SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm currently struggling to not send a Happy Birthday one.

Haven't read this whole thread, but let me just say that as a BS, seeing WH send 'happy birthday' emails to OW was a combined elbow to the gut, knee to the groin and slap to the face.

Is that the message you really want to send?

ymmv.

But he fails to see the correlation between his secrets, his attention to other women, his pining for what he cannot have, his desire for the perfect passion of the fantasy relationship will always inhibit the intimacy he wants with me

Yep. Well said. Marriages exist in the real world. If a WS is inclined to drift off into fantasyland, there's nothing a BS can do about that. Marriage is mostly about commitment, shared goals, and true love for another person. Not about excitement, racing heartbeats, and sneaking around in the shadows. It's a mature form of love that constantly seeks to keep the flame alive in healthy ways, but has no expectation that things will feel like they did back in high school when you first made sustained eye contact with that beautiful girl / hot guy in algebra class. If that's the standard, then a person is doomed to eventual failure or disappointment in all of their romantic relationships.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:57 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Just bc your therapist endorses not telling, doesn't make it right. I would love to know how many of those therapists are sitting there handing out that advice while their H or W is banging the neighbor. They wouldn't want to know?

My H did not tell me. He was a coward - afraid I would leave him. I found out all on my own and I did so one year after it ended.

People worry if their M will survive upon their spouse finding out. Our M never would have survived had I NOT found out. The secret between us would have been too great.

Floridaredman and Sall995...you guys nailed it many x over.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:24 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Hi confused:

I feel the same as dantejace amd smez sometimes but I will not break NC. When he said he gave up the love of his life for his family- I get it. My AP did too and said he couldnt imagine growing old with W but needed to stay for kids who are 10. Also said easier to stay where he was unhappy vs being with the person he loved and cared for. Said he could try to live an okay life there instead of a happy one! Do I believe he has regrets? Yes, but not about staying for kids the regrets are about giving up love of his life to do it. thats where the coward comes from- easy way out! I have to be done and am moving on.

I agree about what you said about the sex and intimacy- it is hard but it gets better and easier with time and communication. Going out or staying in and spending time together helps but it took a while before there was improvement. Some days are still difficult, some are not.

Someone said that if their spouse still thought about AP after a year that they would be upset and the M wouldnt be going anywhere! Dont most people think about ex's from past here and there? I dont think its wrong to have thoughts about AP as long as its not obsessive. I am 10 months NC and I think of AP- angry thoughts at times, wonder how he is, sometimes hoping he is miserable, stuck wondering what if- all kinds of random stuff. Not constantly but probably once a day while driving. When you had a feeling or connection to someone its natural to wonder. After five years how do you not?

I also think people who say they never think about AP may not be telling the truth. If you had a crazy nut case then I get it, but if you had a good person who you cared about you do think about them occasionally.

People who have A are messed up and should have left first if they were so unhappy. Sometimes it just happens out of nowhere. I do think a lot of people choose to stay where they are not always because they love their spouse but because of kids and finances and they just try to make things work where they are because it is easier. Some spouses are really the h/w first choice, some are not -but are chosen for kids/money. Maybe life gets better, maybe it returns to normal?

Bs are in no way cowards- I give them a hell of a lot of credit. They are special people who are trying to forgive and that is one of the hardest things in the world to do!

It all boils down to time. Time for the feelings and hurt to lessen, Time to really look at your husband and SEE him, time to comminicate and repair your relationship, time to be ready to move forward and enjoy life.

I just drove 2 1/2 hours each way alone to my daughters cheer competition and while writing this I realized i barely thought of AP whole time. A few months ago it would have been consuming me the whole 5 hours. Thats progress in my book!

Take the time you need to heal yourself and try to communicate and have some laughs with your H. You just need time.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 3:16 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Indulging in whatif thoughts about the AP is not NC at least not mental NC.

My WH told his PA she was the love of his life. 6 months of NC and he has no idea what he was thinking. He didn't stay with me because of the kids and finances. He didn't support our move away from his support system so I could be closer to mine, because I was the back up plan. WH used all of his APs . He told them whatever they needed to hear to keep the validation coming. He was never going to leave me because he wants the wife and kids. Until you have to face the fallout, your AP will always be a fond memory. WH doesn't think about his APs. He just moves onto new targets when he gets bored or when he gets scared he will lose everything. Then he tries to white knuckle it until he needs his next validation fix.

I am honestly amazed at how many couples stay together after reading about some of the betrayals. I don't know that I could do that. Plus I also wonder why people want to make it work so bad after some of the horrible revelations

kind of worries me. I'm not sure if I'm reading it correctly, but it sounds like you're a bit disdainful of BSs who want to R -- do you see them as weak, lacking in pride? You need to examine that feeling, because if you don't respect your BH for wanting to stick with you (assuming he does), that will be a problem.

I don't see BS's as weak at all. I am just saying that after reading so many posts there are things that seem impossible to me to get over, but that's me. I have a hard time with forgiveness and I wish I didn't but I do. and yes I see the irony of it. I think in some situations people in affairs should leave their families for each other if that is truly what they want. Yes it's selfish but is living a lie with someone else better? I don't believe it's best to stay for kids in all situations. I think it's best for kids to see healthy relationships, not one based on lies or anger. I just always say that when it comes to affairs there is never one answer that works for everyone. I know of a few couples right now that started as affairs. Their marriage is now over and the two AP's are together. It doesn't always have to end poorly. If I reveal to my husband all I've done then he has every right to kick me out and that's the chance I took when I made teh decision to cheat. Only then will I maybe get the true understanding of what I've done. But if the alternative is to stay together and not really work on R, then I think we'd both be better off apart. Not sure if all this is coming out right in my words but basically just know I do not feel that the BS is a sucker for staying but I do think every circumstance is different. There are some BS's though that I do think should leave, that are getting crumbs from their spouse and just putting off a divorce because of everything that is involved in that process. The sooner they move on from a bad relationship, the sooner they can make themselves and their children happier. Anyway those are just my thoughts.

pastthelies, with 10months NC behind you and a very lta do you think you made the right choice by not telling your husband? I know at the time you were like me and it seemed the best thing to do, but in thinking about it now do you feel like you are carrying this huge burden that is on your mind a lot? or do you feel like it's gotten easier to have this secret?

There will never be a good time to tell. Part of me says wait until this or that is over but I know it's also just excuses because I'm scared of the outcome. My husband has planned an overnight in a couple of weeks for us, but it happens to be in a small town that me and AP were in a few months ago together. part of me thinks I should take teh weekend to just enjoy him, the other part says take the weekend to tell him while the kids are away. But who wants to be in a fun town and a ncie place and get this kind of news. Me thinks I should wait til afterward...another delay I know.

Confused,

Your BH is in a bad relationship filled with lies. He just doesn't know it or doesn't know why he is in s bad relationship. Doesn't he deserve to make a choice based on all of the information. I am.

My M is suffering. Maybe I should end it and move on. Maybe I am only getting crumbs from a cheater. But at least he has given me the truth. JMO

You said:

I think it's best for kids to see healthy relationships, not one based on lies or anger

Which is not at all compatible with you continuing to lie to your husband by hiding your A. You keep looking for a reason to NOT tell. And, ultimately, you are the only one who can make that decision. But, if you truly believe what you said above, you should leave your H and spare your children a relationship based on lies or confess and build a relationship on honesty.

[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 4:26 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

But who wants to be in a fun town and a ncie place and get this kind of news

Who wants to be in their own bedroom and get this news on your H's bday? Or standing in the local grocery store and hear about your life in the aisles? Or drive by your bf's house and see your spouses' car in the driveway?

Yes. As you acknowledged you are making delays.

There is no right place. There is no right time. But you do have a chance to do the right thing.

Good luck. This is one BS who is outta here!

I am not defending my poor choices to enter into an affair, but I am trying to figure out the best way to not have as much suffering for everyone. Part of me wishes I was caught so that I could have to deal with it RIGHT NOW, but then I'm also glad that I have the time to work on me so that I'm a better person when I do decide to tell my spouse.

Hi Confused,

I hear that you're trying to minimize suffering for everyone. I think that's a good way forward! A couple of things come to mind -

1. It sounds like you're suffering from still thinking about your AP. Your BH and your relationship with him is suffering as a result of that, too. So why not make the effort to go mental NC? It will give you a lot of clarity.

2. I hear that the prospect of causing pain and suffering to your BH is making you put off telling him about your A. Actually, though, you have *already caused* it by having the A, and are continuing to cause more by continuing to lie. Telling him will be the first step you take in helping him come to terms with and heal from the damage.

Hope that makes sense.

Confused,

I do not feel I made a mistake by not telling. In fact I have someone who helps me on here by PM that supported my decision if I felt it was right and gave me a lot of advice. I do not have a real chance of getting caught- my AP lives in another state and only a couple of my life long friends know, so I really dont have that fear.

As i said it takes time and I feel I am stronger and more clear with each month that passes! I see my husband better each month and we communicate much more! I put effort in and it is paying off, slowly, We get along well and dont fight, we have laughs and fun. I sometimes struggle with the sex part but not nearly as much as i did at all and Most of the time i enjoy him now. Is it the same as AP? No- but nothing ever will be!

As for the kids- i agree if they are in a bad environment it is better to leave than teach them to have bad relationship skills or live in a house of misery! That is not fair to anyone.

I also didnt mean all AP stay in M for kids and finances but I bet a lot do; every circumstance and life is different. When my AP got caught his biggest worry was that she was gping to take him for everything and he would have to live in his camper and that she would try to take his kids away-not fear of M ending or it being over with her. This was also both of our 1st and only A. It started with chemistry and a drunk kiss we felt guilty and were just friends. It turned into EA after about 5 months, PA after 15.

At the beginning when we talked i was always giving him advice to try and helpbfix his M. He said everytime I look at her all I see is yuck- no chemistry or attraction anymore, have grown apart and so on! I offered suggestions to help.

Also isadora said her WH lies and moves on to the next AP. He will never leave he wants the wife and kids! Why dont you leave? I can see trying to forgive one mistake but many? No way.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 5:18 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Confused,

My advice for your weekend away is to really try to focus on you and your husband. Put effort in and try. See if you have fun and enjoy each other! This is a tough one since all this is so fresh for you. Do your best to try!

As we mentioned sex, i hear a lot on here to fake it til you make it. I did at the beginning and occasionally now but not much. It works and hopefully if you can move forward you will get to a place to be able to enjoy each other. You need time to heal and time to be able to move forward.

Im not a WS so im note sure if I have permission to post her. SO I apologize if I can not.

I must admit I have not read every post, I have read most and scanned through the rest.

This comes from a BH and DD was 3 weeks ago. SO take this with a grain of salt.

My first thought wasn't you,OM or BH it was your kids.

Think of them, how selfish are you being putting your needs before your children, what will happen when there world is torn apart.

I say this to hopefully encourage you to confess, my WW did not, im not sure how much of a difference it would have made but it could not have made the situation any worse.

I will be filing for D, I have 2 DS 7 months and 5 years old. I am so angry with her because I know first hand of the hard time my boys will have to go through.

I was 7 when my parents D, and it was my mom who was the WS.

Please do not take this as an attack im just trying to lift the fog.

Pastthelies,

I have no idea why I stay. But I know who my husband is and I know the state of my M. It's my choice. WH has had three As and several inappropriate online relationships. I came to SI after he confessed the PA. Then I found out about the earlier EAs.

He started doing the work, but has been white knuckling it since 2010. He is not a predator, just a broken wayward with poor coping mechanisms. He thought he could overcome his big gaping void by sheer force of personality. He fell off the wagon so to speak by not enforcing his boundaries anvd falling back on the familiar validation need, because he stopped doing the work.

Confused

Your posts are full of contradictions.

It's very sad to live your life with so many walls and I have never dated anyone like that.

Obviously you can't date yourself.

Think about that.

My husband can meet most of my needs if I let him. My husband is very well liked by everyone that knows him. He takes care of me and the kids on a regular basis, never has to be asked to do work around the house, just does it. He wants to be more sexual with me but I just need to put more effort into it. I feel like if we could get our sexlife improved then I'd have a more positive outlook.

Since the beginning of your posts you have maintained that you love your AP and it wasn't just about sex, yet here we see you say the only thing missing from your marriage is good sex.

What I meant is that he likes to avoid conflict, plus has no courage. He has no balls pretty much. Usually always taking the easy path in everything he does

just wanted to make sure it didnt seem like I was saying that it takes courage to lie and cheat

You state your AP was a coward, yet you do exactly the same thing but don't see yourself as a coward.

I stir the pot if need be to get things moving and don't shy away from conflict.

Really? How is not telling your BS, not avoiding conflict?

Your have stated in your previous posts your main fear is the consequences if you confess.

I do feel I am a good leader

Good leaders, lead by example.

Not by living a clandestine double life and cheating on their spouse.

You have an over inflated opinion of yourself.

Are you able to look in the mirror and say-

I am a cheater

I am a liar

I am a coward

I am a vow breaker

I am not a good human being

I need to change

Until you can sincerely do this and accept it, your life and the lives of your family are just a train wreck waiting to happen, whether you confess or not.

slowuptake, with the exception of the affair I dont feel I'm a coward. Yes I'm a coward for not telling him but that has a lot of different reasons, not just being afraid and cowardly.

I don't believe I put up walls in my life. Yes the affair is a wall but the affair is not all of me. I am not going to let the affair define the rest of my life and how I am. I do not compartmentalize but I must have in order to lie and cheat. I get that, but normally I am not able to to do that.

Sex with my husband is fine, but not all of what I want it to be I guess. It's more about the feeling and connection that I had with AP that is hard and impossible for him to compete with. The excitement of someone new is hard to compete with so it's unfair for me to say it's just about the act of sex, to me its so much more. I actually feel that there are other things more intimate than sex itself. All things I'd like to have more fully charged in my marriage.

I am a good leader, yes I get that everything about me that you know shows you otherwise but that is only because you know me only as the WW. That is not how I am known to anyone else. So if you separate me from that I am trying to tell you the type of person I am. I am not afraid to speak my mind etc.

That is why I say that if roles were reversed I'm not sure I could forgive my husband. I'd ask a lot of questions and the mind movies would play on all day and night. I'm not in that situation so i cant say for sure. I have also said I would probably rather not know. If things were over and he was not a serial cheater etc then I guess I'd rather not know.

By telling my husband he has the right to tell others if he chooses, those others have the choice to decide if they no longer want their kids at our house which then affects them. Yes I get that I did this, but my point is that it's hard to come forth with information that I know could have a lot of damage on them as well. In the end I will probably tell him because I feel so guilty and I think it will be the only way for me to really move on with him. If I try to do the work alone I might not work as hard. I'm not sure, but just my thoughts right now.

Confused, I get that you're hurting, and confused, and not sure of what to do or what will happen.

But you have to face the fact that the only way out of this is to tell the truth. The outcome may not be the one you want, but NO ONE is benefiting from this situation.

You aren't, your A partner isn't, your H and kids sure as hell aren't, and being honest, as a wife and mother, your obligation is to them first - especially your kids.

It scared the hell out of me to tell the truth, and risk losing my wife and kids, but I'd rather they grew up knowing I was a cheater, than a cheater and a liar.

I know that's a harsh reality to face, but you've got to know that it's not going to change or get better without some action on your part.

You haven't done right by your H by having an affair, but you have an opportunity to do right by him now by telling the truth. More lying helps no one but yourself.

Best of luck.

If I try to do the work alone I might not work as hard. I'm not sure, but just my thoughts right now.

This is a good thought. For without facing the consequences where is the motivation to change?

I'm starting to see some light here, keep going.

I am a good leader, yes I get that everything about me that you know shows you otherwise but that is only because you know me only as the WW. That is not how I am known to anyone else.

This is the very essence of compartilisation. It's not just about actions.

The perception of anyone who doesn't know the real you, is you're a good person.

But you don't have walls?

You believe your wayward thinking doesn't effect any other part of your life.

I encourage you to ponder that.

So if you separate me from that I am trying to tell you the type of person I am. I am not afraid to speak my mind etc.

In the real world this is called hypocrisy. Having ethics that wax & wane depending on the circumstances.

Not a trait that would normally be attributed to a fine upstanding person.

Keep working at it, I think you're starting to get there.

isadora- I wish you luck and happiness. I dont know how ypu do it!

Confused- I cannot even believe how similar our situations are! I agree on the intimacy and I see glimpses of it now. I know that is on me, I hold back because it is not the same or intense and connected as woth AP. Some days are good and I need to work on the connection there. I am assuming it is the same for you. My husband and I talked and both agree things are a lot better. They are not where I would like them to be - he would probably say life is good.

I also agree with you and If it was over and not multiple AP's I am not sure i'd want to know! I cant even explain why I feel like that.

I am also a good person and this was one mistake that I dont want me or my kids judged by. In fact, I am embarrassed because I trusted and fell hard for someone I couldnt end up trusting. Makes me sad and also angry. I didnt ever intend for this to happen. In fact if you asked my friends I am the least likely person to ever do what I did. I made a bad decision and I have to fix it and live with what I did.

You asked if at this point I have terrible guilt- I do feel guilty sometimes when I look at my husband, what a good man he is and think about what I risked. I loved my AP, part of me always will love and miss him but he wasnt worth it!