Hi Yoyob
I have just read through your thread with interest and so will share my thoughts and perspective for what it is worth.
Obviously you were hurt or concerned enough to come to SI and post your story, I assume for support and advice. Therefore I respect your feelings as a fellow member and BS. I will do my best to offer you my opinion, though you have had some amazing replies from very wise members already.
Let me start by saying that I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, a victim of your wife's lies and betrayal. What I am unsure of at the moment is what your intentions are regarding your marriage and what kind of support or advice you would like to receive.
You explain that you are very hurt after discovering your wife's betrayal, that I can understand. You say that she had regular threesomes prior to your marriage, I am assuming that you thought that was a thing of the past. However, participating in threesomes is not the 'norm' for most people, especially on a regular basis, so your wife is, I think it is fair to say, quite liberated when it comes to sex and that is fine, her choice. The thing is, that you chose to marry her, despite knowing that she was into casual sex and threesomes etc, which again is fine as long as you went into it with your eyes open and fully informed. The fundamental difference is that now she is a married woman with 2 young children and the two lifestyles are far from compatible. She has lied and cheated for at least a year and it just so happens to be with the head of this huge company. She must be a special women to attract his attention out of over 5k employees. I mean logic says that this influential head of company can have his pick of women who would be only too willing to date him I assume, yet he chooses your wife, who is married with 2 kids. She obviously stands out from the crowd, why do you think that is? what does she have that would cause this man to take such risks, when he could easily choose a less complicated and risky option? That is what you need to ask yourself. I personally do not know that many men who would risk their position as head of what I assume is a multi million pound company, to embark on a year long affair and a threesome to boot, with a marrid woman and mother of 2 small children. Don't get me wrong, I know many successful men who have affairs (sadly) but from my experience they are usually brief affairs and with younger women with no ties. I am not suggesting that it can't happen, it can, but the odds are slim. especially when you throw in the threesome, he sure is taking huge risks.
You say "My biggest concern might actually be how she could justify sleeping with him a second time. The first time I kind of can understand." why and how can you understand that? I am asking as I find that hard to digest. You are ok if she has sex with her boss once, but not twice? Surely once is not acceptable. I think the difficulty most members are having is understanding why you are so conflicting in your condoning or condemning of her actions. I get that your mind must be in turmoil, but you need to ask yourself, what is acceptable to you and what is not.
You go on to say " The other thing I think I'll have a very hard time getting over (I actually don't think I ever can) is how she acted ... Sending a picture in under wear" Forgive me but in the greater scheme of things, I think that would be the least of my worries.
It sounds to me as though you love this woman very much, so much so that you have accepted her rather promiscuous past and still seek to justify her behaviour wherever possible. You say that leaving her is unthinkable and that your only option is reconciliation. Please tell me why leaving her is not an option, you mention, kids, finances, the economy, but hey we all face those issues when we are betrayed. Not one of us thinks, yeah great perfect, I have been cheated on so who cares about the kids or finances? really, do you see where I am coming from. You are making excuses and again that is understandable during the initial shock phase.
I guess it is more about your priorities and boundaries your childrens wellbeing. Trust me if I was in your shoes, the economy would be the last thing on my mind, not allowing her to take the p***, which she is doing and setting my kids a good example would be 1st, 2nd and 3rd on my agenda.
Do you think she was worrying about you, the kids or the economy whilst 2 men were having sex with her? It seems to me that she is very insecure and attention seeking, manipulative. You are enabling her by not standing up to her.
I know you re intent on reconciliation as you stated that, but you need to believe me when I say, she will do this to you again and again, because there have been no consequences for her at all. She is not one bit sorry, only sorry you found out. She will let things settle and then do it again and again and again, because you are being way too soft with her.
I have every respect for the members here who have offered you sound advice, of course some are going to feel frustrated because they have seen what happens. They are offering you the support and advice you asked for, as am I. But until you face up to the fact that what your ex has done is selfish and despicable, that she is not worthy right now of any attempt at reconciliation, I fear you will only get hurt more.
Decide what you want, what you will tolerate and what you will not. Once you get that straight in your own mind and are ready to take positive action, you will find the most wonderful people here who will support you.
I wish you all the best
BD
