Newest Member: Chickenhawk

Just Found Out :
Before You Say Reconcile...

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 Fighting2Survive (original poster member #28410) posted at 8:33 PM on Monday, July 2nd, 2012

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5909221
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lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 1:45 PM on Wednesday, July 4th, 2012

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5911578
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 6:05 PM on Friday, July 6th, 2012

thank you!

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5367   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 5914584
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SuspiciousWife ( member #18108) posted at 5:54 PM on Tuesday, July 10th, 2012

Bumping

Me - BW, 44
Him - FWH, 44
OW - former co-worker
3 great kids
DDay - April 25, 2008 - mostly EA with one make-out session

posts: 557   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2008   ·   location: East Coast
id 5919700
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 12:59 AM on Thursday, July 12th, 2012

Bumping so this doesn't fall off the front page.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4978   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 5921967
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lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, July 16th, 2012

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5929563
concerned

ariadne98 ( new member #36154) posted at 2:37 AM on Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

Wow, this speaks volumes. Thank you for posting. Now I am sure where he is at, although innately I already knew.

My worry is that he won't move past this- which will be hard to take even if this ends.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2012   ·   location: FL
id 5929786
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pmal64 ( member #13551) posted at 4:30 AM on Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

.:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:..:~*~:.
BS-me-55
WH -60
"when they show you who they are, believe them"

posts: 588   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2007   ·   location: down south
id 5931415
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 4:16 AM on Friday, July 20th, 2012

This needs to stay on the front page!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4978   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 5934508
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 5:17 AM on Saturday, July 21st, 2012

Bump

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 5936026
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LILTOwner ( new member #36194) posted at 2:14 PM on Saturday, July 21st, 2012

Question regarding your list- sharing of passwords etc.

My wife's passwords have been very simple ones so after 25 years I know them to her phone log in, Facebook, etc. When I found out about the ONS, I became extremely focused on digging into her past. Read all textmessages, logged into her FB daily, tracked tracked her phone, checked her phone records online, etc.

Counselor encouraged me to back off for now- not go there. Yet I found myself hacking into her life everyday. Finally, this morning I asked her to change the passwords so that i could regain my sanity. Did I screw up? Should I ask her to share that info with me? Maybe wait until I'm not so much of an emotional/mental wreck?

Thoughts?

D-Day- 7/16/12
Wife WS- 43
Me- 42
Two kids- 25/21 living out of the house
POS OM- 28 OUCH!!!!!!!!!

Counseling Sessions- 1 joint, 1 individual sessions for both

Progress must be felt and seen by October or BYE BYE!

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2012   ·   location: Long Island, NY
id 5936221
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 5:13 PM on Saturday, July 21st, 2012

Hey LILTOwner.

Don't ever look at it like you screwed up - this is a work in progress and we learn as we go.

It IS probably a good idea to dial the investigating back at a point, but I've also observed that it's a natural part of the process, and that you will slow your roll in time.

It's a good trust building exercise for both you and WW that you have complete access to her correspondences. For that matter, I think that both spouses should allow access to all email, social networking, etc. This is a sensitive topic and there are some who may disagree with me, but in the end aren't we all trying to build healthier marriages, and should therefore practice transparency as well as request it? Perhaps this is more applicable to the relationship in R. It's your choice for sure.

Bottom line recommendation? Tell her that you would like to look at having access to her accounts as a gesture from her that she has nothing to hide, and you will in turn work on dialing back the investigations each day to preserve your sanity. (Perhaps pick 2 specific times a day to do it, for example.) The compulsion to do it will subside. At almost 2 years out, I still "verify" from time to time, but not so much that it makes me crazy. And I appreciate the heck out of FWH for being an open book.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:14 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 5936396
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 1:12 AM on Monday, July 23rd, 2012

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 5937885
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Bubbleup ( member #36120) posted at 2:46 AM on Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

Thanks. Poster thoughts a very validating for me.

Me: BS 50
Her: WS 45 NC since 10/29/12
D-Day 1 4-20-2012 D-Day 2 9-7-13
Kids 2: 11yrs, 6yrs
Married 19 years, Together 25 years
EAs became PAs. On the fence.

posts: 95   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2012   ·   location: NY
id 5939685
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aesir ( member #17210) posted at 11:55 PM on Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

BadumpBump.

Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.

posts: 14924   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2007   ·   location: Winnipeg
id 5941317
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 6:09 PM on Thursday, July 26th, 2012

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 5944303
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 5:16 PM on Monday, July 30th, 2012

bump

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 5949241
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 Fighting2Survive (original poster member #28410) posted at 9:18 PM on Tuesday, July 31st, 2012

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

posts: 7279   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2010   ·   location: NC
id 5951042
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lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, August 11th, 2012

Bump

BS- Me (45)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

posts: 2104   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2010
id 5967036
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 9:02 PM on Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 5973989
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