SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This saying makes me nuts. It isn't true. I was not in the same marriage my husband was in, and he sure as heck wasn't in the same marriage I was in.

Everyone is experiencing different things on the other side of the marriage, so how can people say this????

Different resents are built, things are not said. No one is in the same marriage.

Granted one spouse cheated, the other didn't, that can be from a lot of different reasons. But not because your in the same marriage and go through the same things and one has more fortitude than the other.

I believe it is time for spouses to understand that their spouses have gone through their own journey on their side of the fence and we each have our own story and that is ok. I am in A marriage with my husband, it is not the same marriage because he isn't married to himself, he has to put up with me

Everyone is experiencing different things on the other side of the marriage, so how can people say this????

Because it is true. Same vow, same promise, same house - it is assumed in this world we all have individual perspective on those same things, but a promise is universally understood.

Expectations from unique perspectives are also pretty much known.

Two people are disappointed for their own reasons, but only one breaks the vows is where the sentiment is, not the exacting semantics.

I can see having an issue with owning 50 percent of the problems -- sometimes one person causes more than the other, but again, of all the solutions available, only one chose to cheat.

I think nightmare01 noted, two people with problems, one chooses to turn toward their marriage and the other reaches outside of it.

It is a big distinction to me.

ITA tired girl.

But you didn't experience your marriage the way your wife did.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying there is a reason to cheat. That is not how this is being said. I am simply saying that two people are not in the same marriage. They experience things from 2 different perspectives.

so... you enter a room with another person and close the door. You are two beings contained within the same space - two separate individuals perceiving the room through your own perspective. However, there are certain FACTS about the room. It is a certain number of feet wide, long. The ceiling is a certain number of feet from the floor. There are a specific number of windows. There IS a couch. Whether you like it or not, whether it appears to be aqua or teal, there IS, in fact, a couch.

Such is a marriage.

One person sets off an explosion in the room, the other person doesn't.

Just like the why, it ultimately doesn't matter that there were two perspectives within the room. One person damaged the structure, the other one didn't.

Just my perspective

I did not say anything about a persons perspective giving them a right to cheat???

All I said is that people in fact are not in the same marriage, they each come from a different place inside of that marriage. It doesn't give them a right to cheat?

But saying that everyone is in the same marriage is just not accurate.

They experience things from 2 different perspectives.

And I was saying, I think that is automatically a given when people offer this as a comfort to a new BS:

We were both in the same marriage....I didn't cheat.

We already know that each person has a unique perspective, it is not an extra slap against anyone.

Since we know people don't think exactly the same, each has the same choices before, regardless of what is going wrong with the relationship.

And a super important aside: I don't think you're advocating for cheating at ALL T.G. - it is a sentence worth examining, but I think for different reasons.

My point being, if we understand that two perspectives in the same marriage is a given, then it still only one person choosing to cheat.

And again, I think "each own 50 percent of the problems of the marriage" is a far more problematic SI platitude than the one you are bringing up.

All of us share the same vow -- we could run it that way too.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 4:18 PM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

All of us share the same vow

That is far more accurate

I know what you mean! My fucking WW lied, manipulated, and gaslighted me during her A. I had no damn idea she was cheating! I sure as hell wasn't in the same M as that "woman" when she was busy trading pussy for validation.

Bullshit aside, I sorta see your point tg. I think the distinction is if there's an emotional disconnect both partners likely know it. Same thing if sex has become routine, boring, and\or predictable. Hell, I am not some holier than thou BS either. I can understand how someone could choose to cheat if they were in a deadbedroom and had been trying to fix it for years. I'm not saying cheating would be the preferred option; I'm just saying I can understand how a person could come to that decision.

Also, most of the M issues are rationalized out of thin air by the cheater to ease their guilt or to make themselves feel justified in starting or continuing the A. "I didn't think you loved me", "We've grown apart","ILYBINILWY","vanilla sex", "no blowjobs\toys\anal\bondage", etc., etc.

Revenge affairs might be the exception to this. I can understand that line of thought too. Not condoning it, I just understand tit for tat.

If a cheater put some energy into the M instead of the A, maybe some of the M issues would vanish.

Also, any person that keeps their word does have a bit more fortitude than one that does not. That math is pretty simple.

But saying that everyone is in the same marriage is just not accurate.

I think most people, regardless of perspective at least thought they were in a very similar relationship with each other.

It is a great conversation starter, because so many problems start with meaning, understanding and wrongly believing in a shared perspective. It creates that distance that opens the door for things going horribly wrong, one side or the other.

I do understand your original point T.G., but if we pull on that thread a bit, it leads to some fascinating potential for comprehending relationship expectations.

Fidelity is only one of several marriage vows. I don't know a single person who hasn't broken one if not all of those vows. And if there is such a person, I'd like to shake their hand.

I know we are definitely not in the same marriage. The views and feelings about it couldn't be more polar opposite.

Isn't this just another way of saying that the marriage had nothing to do with the choice of cheating?

what part of a vow that says forsaking all others wasn't "the same" for both parties?

just my two cents for those waywards that like to blame the marital dynamic

I agree it's the turning away response that irks the betrayed

I cannot seem to fathom "shopping" when there has been a declaration to the world that said they were done shopping and made a covenant until death did it's part... I don't remember speaking that I was cool with the relationship until the going got rough and then I can run for the hills

Of course our perspectives are different, that wasn't the implied "same marriage".

The point made about "same marriage" as I see it is to say "Your shit stinks and I didn't walk away and escape into some delusional fantasy." The faithful partner gave their spouse grace because we trusted that they were doing the same for us. Come to find out no = there's a shit-ton of unspoken resentment built up and spat out passive aggressively since we at some point hurt their feelings or didn't properly mind read or did something thoughtless, uncaring, hurtful etc.

I actually thought through things and rationalized "yeah my family matters to me so why am I going to complain about a phase of no sex when we are in the middle of raising 3 kids 5 and under." I actually believed his bullshit ED story (now known as a guilty conscience) and worried about his blood pressure and health to the point of encouraging him to see a doctor and of course not pressure him yadda yadda

so happy to now feel like a stupid fool for assuming loyalty in a marriage

That betrayal of our loyalty and trust is the basis for the disgust towards a cheater that tries to blameshift over to marital problems and paint the spouse as the bad guy. I would have loved to have a conversation about just our poor communication dynamic and worked through IMAGO, NVC etc. WITHOUT the PTSD thanks to infidelity.

[This message edited by Merida at 4:30 PM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

In some sense I agree... but I also disagree too.

WW and I were both unhappy in our marriage. No way to gauge levels of unhappiness, should I believe she was more unhappy than I was? I was pretty darned unhappy. BUT I wanted our marriage, so because of my unhappiness I tried to work on our marriage. Increased the time we were together by working from home. Date nights. Even planned a European vacation for just the two of us (SIL promised to look after the kids).

WW asked advice about improving our marriage from OM (a known cheater), kept pushing away any effort I made, and cancelled her vacation ticket then used the refund to buy tickets to go see OM.

I agree that our perceptions of the marriage was different... we're different people afterall. But her choice to cheat rather than work with me on our marriage.. why did she do that?

I am guilty of saying this, but from the perspective that the two people don't go into the marriage with the same set of values and commitment.

I don't think my wife was capable of loving me the same way I loved her. To her, marriage was not much different from dating. There was not a sense of fidelity that superseded everything else. That part was apparently just optional somewhere in the fine print of her mind.

My husband and I were in the same marriage. I was married to him, he was married to me. We lived in the same house, raised the same kids (well, I raised the kids but he showed up now and then), worked with the same extended family. We paid the same bills, went on the same vacations, participated in the same fights. It was our marriage. Not mine, not his. Ours. And not our marriages. Just the singular marriage.

To me this is like saying a group of employees all work in the same place. Sure, each employee has his perspective. But it's the same workplace. So, if one employee steals from the cash register, another one can say, "We all worked in the same place, but I didn't steal from the cash register."

I don't think arguing whether the couple is in the same marriage is a way to excuse infidelity, for what it's worth. And if one believes two people can't be in the same marriage, then I accept that perspective. My definition of "same" and "marriage" just doesn't agree with that perspective. Semantics and all that.

But if my husband and I were in different marriages, he thought his was good. I thought mine was soul sucking. So, you know, either way . . .

I know we are definitely not in the same marriage. The views and feelings about it couldn't be more polar opposite.

Same.

what part of a vow that says forsaking all others wasn't "the same" for both parties

the vows themselves aren't the focus - it's the experience that each person has in the marriage. One person may see/feel the marriage as perfectly fine but the other person sees/feels the exact opposite. If you put them in a room and ask them to share their perspectives and experiences in their marriage, you would get 2 different responses. Nobody is saying this justifies cheating.

I agree that our perceptions of the marriage was different... we're different people after all. But her choice to cheat rather than work with me on our marriage.. why did she do that?

have you asked her?

I hear you, TG. But I also see it as a bit of semantic juggling. I made the SAME vows, experienced the SAME disconnect, went through the SAME hardships. I chose to work on my marriage, he chose to chase endorphins in all the wrong places. My perception was that we had great potential but needed to pull together, his perception was that i was a conniving bitch who was manipulating him.

I feel the same way about the phrase "it had nothing to do with you." Wait. I was the one lied to, emotionally and verbal abused and who had no choice about what he brought to my bed because he was cheating. To say it was not about me relegates me to being a non entity.

Yet, it is true that nothing i did or didn't do contributed to his decisions.

You're right there are two perspectives in a marriage which is fine however, when you take that vow everyone understands the same thing . To be in a committed relationship means just that to be committed to eachother and only eachother you don't break that. Was my marriage in a messed up state ? You better believe it was so much so I was preparing myself for a damn divorce regardless however not one time did I cheat on my husband that was to be understood by both of us which he knew and he single handedly destroyed our marriage in regards to honor and commitment. Is our marriage better?? A little bit honestly I'm so disgusted by him and how he betrayed my trust I don't enjoy being married at all. I most of the time refuse to even acknowledge it .