SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MyName

I hope that you’ve had some good discussions and that she is working on delivering what she promised.

Once she does and the information meets your satisfaction that it’s complete you should consider requiring exposure of the affair to Family and close friends.

I know the initial reaction tends to be to try and hide what has happened from those close to you, especially if you are seriously considering R. But in my opinion that is a hindrance to R, instead of assisting it. Exposure in a sensitive way can be part of a plan that ensures true R, not false R.

Now I’m sure there will be some debate on this from all the wise souls here at SI, and I know there are arguments on both sides, but I tend to feel it’s one of only a few ways that a WS can show their BS they are ALL IN.

Preferably it would be your WW that, if truly remorseful, would want to do this for you. At its simplest it’s announcing to your loved ones, close family and friends, that she realizes that she made a choice (not a mistake, this was not a mistake, it was a choice) that has hurt you, her loved one, greatly. She can also apologize for hurting them as well, as her betrayal is not limited to affecting you.

I know you may want to protect her from the anger some may feel for what she has done, but you can be there with her telling them that you have felt great pain from what she has done, but also feel great remorse from her and are hopeful that you can both work together to make this a stronger marriage in the future (if that is what you want).

You should both sit down with each set of parents, siblings and friends. And yes, you should also discuss this with your children. I know that will be the hardest. But they are old enough to know an age appropriate version of what has happened.

She can say something like “I want you to know that I made a terrible choice that has hurt your dad greatly. I foolishly thought I was in love with someone else and I realize that was not true. I love your dad more than anything and I hope over time he can forgive me for what I have done. I also want to apologize to you, as I know this awful choice and the awful thinking that went along with it has hurt you as well. I’m so sorry. I’ll be working hard to gain forgiveness from each of you”

Then you can chime in and let them know you still love your W (if you still do, don’t lie) and that you hope to get through this hard time together”

There are a few effects of doing this. One of course is for your WW to really see the ramifications of her actions. It’s not to be vindictive. It’s sort of like the “making amends” step in AA. She has hurt everyone involved. She needs to ask for forgiveness for that pain she has inflicted, both for them ... and for her.

Second it makes her accountable to everyone involved, not just you. Going forward she should have to answer to everyone for her actions and they should hold her to it.

Finally, you should not have to deal with this on your own. As I said she betrayed not only you, but your parents and both your siblings and even friends. And especially your kids. They all can provide you with invaluable support during this tough time. They should support her as well if they emotionally can.

I’d recommend that you seriously think about discussing thisstep with her after she has delivered what you have already asked.

Affairs thrive in the dark and die in the light. Exposing her choice to everyone close to you should be something she WANTS to do for you.

I recommend you find the threads of Walloped and OhForANewMe to see how they handled exposure to their family and friends. One opted for R and one for D so that is a balanced view. I’ll PM you the links if I find them. [update: I PM’d the links]

Glad you are taking control and moving forward her out of infidelity, one way or another.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:11 AM, February 1st (Thursday)]

Forgive me if you already answered this, but what is the timing of the late term termination/problem drinking versus the affair?

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:18 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

MyName,

Yes, you absolutely must keep her past actions and decisions in the calculus of your decisions about your future. I said before that moving forward (whatever your decision) you need to come to terms with those actions, decisions, and that she committed them. "Come to terms" means reconcile yourself to the reality that she did them. She is not what you thought she was. Looking past what she did is dangerous because it can easily lead to rug sweeping. Should you rug sweep your healing becomes iffy no matter what your decision is about your future.

You mentioned "deal breaker" in a previous post. A "deal breaker" on SI means that the betrayed is headed to D. The realization can come immediately and the resolve grows over time. Or the realization comes after seeing action after action from a remorseless cheater. Finally it can come even if the cheater is truly remorseful and changes themselves. I'd suggest reframing "deal breaker" because it takes it off the table while you work through this. Accept that it was in fact a deal breaker. She broke the "deal" she had with you. She broke the promise, the vow, the expectation, the commitment that was made. She can't walk back from having broken the deal you had with each other. The question remains: is she worthy of you creating a new deal with her.

You asked about trusting what she says. It is righteous to believe that you can't trust what she says. She deceived you for a long period of time. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of lies to pull off her deceit. And then she lied when confronted. Her words can only have meaning if her actions match up, consistently and over a long period of time. Betrayed partners, who aren't in denial, grow a super sensitive bullsh*t detector. It is a companion to what your gut tells you.

I gave you questions to ask her. And your rightful reaction was how can you tell if her responses are truthful. And based on the above, you can't. Her responses do start to help you form a new composite picture of your WW. Start to bring this new image of her into sharper focus. Her actions will tell you if she is photoshopping herself.

Here are two questions to ask her that don't require a narrative response from her:

1. Have you been in contact with OM?

2. When is the last time you were in contact with OM?

3. Have you committed adultery with anyone else during our M?

Yes/No answers required. And, as before, you can't accept her answers as truthful. Her answers do lock her into a story, just like her timeline does. Now you have "things" (Who, What, Where, When) to evaluate and question her about. You should have lots of questions once you get her timeline. Your questions will go toward the level of detail you feel you need. Your questioning gives you valuable tangible intel abut the adultery. Perhaps more importantly, it gives you information about her. An indication of remorse is to answer questions without any defensiveness. Answer the same questions repeatedly. The title of your post means that you will have questions renting space in your brain 24/7/365. I'd recommend that you set aside a specific time to run through your questions with her. Over time that practice will give you some relief during the day knowing that you can get your questions out on the table at the time you set aside for those discussions.

You can use a polygraph to give you more input to evaluate "facts" about the A. The two heavy hitters are "Have you committed adultery with anyone else?", and "Have you been NC with the OM since the xx/xx/xxx?". Members here have widely varying views on the worth of a polygraph, ranging from worthless to airtight irrefutable results. I consider it a trust building tool. Others will say that is negated by false positives. One member admits to lying on a poly and passing. It has value as test of a cheater's remorse. It has value because the prospect of an imminent poly "jogs" a cheater's memory. A polygraph examination is called a "lie detector". Consider reframing it to be a process that is designed to detect deceit. You have to do that because some results are not black/white, truthful/lying. Some results are gray.

MyName, you are honing in on very essential aspects of moving yourself forward. You have high value in that you have been faithful. She lowered her value because she cheated. Can her actions cause you to see the possibility of developing trust? That is what remains to be seen.

I gotta tell you, it is a whole lot easier for me to simply type "what TimelessLoss says" instead of my own, drawn out response.

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:21 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:23 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

... I got an anonymous email from someone claiming my wife was a cheater and a criminal.

MyName- I may have missed it, if so forgive me, but can you elaborate on the criminal activity?! Am I the only one who got stuck on that and scanned for pages trying to figure out what in the world that was in reference to???

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is legit the worst experience, but you'll get through it a better person. That is for sure.

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:21 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

^ Ahh, ok. Thanks for clearing that up. Sounds like schizophrenia or something. I have an old high school friend who is showing signs and she's always convinced there are these elaborate weird plans against her. It's hard to watch.

But wow, what a cosmic offering that this troubled (crazy?) person came to you with the information of the actual affair? It might seem like a giant shit sandwich right now (and for sure it is), but I'm truly of the opinion that all this stuff happens for a reason. I've been in heaps of deep emotional pain for a year and a half since dday. But my friend asked me the other day "if you could go back to your old self and position before all this happened, would you?" My answer shockingly was no. I wouldn't go back. Despite the constant agonizing turmoil, I have done so much personal growth, I would not want to go back to the old me. It's so hard to explain.

Whatever your path, YOU will grow from this.

I'm sorry for your pain.

I was thinking, perhaps you should ask your wife to make a final post to the forum that you mentioned, outlining this story of betrayal. It may serve as a cautionary tale for the other potential cheaters on the site.

Hi MyName

Well I see you told your wife about this site and she is now posting in Wayward Side.

People have different thoughts about that, many will say that you have lost this as a safe place to post your own ideas.

Others have made this work for them as a couple and come to an agreement that they won’t read each other’s threads. That’s probably hard to do but some have made it work.

Others have failed miserably, cross posting on each other’s threads, arguing and some to the extent that one or the other has gotten banned from the site.

At this point it “is what it is” and you probably need to set ground rules with her about reading each other’s posts.

I have previously sent you a PM so if you need any support away from the public eye just PM me or others on your thread and we can respond individually.

Take care.

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:21 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

"My cheater said he/she will answer any question I have"

I really hate that statement, that is a bullshit cop out statement.

You really don't know which questions to ask, and you are not thinking straight because you are traumatized from the pain of her affair. You will screw up and not ask all the right questions or you will miss opportunities to ask follow up questions based on her responses.

Tell her I'm not asking questions until you start telling me everything, then I will have questions.

Cheaters don't want to tell their betrayed spouse everything, they would rather you guess at the details by asking questions.

Tell her to write it all down, when they met, how often the talked, how often they had sex, the nature of their discussions and provide you with any saved messages, emails or photos. Tell her to write down everything about the affair like she was writing a novel. All the details, everything.

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:22 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

You need to keep busy. Busy leads to empowerment and empowerment leads you out of the abuse cycle.

Some things you *have* to do (which understandably you don't want to)

1. find a lawyer so you can understand your rights. I'm not suggesting filing for divorce this instant. What you need to do is take the situation under control and one way you get it under control is 100% understanding your entire universe of options.

2. Find yourself an IC.

3. Establish an in-life support network. Parents, friends. Exposure is essential. Sunlight kills infection. There are SO MANY people in your life who will get you through this. You will not get through this alone.

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[This message edited by MyNameIsNobody at 11:22 AM, February 15th (Thursday)]

cognitive dissonance: the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

The problem is that the wife you knew would never cheat on you but the facts show that she did. Your mind is trying to resolve the inconsistencies but can’t.

It’s obvious that your wife wasn’t the person you thought she was. Once you accept that fact it will be easier. The problem is that she looks and acts the same.

Some people deal with this by thinking of their wife as two people. The one they knew before they found out about the affair and the one after they found out.

invasion of the body snatchers (movie): a group of people discover the human race is being replaced one by one, with clones devoid of emotion.

For now you need to take care of yourself. Think of it as being in an airplane when the oxygen masks drop down. They tell you to put yours on first. If you pass out you can’t help anyone.

The marriage you knew is gone forever. You and your wife are now different people. These new people may be able to build a new marriage or not.

It sounds like you and your wife had no other sexual partner until her affair. If that’s the case then you were robbed of something very special. That might make it even harder for you.

I would like to tell you that I think you are handling this pretty well and are well ahead of where most of us were at your stage. I also gather that you understand just how far you and your WW need to go and that all options are still on the table.

I see your WW is here posting as a great thing. I wish my WW had the stones to do it, but alas, she doesn’t and it’s taken her longer than necessary to come to some realizations. I hope she gets the support she needs as well and that any future 2x4’s don’t scare either of you away.

Keep it up Somebody

It is very encouraging that your W is here posting. I'm praying for both of you.