended three MC sessions with her. During the third counseling session she gave me the passwords to her email accounts and cell phone. She also gave me a trac phone that I did not even know she had.

You guys said that there was going to be some bad stuff on there; you were right. You said that I was going to find out that she was guilty of a lot more than she was admitting to, right again. You said that the affair had been going on long before she said; again you were right. It had actually been going on since the summer of 2014.

When I read the contents of her conversations with OM, and discovered the full extent of her treachery and deceit, it literally made me sick. It is one thing knowing it, it is altogether another thing when you are reading it with your bare eyes. Her conversations with OM represented some really sick stuff.

Why didn't they have sex?

What is the stuff that bothers you most:

- the lying after you found out?

- the disparaging you to OM? Was this initiated by your wife, or was OM goading her on? How often did she disparage you?

- Your wife said you would be hurt by what you found - which part was she referring to? Which did she think was the most hurtful?

- Was it "in love"? Was it sexual?

- What is the "really sick stuff" you refer to, any of the above or something different you haven't posted yet?

- What about your daughters? What do they have to say now? Does your wife still manipulate?

Where do you stand, DG? Still in limbo? Leaving one way or another?

DG, actually this doesn't seem as bad as I expected. I expected a lot more sex going on, really sick stuff physically.

Disparaging you, I thought it possible, but not really expecting that, either, especially the "real man" stuff, you seemed pretty man enough throughout your marriage. What the heck was your wife talking about that crap? I expected the length of time, the "in love" stuff.

Cheating forumula is length of time plus "in love" plus opportunity to meet together easily usually almost equals to lots of nasty sex. Given so "in love" with OM being a "real man," why didn't they have sex?

DG,

Thanks you for the update. From what you have posted I can only guess that your worst fears have been realized.

Now that you know the entire sordid truth what do you plan on doing? Are you open to reconciling with her or do you still plan to do what you said you would if you discovered that she was lieing to you about the extent of her affair and begin the process of divorcing her? I ask not because I know how hard it must be to make the final decision to walk away from her. Especially now that she seems to be so remorseful and when you remember the wife and life you had before this devestation that's she visited upon you and your family.

Also, did,you share any of what was revealed by the information you were able to retrieve with your daughters? If you did, what was their reaction? And has it affected their relationship with their mother?

DoneGone. I can imagine how painful it was to read that rubbish, but it's pretty obvious to everyone here who the 'real man' really is and it certainly is not the OM.

When reading these emails it is (almost) obvious that nothing physical has transpired between them yet. But it appears, from WW statements that OM out “man’d” and out “Alpha’d” me so badly in that initial meeting that she was embarrassed for me and that is when she decided to have sex with "a real man."

5454, I think the word 'yet' means that they did start to have sex after that first time DoneGone saw them at the restaurant. I think the e-mail he is referring to is immediately after that first sighting.

DoneGone - i have just read all your posts re what happened to you and I want to say I am very sorry for you. What you experienced is also what I experienced a few years ago although I had two very young children who I had to to factor into my decision re staying or leaving my wife. I decided to stay married and I must say I am very glad I made that decision. One thing that I am not clear though reading your story is why your wife agreed to give you the passwords re her phone and her e-mail account if she realised that your marriage was over ?

"But it appears, from WW statements that OM out “man’d” and out “Alpha’d” me so badly in that initial meeting that she was embarrassed for me and that is when she decided to have sex with "a real man."

Wow....so she was busted pre-PA, and based on the fact that you gave her, your wife of many years, the benefit of the doubt and did not go nuclear on her and this POS instantaneously, she decided to take it PA anyway.

And then had the gall to lie to your face consistently that she DID NOT have sex, as well as gaslight the MC and your own daughters into thinking you were acting unhinged and over-reacting.

I certainly hope you are not listening to any of her begging and boo-hooing now.

This is one of the worst betrayals I have ever heard of.

DG, nice to see you back. What's happening with your daughters? As I recall, their stance was "mom had a small mishap, not a big deal".