SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

With all the reading she's been doing, she ought to realize that what she did to you was nothing that could be simply forgiven and forgotten.

Forget what I said about issue number one for MC. Issue number one is going to be what it would take for you to consider remaining married.

Truth

Explanation of why which remains a mystery

Sincere apology for half truths and lies

Assurance that behavior won't be repeated

Whatever else you can think of

Good luck at MC. Let us know how it goes

Does she even know what "marriage" is or really means? Does she understand that it isn't something to check off on life list of accomplishments then go brag to your former college friends about to compare status.

IUH

Sounds as if you have had enough, I just would not waste time on the "why". If you do not stay with her it does not matter.

I would make her go through the timeline from the minute she laid eyes on the OM to see if the MC can flush out the truth.

You obviously put up with a lot that we do not know about.

We were all talking about NC and she was calling him for your house every night when you went to bed, knowing you were monitoring the phone bill.

ALL of the remorse has come since it ended. Nothing before.

How could you be expected to feel the same way.

You"ll find out the truth after the D is final. If she really wants to be with you she can still keep trying.

People do R after D. I did it two years later. But my wife begged and did everything possible during that time.

You have endured a lot but have maintained your composure .

A lot of people would have fallen apart.

Just make sure you believe that you know the truth.

ALL of the remorse has come since it ended. Nothing before.

Completely normal and nothing unusual for an affair.

IUH, it seems your wife is doing everything a fWW is supposed to do, unless you sense it is false.

This is your decision and some people just cannot get over being lied to. I think most BH never fully get over the lies and the deceit, they just learn to trust again. And that is dependent on how the fww acts.

issue, craig2001, is how is he to know that this vacillating WW means it now, instead of when she told OM that she wasn't sure and needed time. That was many weeks post discovery of the A and planned trip to meet up with him. And then come weeks of indifference and more vacillation by her even with claimed NC except for one reply to him where she told him it was over, don't contact me.

Faced with divorce deadline, she starts reading books about A's and recovery, and IUH who has been more than patient is supposed to have trust in her all of a sudden? I don't think he knows what caused this sudden claimed change of heart. I hope that is issue number one for MC. Without trust, why be married?

And there is the issue raised by Badhurt: how does any woman over the age of 15 fall hopelessly in love knowing someone only a week to the point of wanting an affair with him and planning to leave her fairly long term marriage? That should be issue number 2.

Yes, she's finally with the program after reading up on what to say and so. If I were IUH I would be wary of this professed change of heart. It is an odd situation to be sure.

how does any woman over the age of 15 fall hopelessly in love knowing someone only a week to the point of wanting an affair with him and planning to leave her fairly long term marriage?

This kind of affair fog thinking is all over this board.

I don't believe she was really thinking about leaving the marriage. All fog crap.

I still wonder why IUH totally believes she is telling the entire truth and is still wanting a divorce. If someone believes their WS has been totally honest, that is more than most BS get, totally honesty.

There are still more questions and answers as to what in the world she was thinking. But the why might never be known.

She might not even know and that is where IC is supposed to help...a decent therapist.

It is hard for any of us to know the entire situation since so much of this is based on gut feelings of the BS and those gut feelings come from knowing their spouses so well.

IUH,,still on for MC today? Let us know the short version of what happened if you go. Reading assorted other threads here, MC quality depends on the C. There does not appear to be any standard practice in the field, which seems odd to me.

Read your initial posts to,refresh your recollection of the events of last spring. You stated them pretty succinctly then and it wouldn't hurt to use those words again as your beginning "timeline" ..

IUH

Hope you are ok . Where do you stand now? Did you learn anything at MC?

MC said something similar to a timeline of not just the A, but also the events or feelings that led to the possibility of the A. The timeline if the A she have was the same as before (nothing new). She does seem like she's willing to do a lot to give the M a shot (says the MC). We have another session Friday, where I'm suppose to tell her if I think we can make it work.

IUH

if i remembered right, she told you she felt "trapped". and that she was not sure she still loved you same way.

The timeline before affair. I'd be asking

(1) Did her and her girlfriend PLAN on hooking up before they went. I think so.

(2) Did they just conveniently stumble on two guys who lived within driving distance of you, or was your wife on some dating sites BEFORE the trip. Women who feel trapped have an easy time online meeting men.

problem is you are now getting into all the "why's", and not her behavior AFTER you caught her which inflicted an enormous amount of pain. Constant lying about NC, things you heard on VAR, etc.

your MC believes the story about no actual intercourse and all this in two days unplanned.

the big question here is not what the MC thinks is possible. Anything is possible if you bury enough of the hurt. the real question here is do you believe you can trust her again, and do you believe she would have stopped all this had the Om been more available and a better "catch"

you are the one that has to take the chance, not the MC. Their job is to keep you talking and paying. You have some deep soul searching to do, and i hope you are still listening to that VAR.

IUH, what I am seeing with you is the same thing I saw within myself - when the trust is gone, it's gone. My XH travels a lot with his job and what started out as a one-night hotel bar meet up with a Canadian woman (not disrespecting Canadians - just mentioning so you will know international affairs are just as easy as if the OP lives down the block) ...

I lost all trust and did not want to live out my life wondering what he was doing when traveling or when I had to travel for my job. It just wasn't worth it.

Good luck. There IS life after divorce.

IUH,

How are you doing??

Have you accomplished anything either way????

I told my lawyer on Friday that i wanted to stop the divorce procedure, because it was getting close to the end and I have had a lot of good days with my wife the last two weeks. It's hard, because I don't know if this is getting better or if I'm just hoping it too much. We will see how she acts after the D has been stopped for now.

Good luck. It really sounded like she understood what she had done. I hope she continues her work, and then you guys can do some hard work yourselves and rescue this marriage.

Congratulations I guess.

Hope you have learned from this horrible experience. Also hope you do not slip back into blind trust any time soon .

Guessing you are too smart for that .

Just curious, did she ever change her contact information ??

Just remember, you can start the process up again if you need to. I hope she commits to R and works hard for you.

Good luck. I hope you get an explanation of why she was considering leaving her marriage for someone she barely knew. But it sounds like she is remorseful.

I may be alone here, but I thought you handled this very well - the 180 seemed to have snapped her out of the fog. Hopefully it lasts.

IUH, all you can do now is give it the time that you are willing to give, be guarded and continue to watch her actions, and keep that finger on the D trigger if it turns into false R. I hope this turns out better for you both. If it doesn't you know we are all here. Best of luck.