SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sometimes, our dreams and our self preservation are at odds with one another.

You have to allow the self preservation to control so you can be whole enough to dream another day!

I had a really super bad day yesterday

Was this as a result of new information or the dreaded ‘Rollercoaster’?

She doesn't want the divorce. I do because she still in love with him.

Has she said that she is still in love with POSOM or are you presuming this? If she says she is still in love with him, you cannot fight this

She wanted more time to decide

She has had plenty of time to come out of the 'fog' and think rationally, if she does not know for herself by now, then it up to you to safeguard your own and the kids future and press on with D

You know, the thing is that I want to waver. I'd love nothing more than to get my loving wife back. It won't happen. What I would get back now, or anytime in the near future, is someone that is just scared of their own future. I'd get someone that would be using me as a safety net, a fallback plan.

Without her coming to her senses and showing true remorse, there should be no incentive on your part to even consider wavering, let alone embarking on that very real risky future with a known wayward

ICO, I am one for fixing that which is broken, but I am coming to the conclusion that your wife really does not want (At this time) a relationship with you

Any update regarding OBS?

She doesn't want a relationship right now. I'm ok with that. I want to move on.

There's probably more hesitancy in what I am saying for the kids' sake.

The OBS is doing her thing. We talked for a while but it was making it harder for my STBXW and I to even get along at a civil level.

I know my path. The OBS is trying to figure out hers. To his credit the OM seems to be trying at his marriage. Better than my WW.

I have her some helpful information but they've got a lot of therapy to go through. He was seeing someone, she was seeing someone and I recommended no MC for now.

Pretty sure my STBXW is a complete lost cause. Moving on...

ICO

I don't think your wife is a lost cause.

I just think she is lost.

And while I understand her wanting you to wait around for her I do agree with you wanting to get out of limbo, away from remorseless WW that is really messed up.

You have chosen yourself to be Plan A.

So let me ask you a "what if" question?

Post Divorce:

If your wife deals with her issues. Gets her head completely out of her @ss, changes jobs and asks if you would be willing to try it again would you?

Or

Do you realize in this short time that you have lost all love for her, can truly never forgive her for the damage she has heaved on your marriage and family,feel the need to walk away from her forever.....

Just curious as to what is going on inside your head.

You have come so far in such a short time and that can be good but also make you feel regrets later on.

HM

[This message edited by nononsense at 7:53 AM, August 15th (Saturday)]

Post Divorce:

Anything could happen but I really feel once we are away from one another physically that's it. We will try to be in good co-parent zone.

I'd have to think long and hard if I'd ever want to be with someone who could do that. I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater but the number of lies was just staggering.

She fooled me for a year. I had suspicions but it was so far out of bounds for what I thought my wife could do that I didn't really fathom it was possible until around April.

Forgiveness is already here. I do struggle from time to time. Overal I'm pretty well over the affair. It's he aftermath that mucks it up. The more lies I find out about and the more I see her for who she was during that time just means the more I want to get away from her.

I have no idea what the future will bring but I am pretty sure it won't be with her as a lover ever again.

How have you been feeling physically and emotionally in the last few days?

What's your plan on telling the kids and handling the fallout re: the kids?

Best wishes

Other than one day I've felt alright. I'm probably carrying around a bit of anger but overall I'm trying to keep myself upbeat.

The plan is to tell the 5 year old a couple weeks before. The 2 year old won't comprehend this.

I think the first couple days in the new house, she'll get the kids to help with the transition.

We are going to try and be pretty strict at the beginning as to not confuse the kids. Maybe once we get some more time behind us we can relax on some of the housing stuff for the kids. They are just so young it is going to be tough.

I really do admire how you've handled this. The transition has been amazing.

It's pretty interesting to reflect on the few posts which go 20+ pages. I think they have two important components:

1. Someone who puts themselves out there. If you are honest to us you'll eventually be honest with yourself.

2. Someone whose path is pretty clear from the outset. It's obvious now, but it's not like after your first three posts you can be like "You are the type of person who will never accept living with someone who did this to him". One, we don't have all of the information and two, you need to discover that for yourself. The hardest 2x4s here are reserved for people whose greatest enemies are themselves. My greatest enemy has always been myself, so it's not like we're throwing stones from a glass houses.

If there was a secret forum where there were polls for each new JFO thread I'd bet that there would be a 90% consensus on nearly every thread that went more than 20 posts.

I also don't have the severe baggage here as most, so maybe have a more antiseptic view than the majority.

Anyhow, back to ICO. Easily the best case of someone who knew he had to be honest with himself, fought himself tooth and nail for a few weeks, but won that battle with a knockout blow in the early rounds. Amazing. I really hope that you stick around to help others.

So the STBXW is ticked off at me today because I sent an email to her best friend about her being really down last night. I asked her friend to call her and check on her since well she can't tell me everything.

I talked with her last night after I sent that email. She seemed better but still very sad. I don't know why I talk with her. She's been my best friend for 17 years, it's tough to break. It's tough to tell myself that the person I am looking at is no longer my friend.

So today she tells me that she wonders if I am playing a game and trying to get her setup as mentally unstable. No where in my thoughts have I even come close to thinking that yet the suspicion is there.

This kind of stuff just makes me sad. She can still pull my mood down and in an instant. That's tough to reverse.

I went to my brother's house and watch a repeat football game for about 40 minutes. It was nice to get out of hostile territory for a bit.

The 180 Plan is to protect you from this very thing. It's all about the emotional detachment.

It's very, very hard and I understand why it is difficult. Logically though, it is easier to begin the emotional detachment than 5 minutes after she moves out.

It's also very fair to her. You reaching out to others for her benefit is not your role anymore, extreme examples aside of course (suicide, danger to children, etc)

Eric

Point taken. I guess I need to get used to that. It is tough!

[This message edited by ICanOvercome at 5:43 AM, August 16th (Sunday)]

Yes ICO,

This the right way to look at her

She is loser

To act like her way , she must be very damaged person , while OM is trying to fix his marriage , she is throwing away her own marriage !!!!!

Please dear stay strong for own two daughters , I know how difficult children are in this age , but u are their only rock & they will appreciate the great father they have as they grow up :)

[This message edited by Rain1177 at 7:40 AM, August 16th (Sunday)]

Well to be clear, she is leaving the marriage because she is in love with someone else. Now she is getting cold feet because she is losing her safety blanket.

When her boyfriend truly goes NC on her (or something else significant changes) is when he world is going to shatter and she'll conveniently be interested in staying married again. That'll be a real fun few days for ICO /sarcasm

[This message edited by eric1 at 7:34 AM, August 16th (Sunday)]

How are you feeling today ICO

I was about to respond to your earlier post but the above question will be more relevant now

Thanks for the reply, ICO. I strongly encourage you to get your 5y/o in therapy at least for a little while to help deal with the confusion etc.

Best wishes

ICO

When your wife comes up to you questioning if you are trying to set her up you have to shut her down right there.

I have seen documented a number of different methods but the one most effective that I have seen a few friends use while winding down their marriages is this:

You take your wife by the shoulders and you stand her in front of the mirror.

She needs to look at herself the entire time.

You make a few valid points and at the end you aks her if she understands what you have said to her.

Here you go:

A. I am divorcing you because you have lied to me for over a year.

B. I am divorcing you because you broke your vows that we made to each other.

C. I am divorcing you because you allowed yourself to have sex with another person outside of our marriage.

D. I am divorcing you because you allowed yourself to fall in love with another man.

I am not divorcing you because you are a bad mother. Nor am I setting you up. Our children need both of us to ensure they have a good, solid, loving upbringing.

Do not disappoint me when it comes to our children.

Then you ask her if she understands what you have said to her.

It might take you a few times to get this through her head.

Get her to focus on what is important to you and should be important to her.

It sucks that you have to do this but frankly I am not surprised she said this to you.

After all. She is a known liar and cheater. She has wreaked havoc and disarray on her own marriage and family.

So make the effort to straighten her out when it comes to the kids or the divorce.

She truly needs to hear it from you.

Because while you can no longer trust her. You can also remind her you are the one person she can trust.

You have never screwed her over.

You are just getting out of infidelity my friend.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 8:58 AM, August 16th (Sunday)]

So today she tells me that she wonders if I am playing a game and trying to get her setup as mentally unstable. No where in my thoughts have I even come close to thinking that yet the suspicion is there.

In my experience, the reason she thought this was because this was the play she was planning to run on you later in her A as the opportunity arose. She's probably run through hundreds of scenarios on how to deal with you and making you out to be unstable was one if them. I would take this as a sign to keep the VAR in your pocket anytime you are near her.

Hey buddy. We're thinking of you, hope the weekend went well.