SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"In one of her email conversations with OM, he joked about me being pathetic and stupid when I walked in on them having lunch at the restaurant. Instead of being confused or suspicious, he stated that I just joined them for a few minutes and left. He said that had it been him, he would have opened up a can of whup ass on the spot.

Even with all that WW was doing, I would have thought she respected me enough to shut down or at least ignore this type of crap. She did quite the contrary. According to WW, this was like a turning point for her. She had been debating on whether or not to sleep with OM. I had actually caught them red handed and everything was still ok. In fact, they joked that it was even better because now they had my blessing because, as I left, I told them to enjoy themselves.

They laughed back and forth about how I could be so dense as to walk in and catch them and yet be so clueless. They were even playing footsies while I was sitting there holding WW’s hand. And the real gut burner is that, according to WW, I was the deciding factor in her deciding to sleep with OM the first time."

ABSOLUTELY UNFORGIVABLE BETRAYAL...IMO

In your spot, DoneGone, I would inform your WW that was simply NEVER going to be a way back from this....and I would inform my daughters too and that THIS, more than any other aspect of her A was the reason I could not R with their mother.

Personally, I would also contact POSOM and quote him his email tough guy schtick and ask him when and where he wanted to meet to prove what a bad ass he really is.

And the instant he started to backpedal either on what he said or by not naming the meeting spot, I would tell him what a spineless, worthless excuse for a man he really is....and if he EVER sees me in the future, he better turn and run because he will be getting the beating of his life if I catch him.

I would pass up no opportunity to humiliate this worm to either himself or to other people.

In one of her email conversations with OM, he joked about me being pathetic and stupid when I walked in on them having lunch at the restaurant. Instead of being confused or suspicious, he stated that I just joined them for a few minutes and left. He said that had it been him, he would have opened up a can of whup ass on the spot.

According to WW, this was like a turning point for her. She had been debating on whether or not to sleep with OM. I had actually caught them red handed and everything was still ok. In fact, they joked that it was even better because now they had my blessing because, as I left, I told them to enjoy themselves.

I have a saying that I often tell my friends and family: “You don’t punish good behavior.” You had such unshakeable faith in your wife’s love and character that you were totally blinded to the possibility of her cheating. Because of that she and OM considered you a fool. That’s very disturbing and by itself reveals a fundamental character flaw.

They laughed back and forth about how I could be so dense as to walk in and catch them and yet be so clueless. They were even playing footsies while I was sitting there holding WW’s hand. And the real gut burner is that, according to WW, I was the deciding factor in her deciding to sleep with OM the first time.

The OM became the alpha male and your wife enjoyed f@cking his brains out. I may have missed it but what is her stated reason for fighting so hard for the foolish beta male? Why didn’t she divorce you and have the fantastic alpha guy?

[This message edited by Graywolf at 8:47 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Call him and tell him that you heard what he said, and better late than never, so just so you know, live the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.

Because revenge is a dish best served cold.

I completely understand wanting to do this, but you really shouldn't. There's no need to stroke that ego any more than it already has been imo.

According to WW, this was like a turning point for her. She had been debating on whether or not to sleep with OM. the real gut burner is that, according to WW, I was the deciding factor in her deciding to sleep with OM the first time.

She argues with me over this but it seems pretty plain to me. Later that same evening she emailed OM saying, “After he (WH) left, I knew I wanted us to happen.” She connected deciding to sleep with OM with me having been there.

No, she already had decided to have sex with him. She just used this as some half-assed way to blame you for it. "If my husband was not so stupid, I wouldn't have been a lying cheater." She was a lying cheater before the sex. She went there to get physical. She could have stayed home alone if she just wanted to talk to him.

There was a lot more back and forth in their emails concerning this incident, and it is all pretty disgusting, dirty and cheap. I am seriously considering posting some of it on here because WW insists that I am interpreting it too harshly.

I get the picture. Very difficult to say this, but don't get it personal. It was not about you. It was about her trying to come up with reasons for why she can do this and still be a good person. Blaming you. The way this game works is this - she never looked at herself as a cheater. She hates cheater. She hates liars who cheat. Yet, here she is, cheating, lying. That just can't be. She would never do that. It must be you. You are so weak and stupid, that's why she had to cheat. It's not her fault, it's yours. I have heard people compare that to the "rationalization hamster."

Cognitive dissonance theory and the cognitive and affective consequences of romantic infidelity

Joshua D. Foster

Tiffany A. Misra

University of South Alabama, Mobile, AL, USA

Abstract

Perpetrating romantic infidelity is discrepant with how most individuals see themselves and theoretically should produce cognitive dissonance. Accordingly, perpetrators of infidelity should experience symptoms of dissonance (e.g. self-concept discrepancy, psychological discomfort, poor affect) and employ tactics that reduce these symptoms (e.g. trivialization). These hypotheses were tested in four experiments. In each experiment, participants were given bogus feedback indicating that they had acted either faithfully or unfaithfully during a prior romantic relationship (this manipulation was evaluated in experiment 1). Participants who received unfaithful feedback reported higher levels of self-concept discrepancy, psychological discomfort, and poor affect (experiments 2 and 4) and trivialized to a greater extent the importance of their ostensive infidelities (experiments 3 and 4). Experiment 4 further showed that trivialization significantly reduced self-concept discrepancy and psychological discomfort but not poor affect. These results are generally consistent with the view that infidelity is a dissonance arousing behavior and that perpetrators of infidelity respond in ways that reduce cognitive dissonance.

In short, people know that infidelity is wrong, but some still do it. And when they do, they usually feel pretty bad about it. But through various forms of cognitive gymnastics, cheaters are able to discount their past indiscretions to feel better about themselves. Since the negative consequences, at least in terms of how they feel about themselves, are diminished, maybe they do not learn from their mistakes – and might be susceptible to cheating again in the future.

DG - I am sorry.

I am struck by how she has tried her best to try and control the entire process. You had to go to three IC sessions to get the passwords. She involved your children.

Rest assured you are not alone. I could tell a similar tale.

Trust. I was in love. And I trusted. And that trust was so strong it made certain thoughts inconceivable. I was naive - I didn't know the risk when I trusted. And when it was betrayed, it shook everything to my core.

Here is what I would say. They don't know what love is. They don't know how it alters your perception of the world. They will never know that trust.

Thiers is a love of calculation. Of ego. Of self-gratification.

Ten years after the end of my first marriage my ex-wife, who cheated on me in horrible ways, wrote me and asked about trust. To her at the time it was just silly. But later she realized she had never felt that, and wondered if she was even capable of love.

She wasn't.

I am not sure your wife understands what she has betrayed.

Your first post. She tried to make you crazy, to the point where she told you that you had "

said you were crazy and that you don’t know what you are talking about and that maybe you need to get your facts right and head checked?

The lies have never stopped. From the first post, in March:

Even though WW has confessed, taken full responsibility, begged for my forgiveness, sent NC letter to OM, exposed to OM's wife, began therapy, became accountable 24/7; none of this has been of any help to me.

Then, a couple days later:

My wife and I talk almost every day. Not my choice. She insists that she only saw OM twice and the inappropriate text only took place for three or four weeks.

She has manipulated over and over and over. And still is trying. From March:

She had also convinced me that her conversations with OM were benign in nature and my discomfort was a product of delusional jealousy. When I explained to WW wife that this was the first instance of me ever being jealous of her, she countered by saying that was only because she had never had a friendship with another man before.

She went from hardly ever texting when we were together to practically living on her phone. Within a couple weeks I began questioning her as to what was going on. At first she offered this or that reason but soon she would simply dismiss me by saying I had issues. It got to the point where she said I needed professional help and should make an appointment with a therapist. She cared enough for me that she researched my problem and revealed to me that I was most assuredly suffering from the Othello Syndrome. I looked it up. I was suffering from delusional jealousy.

I have three girls and she’s gotten them involved. Although they are very disappointed in their mother, she has convinced them that nothing physical happened and they have pressured me to keep the lines of communication open.

I will not even discuss the debacle involving the three counseling sessions to get the passwords and her full-court press to NOT get your truth.

Look at your most recent posts. Not much has changed from her side. She still is lying, still manipulating.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 9:42 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

WW insists that I am interpreting it too harshly.

Really????

Considering all the hard evidence that you have, the sheer scale of her betrayal, lying and disrespect to you and the havoc she has wreaked upon you and your family, how does she think you should interpret it? If this wasn't so tragic it would be laughable.

She obviously still has no idea of the damage she has caused. Either that or she is truly delusional. But she does not seem remorseful.

DG. I have read your entire thread and the first thing I want to say is I am sorry for what your WW has forced on you. I am a long time lurker, but your last update has compelled me to add my voice.

WW told me over the weekend that we have to talk. She goes on about how good we are together and that we couldn't allow her stupidity to ruin the rest of our lives. I told her that she doesn't get to cheat and ruin our lives and then decide that we cannot allow her cheating to ruin our lives.

I truly understand your anger now. After all the pain, deception and disrespect she has put you and your family through, she has the temerity to try and dictate what you should and shouldn't do!? The audacity is breathtaking! I am happy you did not let that stand.

I struggle to understand what your WW's endgame was or is. She knew you would eventually uncover the truth, yet she kept on spinning her web of deceit. Worse yet, she made you jump through hoops to get the truth (biased, unethical "marriage counseling"). She sat there while the so called counselor attacked you. Worst of all (IMHO), she recruited your children in her effort to mollify you. Who does that? Especially when they know what the ugly truth is. Did she just expect you to accept her version of the truth, sweep everything under the rug and move on?

I only ask these questions because I know you have probably asked yourself similar questions thousands of times. I know I would. You are not a stupid man... yet in my insignificant opinion, judging by her words and actions towards you, she is at times treating you like one.

DDay was not last week. She has no excuse to not understand that some of her words and actions are just digging the hole deeper. People who feel sincere remorse stop digging once they understand the devastation they wrought. They do not make their betrayed jump through hoops, or recruit other people to do their dirty gaslighting for them. They do not try to paint the one whose heart they ripped out as somewhat unstable. They do not try to dictate what should be and what should not be done. They do not try and shift blame for their choices onto the betrayed.

They ARE willing to do whatever it takes to help their loved ones heal. They do commit to do the hard work needed to build a new relationship on the ashes of the one they killed. Most importantly, they do take 100% ownership of their poor choices and resolve to do the work to find out why they made those choices, because without understanding, they will end up in the same situation again.

You sir are a better man than I. Despite what your WW said about your anger, and what some posters said about you, I admire your patience and your reason. There is no need to rush a decision. Remember, infidelity may be forgivable, but continued willful denial of the damage caused, or any intent to rug sweep after seeing the pain of the betrayed may not be.

The choice of D or R is yours, and yours alone. There are countless experienced members on this forum who will provide you with all the guidance you will ever need whichever path you choose. I wish you and your family the very best.

Lastly, do you know if your WW has been in contact with OM since DDay?

Rant over.

DG

I usually have a lot to say but I am basically speechless. What she put you through, even telling you you would be destroyed by the phone and e mails and then the effortsd she made to stop you from finding out, make me wonder how you can ever want to be in the same zip code with her.

I may have missed it but does this idiot MC who was siding with her know what you found. The ass hole ought to be frefunding your money with interest and be disbarred.

Good luck

What does she mean "we"?

We did not throw anything away, she did.

The time to you love was the day you caught them.

That is when special died.

"The OM became the alpha male and your wife enjoyed f@cking his brains out. I may have missed it but what is her stated reason for fighting so hard for the foolish beta male? Why didn’t she divorce you and have the fantastic alpha guy?"

Undoubtedly it was because after D-Day the fact that POSOM is in reality a spineless pussy who scurried like a cockroach for the nearest hiding place became an obvious fact.....and the volcanic rage, uncompromising demands, and harsh consequences dished out to her by DoneGone showed his WW who the real 'alpha' was.

DoneGone,

A couple of other points I was wondering about.

I know your WW exposed the A to POSOM's BW as part of her theatrical act to convince you she wanted R and was being accountable....BUT, she was only admitting to inappropriate texts and meeting POS two time, with NO sexual activity at the time.

Have you informed OM's BW of the entire truth now that it is out?

If you haven't...do it ASAP...blow Captain Courageous out of the water and wreck his life as he did yours.

Also, the MC you and your WW used was EXTREMELY biased in her favor...supporting her push for rugsweeping and claims your anger was out of control.

Did you inform this incompetent of the facts after getting them?....Is she aware that she was being played by your WW in a scheme to hide the full extent of the A from you?

DG

I am sorry. I hoped she was sicered from the begining.

From your last post IMO you can get 3 facts.

1 she never felt the same way about your marriage as you did. you can read here and on other webs that WW that had a good martiage, i mean a really good one, didnt badmouthed the BH to AP.

2 she si a lyer ans dodnt mind to hurt others as she can get what she wants, not even her kids. from.her texts and emails you got all you know now. didt she give you more information that oyherwise you wiukd ever know or just what you could prooved???? if not how dod you know that it was all? how do you know there were not previous affairs?

now she wants back her borring life back, the huabans that wasnt man enougth, the husband that was mentally ill and whent to seek help for feeling unconforyable about contacy with OM.

Sorry to tell but she was aware of what she was doing all the timr and, as she didnt share the same fewlings foeyou amd your marriagw, she was willing tovthem to happen.

3 this is mot your fault is 100% hers.

You should stop talking to her, at least for a couple of moths, to figure out what you want or need to do. tell her to focus on fixing the relation with her daugthers first.

As I remember your girls dont live with neather of you so the kids are not a problem.

If i were on your shoes i woukd tel her to never speak to me again and to tell that he won, she can be with a real men from now on.

Sorry again.

So wait I'm a little confused! So you found the emails after the PA started but the emails that were sent was before they started to sleep together?And in said E Mail OM called you dense and beta because you actually trusted your wife and instead of your wife ignoring it or reprimanding him she just fueled the fire by agreeing with insults of her own? But now she's saying that you read or interpreted it wrong?

....I had actually caught them red handed and everything was still ok. In fact, they joked that it was even better because now they had my blessing because, as I left, I told them to enjoy themselves.

They laughed back and forth about how I could be so dense as to walk in and catch them and yet be so clueless. They were even playing footsies while I was sitting there holding WW’s hand.

I don't know how you could possibly be interpreting that too harshly. It's one thing to be 'compartmentalised away' but something completely different when you were actually laughed about. It's a total lack of respect, plain and simple.

Added to that her involving your daughters in her lies and I'm just pretty disgusted by her behaviour altogether.

So you are not 'mistaking' or 'interpreting' anything 'too harshly' - she's attempting to minimise and gaslight instead - and if she were now truly disgusted and ashamed of her 'past' behaviour then she would be owning it, apologising for it, and trying to work out why she did it. For her own sake - as well as yours.

But instead she's attempting to carry it on, by insulting your intelligence and trying to gaslight you again into believing that it wasn't what is so plainly was. By doing so, she is only showing her lack of true remorse. She's more sorry for what's happened to herself and trying to minimise the damage to her than she is sorry for what she did to you. I'm glad you are not taken in by this.

Also, I'd like to second Dyokemm's question - does the OM's betrayed wife now know the true details of the affair?

Like others, I'm disgusted by her behaviour. I know it's up to you to eventually decide whether to give her another chance, but that would forever prevent me from giving her another chance. So I hope you will soon go forever no contact with her (with the exception of an occasional polite hello on events with your daughters).

Best wishes

DoneGone,

I recommend that you do not post those message. They were messages between two awful people who are not longer relevant to your life, outside of child care.

Awful people say awful thing about others like that because they are awful themselves. That one was your wife is the definition of a terrible human.

You are so hurt because you are a good person and their actions don't compute. They never will. You have to be awful to understand them.

Forget them.

I would give your daughters all of the evidence though, so they they can make their own decisions. They are adults, their mother cheated on them just as much as you, and if you think they can handle it they should see it. Others will probably disagree with me on this. Infidelity destroys families, information and trust recover them.

I would tell the daughters that you will share the messages with them only if they ask you for them, and only after you have warned them that they are very disturbing.

They are a victim of her actions just as much as you , and they deserve to know IF THEY WANT. But I wouldn't bring them up myself, I'd wait for them if they ask for them.

How has IC been helping you, DG? I hope you've been feeling better lately...

Contempt. Contempt is the feeling with which your WW regards you. To be able to do what she did, one has to be seriously narcissistic at least. Playing footsie with POSOM, while you're there smiling, paying their drinks, wishing them a good time. This is betrayal at the deepest level. Very bad. I can't say this in a nice way: Your WW has been shitting on you and I think this has not stopped yet.

I truly think that the best thing to do for you is to take your pink glasses off and start seeing her for what she really is. Painful to have to conclude that perhaps this marriage was not as happy as you thought it was. Also from your posts I get the feeling that you are still not yet strong enough to take drastic actions and cut your WW out of your life definitely.

I wish and hope that you find the strength to really make the right decision an make that decision quick. I think your marriage is damaged beyond repair.

I may have missed it but what is her stated reason for fighting so hard for the foolish beta male? Why didn’t she divorce you and have the fantastic alpha guy?

Graywolf

Undoubtedly it was because after D-Day the fact that POSOM is in reality a spineless pussy who scurried like a cockroach for the nearest hiding place became an obvious fact.....and the volcanic rage, uncompromising demands, and harsh consequences dished out to her by DoneGone showed his WW who the real 'alpha' was.

Dyokemm

I agree that this could very well be the answer but I would like the WW to put it into words.

I’ve read several cases where women in their 40’s with an admittedly great marriage decide to fool around. They want to grow old with their husband and think that they will never be caught.

If they are caught they think that their marriage is so strong that they can talk their husband out of divorce. They will do anything to save their marriage and always knew that their husband was a great guy.

What’s different about this case is the WW opinion of her husband. If her husband was such a looser why will she walk over hot coals to win him back? I would like her to put that into words.

your daughters are right, when WW betrayed you, she betrayed them too. I am glad your relationship is growing stronger with them after the way WW pawned them off