SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Start t/j

Its against the TOS

Sorry for the threadjack. What does TOS mean?

End t/j

Sorry for the threadjack. What does TOS mean?

TOS = Terms of Service

I absolutely set boundaries and have expectations for my relationship. That is my job as a human being...nothing to do with WS status.

Oddly enough, my XH likes the new me a lot more than the old me who had no boundaries or expectations, for myself OR others. *shrug* Hmmm. Must be doing something right.

Alyssa,

At this point the most useful thing for you would be to slightly insist that you move home. You don't have to share a bed but at least be in the same home for any chance of R.

Secondly, after asking him several times for R, I feel he now owes you a commitment to yay or nay.

Either way is his choice and you will have to respect it but it can't be a limbo situation as that's not fair on your daughter. At some point in time he needs to decide whether he wants to try an R the marriage or not.

As for is his behaviour normal or not? The Boston thing screams it was pre-planned. Having her over for dinner with the kids there doesn't sound too bad as may have been just to pass time ALTHOUGH this woman is going to be his shoulder to cry on and I wouldn't be surprised if it develops into an EA if it hasn't already.

Just a thought, if an EA is inappropriate attachment and defined as "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage."

Then in a situation like Alyssa's where there is already emotional distance etc would this be classed as an EA or an inappropriate friendship?

I know, deep down, it doesn't matter what label we give it. It's not helping anyone move forward.

I cannot believe that this statement even comes forth. The cheater has to now stuff it down or fear saying something because it won't bode well for them? Why? Because they cheated so now they should just suck it up and expect the behavior as justifiable? Nobody cheating can be justified. The act is wrong no matter who it happens to.

Unagie, I quite agree. Which is why i posted this in response to someone else

But now if they are to work on things, they both need to talk about boundaries, in a non-lecturing way. Neither of them can take the high ground to demand anything. It needs to be discussed.

In other words, no complaining about each other cheating. They both did it, so no high roads, no lecturing. If they are going to work on the marriage, sit down and discuss it. No one is better than the other. Fix the problem, or leave if they simply want to fixate on who cheated first, worse, etc.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 10:32 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

In other words, no complaining about each other cheating

What exactly do you mean by complaining? Does this include never talking about your hurt or how you feel about what happened?

What exactly do you mean by complaining?

Bickering back and forth, "well you did this" "well you did that"

Does this include never talking about your hurt or how you feel about what happened?

Not at all. Talking about the hurt isn't fixating on who did what when and worse.

Talking about the pain is absolutely understandable. But when 2 people have cheated and decide to reconcile, then the bickering about whose cheating was worse has no place.

I totally agree with that. The problem often arises in madhatter situations when one partner is remorseful and totally understands what they have done and the other one does not. They just want to stand and point the finger at what the other has done and blame them.

Precisely. I completely agree.

Neither of us have posted anything on fb about our separation, but he has had many postsr about hanging out with female coworkers and even posted a pic of him, our dd, a female coworker and her two children in Boston....he had taken Our dd to Boston for the day and just happened to run into the coworker and her children.

I agree with UO and others that his behaviour is destructive and wayward. Also - not sure if anyone else has said it, but I doubt that this was a coincidence, and it would make me very angry that pictures of this were on FB. Whatever else is going on here (EA, PA) this is surely feeding the coworker OW's fantasy of a happy new family.

((alyssa))

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 11:18 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

I haven't posted in a very long time, but this thread resonated with me. After my A, my BS' reaction was not just one RA, but many. In my face....along with lying to me about it. Full-blown WS behavior. All the while demanding full transparency from me. It was hard for me to be so vulnerable when he was continuing his A. It was hard for me to do the work of R by myself. Nearly impossible to do what I needed for the marriage while he was being destructive. His justification was "you did it first". We didn't make it. Our divorce will be final next week. We *might* have had a chance if he chose different coping mechanisms and an environment of recovery was created. Your BS' behavior does not sound like someone who is leaning toward R, and if he is, he's not allowing a foundation of trust and open communication to form.

When my BS was having his RAs he kept saying he was unsure if he wanted to R, that maybe my A was a deal breaker. The reality is, he never got to find out what we were capable of. Remember, he is not the only one in your relationship that has a decision to make. If he wants to R with you, than he will need to act like someone who values his marriage. Treating you as a valuable person, and treating himself as one too, is at the core of healing. I hope you guys can find your way...living in limbo is awful. ((Hugs)).

They just want to stand and point the finger at what the other has done and blame them.

Yes that's where I am and it tears me apart inside. It tears me apart that I think he's still lying. Nofool I apologize if I vented a bit on your posts but they hit a sore spot with me.

Full-blown WS behavior

EXACTLY. And this is where my alarm bells start going off. It's the whole chicken egg discussion. I have a little trouble buying into the whole, "I would NEVER have even considered it but now that it's happened I'm going to fuck everything and everyone because I'm in so much pain"

Riiiiigggghhhhhhhtttttt! I'm guessing that if the light was shown on some previous actions and choices you might just find that the identified wayward wasn't the only partaker.

My situation speaks to that, sadly. My ex cheated throughout our entire relationship. Had he been a member here he could have, if he acknowledge my affair as an affair which I suspect he didn't because of his ego, hung out and traded stories quite prolifically in the BM thread branding me with the scarlet letter and himself as wracked with pain (not saying he wouldn't have been). Any transgressions made after could be "blamed" my choices being the nexus and his self esteem being horribly boo boo owied by such an evil unremorseful wayward wife (which I resembled quite nicely when I joined...even now, according to some )

YET, he'd been a card carrying member from the get go. That's where the whole "normal" sticks in my craw (what the hell is a craw to begin with or am I bastardizing the term). His behavior would have absolutely been "normal" because he was a wayward to begin with.

Again, you can only establish healthy boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate and stick to them letting go of controlling the outcome. Quid pro quo doesn't get you to health. Just makes you better at score keeping.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 3:04 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

Not at all. Talking about the hurt isn't fixating on who did what when and worse.

It's not? How do you talk about the hurt without discussing the actions and the person perpetrating those actions?

How is that approach even possible with infidelity? If it were you could seperate the actions from the person so threads like "I no longer see my wife/husband the same way" would be rare, I'd imagine.

I think that being careless with someone forgetting birthday or not being sympathetic to struggles maybe, if the desire to stay married is strong, could fall in this category but does not the actions and choices of cheating redefine the cheater and bring other transgressions into a much different light and focus?

Or....do I need to back away from the coffee?