SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All the points are valid in different ways

There are some really terrible marriages, admitted by both spouses, prior to the affair. Being a victim (i.e., betrayed) does not make you a good person.

"We were in the same marriage" - I take that to mean that the writer of that believes that the flaws were fairly even - 50/50 - and one cheated and one didn't. That might be true in some marriages. Of course, no two people could be EXACTLY the same, but it could be close as far as satisfaction and fulfillment in the marriage, that both were 50% satisfied, 75% satisfied, or 90% satisfied. Both about equal in happiness in the marriage.

Then there are marriages where the betrayed spouse, pre-affair, was an absolute horror. Abusive, absent, gambled away the rent every other month, out late drinking with their friends every weekend, and the wayward pre-affair was holding down the fort in every possible way. The problems of the marriage were not 50/50. More like 90/10. The marriage was so bad, the wayward should have divorced long ago, but didn't. One person was 90% satisfied in the marriage, and the other was 10% satisfied in the marriage.

Don't you think the fact that you don't think you are in the same marriage to be the bigger problem.

Why do you continue the marriage?

There are many reasons that people continue a marriage when they know or think that they shouldn't still be in it.

I have said that statement too. Usually it is to explain to a newly minted BS that their WS affair is not their fault. To get them on stable ground again. To help them see that their WS is "broken," and nothing they did/did not do "forced" the WS to become a cheater. Bottom line is there are/were a lot of options that are less destructive to the M, up to and including D. There isn't a secret option wherein having something on the side magically makes everything better. It just helps the WS care less about their M and thus have less invested in the M "issues."

I think the intended meaning behind it is that if the WS had boundaries and valued their integrity they would not have made the choice to cheat. It is 100% on them. It is not a mistake. It is a choice. A lot of new WS tend to think of themselves as a victim. They need to be reminded that they are the perpetrator. Their situation is not that "special," and the A created new M problems where none existed before.

Most BS blameshift detectors go off when this point is argued. Mine included.

Outside of infidelity there are usually plenty of reasons on both sides to resent the other. Not the same or even equal in measure. The big difference was that one person chose to cope with that resentment differently. They might use that resentment to alleviate their own guilt about things they know to be wrong. Or they might use it to justify their actions in the first place.

For whatever excuse the WS uses, they are still a person with agency and free will. They chose to become a WS versus making the harder choice that might have avoided a lot of pain.

TG, You know I've spent years and thousands of $ on IC. In the process I became a better person and was able to live my life in a so much better way. Part of that was losing the CODA in my M. It makes my W insecure sometimes (she has a lot more work that I do), but it also creates space for me to be my true self versus one half of a couple pretending to have a strong M.

Every single one of us has things we could do to improve our M. However when those steps are taken as a detriment to ourselves it creates resentment and animosity. So making changes is good, but don't sacrifice/ lose yourself in that process.

TG

Understand. Focus on the reasons you stay married while you try to get into the same marriage

I think that I am speaking more to the fact that I stay married when my children were growing up more than why I stay married now.

I would not be married now if I did not want to be. I took a very long time to make my decision as to whether I still wanted to be in this marriage or not after the last time that he cheated, and I am I know that I want to be here.