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Now you are in the right place of mind, this will attract her even more. Not that this is what you want, but observe the difference of pandering and sureness of oneself.

The two hardest things to do for a BS are:

1. Get your WS respect back

2. Get your self-respect back

Once you get both: the power completely shifts. Instead of WS making the decisions, you make them.

It looks like you have accomplished both.

I am sure we have no idea all the shit she threw you way, and it would still be coming if her boyfriend was more available and a better catch. On just what you have shared , I would be amazed if you felt the same or could trust her with your emotions for a long long time.

Even now it is not that long ago she was planning to leave you .

Too much coincidence with POS giving her demand to get rid of you now.

The best part here is you know you can survive without her.

Right now she is scared because she has no boyfriend on the hook

Three weeks ago she did not really love you.

The disrespect of the things she did even while trying to R with you are terrible, and you heard a lot of it with your own ears on the VAR.

Like I said we don't know a little of all the details of what you went through.

And I personally believe there are still things you do not know

I hope she realizes that you don't owe her an attempt at reconciliation. You have a long life in front of you and deserve peace and happiness. Only you can know if that's obtainable with her, given the hell she put you through.

At least she seems to understand that she has to work her ass off to show you that things can be better. A few weeks ago she was ambivalent.

Whatever happens you are a success story here.

IUH,

I've been following your story since the beginning, and have been rooting for YOU, and al that entails....

The good news is the storm is over and fog is lifting. You both are now looking at the damage caused by the storm. Her emotions have gone from the peak of leaving you to regret. Your emotions have also followed a peak and now have subsided.

Now is where the REAL WORK begins. For her and for you.

It is evaluation time. It is time for real dialogue, not heated rampages. It is time for you to evaluate her and your marriage, and her to do the same.

Any rash decision is probably poor at this point. Instead, examine her actions, and reasons. She needs IC as she obviously has a penchant for the greener grass. She ate the ego kibbles and found a taste for them. Her examination of that, and YOUR examination of that are paramount.

This is not rug sweeping time, rather soul searching time. R can be achieved, but so can D. It is up to her to work. And you to decide.

I'm glad you're at this place, regardless of how it happened. With the hysteria of the situation fading, now is WORK time to decide what YOU want. Demand she work. Make her talk, even if she departs it over and over. She owes you everything, and needs to know that. Don't berate her, but be firm and in control. Through this, you will know your answer.

Good luck IUH, I'm rooting for YOU and whatever decision YOU come to.

The big thing now is that after everything that has happened, I'm not sure anymore if I still want to be married to her.

This is EXACTLY where you need to be right now. Like my fellow posters have said, you are at the proper mindset to look back into your marraige and see if it really was a healthy relationship or not. It wouldn't be a bad idea to do a pro and cons list, and if you do be fair about it.

I can tell you right now that starting over can be a hell of a lot easier than trying to R, especially if WS doesn't understand what they did wrong. She really has to work her ass off to earn just the consideration of R from you because what you have to compare to her efforts is starting over with someone new who won't disrespect and betray you like she did. For the time being, understand why you wanted to marry her in the first place. Why did you choose her? If you do decide to move on, you don't want to make the same mistake choosing someone like her. Fix your "picker" while you can because in doing so you will establish a new standard of a partner that your WW needs to meet for a second shot.

I'm willing to bet that at the very least you are a much wiser person pertaining to healthy relationships through this experience. I know I am through mine. My XW didn't lift a finger to try and sort her shit out during false R and waisted MC sessions. She didn't even apologize once to me for what she did. She is still in denial. All the more easier for me to move on. I now have someone new and she is the beneficiary of the new me and all the tools and knowledge I've attained for a better relationship.

Either path you choose, it WILL get better for you for as long as you keep moving and maintain the will to demand better of yourself and from others.

IUH

The list thing that jduff suggested might be helpful. But if you do a list, I would try not to factor in anything involving what your marriage WAS. She changed all of that immensely.

Your lists need to be how you think you will feel moving forward knowing what she did and is capable of doing again. I think you know you do not look at her the same as before, and how could you. She did not go willingly to where she is right now. I think you are going to decide "too little, too late".

There is a saying to trust you gut. I'd be careful. Your gut was wrong and you were clueless or you never would have agreed to that trip. And if it had not been for the VAR, who knows where you would be right now, probably still in devastation mode.

Just be careful not to fantasize about the way it used to be. it aint that way anymore no matter what you decide.

IUH

Any decisions????

I told her that I would go to MC with her. Probably sometime this week

Hi IUH,

Has she read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald yet?

To me, that is the most important book for a WS to read.

Also, this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

I think you need to see that she is willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal.

Take a look at he advice you got here last time the MC issue was raised. Why did she want to have an A/ambivalent about marriage after meeting OM are current issues. And maybe now why you are ambivalent. PreA issues may fit a chronology nicely, but they aren't exactly five alarm fires right now.

Only if you decide to remain married are preA issues important enough to spend money on MC. Who cares if you left the toilet seat up or spent too much time at work if M is over.

I sure Badhurt will be more concise, but free association rosarch blot types of counseling takes many sessions. I don't know if you have the time remaining or not.

Friend, I wouldn't "wait" and see what is going to happen. That's like knowing you are going to go out and drink until you can't drive but still attempt to. Nothing good can come of this. If she is truly your love of your life confront her now before she makes a decision that radically changes both of your lives for the worst.

I agree with the others, take a firm stand with what you will and will not accept. Do it now before she is supposed to leave.

We have all been there, wanted to be nice, didn't want to rock the boat, wanted our spouses to make the decision on their own without influence from us but unfortunately they are caught up in the fantasy. This is exciting and new and I am sure everyone of them have said that what they are doing will not affect their marriage or feelings for their spouse. But the longer it continues, they get caught up more and more and pretty soon it starts affecting their feelings for the marriage, for you.

Do not let it get to that point. She needs to decide what is important. She needs to be told the consequences of her actions/choices and you need to stick by those consequences.

Unfortunately, consequences are all they understand!

Also, please tell the other betrayed spouse what is going on. He deserves to know and her friend is not a friend of yours or your marriage.

HUGS and giving you strength!

Now, I'm not sure even if she never does anything like this again, if I want to be with her.

That is something you and only you can decide.

You believe your wife has been completely honest with you now and is doing everything right. So the only thing left is how you feel about it all.

MC could work, but only if it stays on topic and doesn't stray too far off point.

Isn't the divorce about to be final?

[This message edited by craig2001 at 1:18 PM, August 4th (Monday)]

IUH

I know that you know there is no way MC is going to work any miracles before the date of your divorce becomes final. I know or hope you know if you go down this path it could take years.

So I am guessing you are trying to find out if she can say anything that might give you some hope you could trust her again. And by the way, if you are doing that already it is a big mistake. This forum is littered with additional D Days of people in therapy. Hoping the VAR is still in place, and although you told her you accepted last reason for breaking NC, talking to him, and not telling you, I also hope you are not thinking he will give up that easily and will not attempt to send out feelers if there is any way for him to reach her.

If you do go to MC, I hope you ask the therapist how a few hugs and kisses, no sexual intercourse, and a few dirty pictures could motivate someone to do what she did to you, and to have a man in his thirties asking her to leave her husband over that same activity. If that is true, and I still do not believe it, then i have heard everything. But all that is important is that you believe it.

If you go forward with her, I would disregard the advice a lot of us give to trust your gut. You suspected nothing, she had you totally fooled, and you were saved from an ongoing physical affair that she might just have left you for by a simple phone bill charge initially, and a VAR installation as it progressed that caught her lies.

If you stay, you have a long road ahead my friend.

Make sure she is worth it.

Yep. Just be strong and remember why you are really there. It will be interesting to learn if she thinks her A is an issue. Listen to what she says. MC may not want to delve into that immediately, but A and aftermath is the issue of the day. Don't expect miracles at your first meeting. There may be no miracles at all.

MC or no, you have a decision to make and the power to make it.

Best wishes to you. Let us know what happened there.

Hope you are still listening to the VAR. Last time you were headed to MC she was one the phone to her boyfriend asking for more time.

Now that it looks like she may be getting that time I d be real alert if au were you and aid be checking the phone records also.

Just my opinion. I do not think she is as cured as some do. I hope you prep MC how important it is for MC to not allow her to be less than truthful whether it hurts it not.

Do not let the therapy turn into a grieving session for her. You were the one who got fucked over

IUH have you been to MC yet? If, how did it go? Any value yet? Any new information?

Has she finally been snapped out of her fog and been able to say she love loves you? Or is she still questioning that, but wants the security of the M even if it isn't true love for her? Before you say R, you need to know the answer to this basic question. If she isn't sure at this time, keep going for the D. (you can always remarry later).

MC is scheduled for next Wednesday. Who knows how it will go. My guess it won't change anything. I put the house up for sale and told her I wanted to get everything ready to seperate once the D is final. She's fighting everything really hard and really seems like she doesn't want to D. She is showing a lot or remorse, but I told her that my feelings are basically turned off, so it will take a very long time before I can love her the same way.

We will see how this weekend goes I guess