SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will say this again -

OW is NOT stable. She's willing to lie about being pregnant to try to 'get you'. You really think she won't tell your BGF?

Your BGF should hear the truth from you, not from OW.

Ok. I have told her.....I told her everything.

BGF got the full truth last night, I was crying while I did and she held me while I gave the whole story.

This was by far the most difficult/painful experience I have ever had. I told her everything. The claimed "Preg" part was where it all started to really unravel. It seems accepting my infidelity was pretty bad as is.....but the possibility of me being a father to someone else's child pushed her over the edge (this has been a sore point throughout our r.ship). The fact that I never requested an abortion probably doubled her pain. In her mind this is obviously something I wanted and was 'deliberate' in my actions.

We were in a public setting so not much in terms of a scene could be created. She bawled, hyperventilated,....I have never experienced anything more painful in my life....watching someone you love respond to being hurt (by you) in the most deepest way imaginable.

She has said to me that it would have been better if I just ended it, and not confessed anything. Looking at my life crumbling right before me, I fully agree...I wish I didn't tell her anything

This relationship can never recover and she will be leaving me.

Thank you everyone for your kind words/advice.

Goodbye

Grand84, you did the right thing...the start of living an authentic life. The OW is a loose cannon and could have picked up the phone at any time, which would have been 10x worse.

Whether your relationship survives or not, you really need to figure out, preferably with individual counseling, why you have cheated. If I recall, this wasn't your first rodeo.

If you do not get to the root of your situation, in all likelihood you might repeat this behavior again.

I suggest you continue posting here, the members will help you through this and support you in making healthier choices in your life.

Grand,

You have no idea and may never be able to fully appreciate how much BETTER it is that you came forward with this. So many of us didnt, and I for one wish I had. So badly.

If you truly love her, dont let go. You sound defeated and like you have already detached. Assuming this is the end (even if she says it is) is the biggest mistake you can make right now.

You have made a massively helpful step toward one day earning some kind of trust again by being the one that told her, she didnt find out herself. If you really love her and still want to marry her then now is your chance to start proving it. Dont turn your back, acknowledge your responsibility for the pain she now feels and ensure her you are there for her - even when she says she doesnt want it, still remind her you are there.

But really, do you REALLY wish that you had allowed an innocent woman to hand her life over to a lie? Only to find out later and have her life even more destroyed? This was the right move. Time to own it. Time to be authentic.

Keep posting!

I am defeated.

She keeps reminding me that this isn't the 1st i've done this to her, and its best for everyone that it ends now. The only thing that has 'improved' is me not having EAs with O women. The physical stuff has remained.

Me fighting for the relationship is just the selfishness kicking in.

I am just NOT fit for traditional monogamy; something i've come to accept while up staring at the roof last night.

Marriage isn't for me....and its ok.

I'll be fine eventually

Marriage isn't for me....and its ok

.

^^If this is truly the case, I hope that any relationship you enter into in the future, you are candid up front. No leading another woman on, it is heartwrenching to put it mildly.

I still suggest IC. Seems as though you might be trying to justify your behavior.

Grand84, I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you have done the right thing by telling your GF now and not at some point in the future. You at least laid it out in front of her and allowed her to make her own choice about the two of you.

As to you 'not being fit for traditional monogamy', I'm not sure what to say about that. I suppose some people aren't, and that's fair enough I guess, but that's information that would need to be made known at the start of a relationship - that's kind of important and won't suit everybody you might want to date or get involved with.

You might also find that getting into something with a person who doesn't think that they're cut out to be traditionally monogamous isn't quite the picnic you thought, and comes with its own complications.

In any case, well done for telling your GF. That can't have been easy. I hope the situation with OW's pregnancy resolves itself to the point where you know what's true and what is not.

You should stick around here. There are a lot of people who will give you great advice and assist you in healing yourself if you're open to it.

Thanks for the positive words Forged1.

I am still in a daze honestly. I have just had the most emotionally painful experience of my life. I am still feeling like I made a huge mistake telling BGF. I really am hoping that in time I will agree with you that it was a right decision.

All communication with OW has been cut; it will be kept that way. The plan right now is to take some time and work on my demons. Try the IC thing.

I don't know....depression must have a limit. Going to have to try ride this out. This is my doing after all.

I'm sorry that it was so painful. There was never any promise that she wouldn't end it but you did prove that you loved her more than you loved yourself by telling her. Notice she didn't say it would be better if you never told her. She said it would have been better if you ended it and never told her. That tells you that she didn't want to spend a lifetime with a cheater. And, really, you wouldn't have been able to end it without telling her because she would have wanted to know why and even if you made something up, it still would have hurt.

Maybe monogamy isn't for you. If you can't be faithful, it certainly shouldn't be. I hope, however, that one day you see yourself differently. A relationship in which two people become everything to each other can be very deep and gratifying. Knowing everything about each other and letting no one else between you can make a relationship feel special in a way that no superficial affair ever could. Flitting from woman to woman may be fun for a while but at some point, it will likely lose it's luster and you may long for something deep and meaningful that you can't get from dating multiple women.

In the meantime, you did the right thing for your girlfriend. She deserved your honesty. She deserved the right to decide if she wanted to stay with someone who had betrayed her. She deserved the right to make a decisions for her future knowing who she really was in a relationship with. Now, instead of just assuming monogamy isn't for you, you should be working on who you are and what made you become the kind of person who would lie and cheat. It's never too late to become a better you. Now is your chance.

Thanks tears.

She has made it clear in the past she didn't want to spend her life with a cheater. My actions were a risk I took.

I am by no means an emotional person. BGF is the only person I have ever opened myself to all my life. I don't really have/keep any close friends that I could share my situation with. This thread is responsible for me keeping my sanity these past days. I really am overwhelmed by the responses and honest advice....all coming from total strangers.

I accept your sentiments and I should definitely try to learn from this experience. Right now however, I just want to survive.

It hurts so much

Grand,

It sounds like you may have issues with emotional intimacy. Your affairs may have been your way of not putting all of your emotional investment in one person. A good IC can help you with this, as well as the fallout from your affair.

You did do the right thing by confessing. Secrets destroy intimacy and the lack of intimacy destroys relationships. By telling, you showed her she was important enough to you to merit the truth.

Please go ahead and retain the attorney to guide you through the legal issues that you may be facing. And remember NC with the AP.

I am sorry you are hurting, but you did do the right thing.

Cat