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Divorce/Separation :
We’re done

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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 6:11 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

I feel like I’m going to break. It’s just too much hurt.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8543295
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Hedwig ( Member #74175) posted at 10:24 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

I am so sorry you're going through this, FwS. We are here for you if you want to vent.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8543358
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 10:41 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

How can I feel so angry and hate him so much but at the same time just want to hold him and cry and let him comfort me and comfort him and pretend that everything is fine?

I feel weak when I feel like this.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8543362
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 11:07 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

How much contact are you having with him? NC is your friend. No new contacts = N new hurts.

If he's still coming in and out of your home like he lives there, no wonder you're having trouble. Have you put a visitation schedule together? And if he's visiting the home while you're there, are you staying in during his visits? Is there a friend or relative who could be there instead.

The weather is getting nice out, and yeah... we still want to avoid COVID, but finding ways to avoid contact could really benefit you. I think maybe in the back of your mind, you're hoping that somehow he's going to finally "get it". Maybe even that he'll come back. But that hope is just making a painful situation more painful. So, if you have to see him, get your list of "reasons why he sucks" out and recite it a few times. And if you can't leave during his visitation, go take a nap or watch a movie and leave him to manage the kids by himself... all the while reciting your list.

Things WILL get better. Eventually, this COVID thing will be behind us, and you can start rebuilding your life. You're going to fill it with activity and new people and it's going to be wonderful. It just takes plodding on until you get there.

((hugs))

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8543366
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 11:21 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

FS, could you drive to an empty parking lot or other remote place and scream everything you want to say to him? Most people suggest writing a letter to burn but I think letting it all out feels better when you're this tightly wound up.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8543368
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 11:29 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

This week has pretty much been hell for me. Just mindfuck after mindfuck and I feel exhausted and worn down.

I don’t even know what to call him right now! WH? XWH? Anyway, he’s had this week off from work so he’s been around constantly. He had agreed to a schedule for visits but since he was off work he just was over all the time, mostly because starting tomorrow he’s going to be working out of town and won’t be able to see the boys at all. So he wanted to see them a ton before he left.

Most days he comes over and tries to act like nothing has changed. Like tries to make small talk, jokes with me, wants to have dinner together, everything. I did my best to stay separate from him and not engage, but it was so hard and I know I could have done better. Then sometimes he gets angry and mean. Then I stand up for myself. Then he gets super sad and miserable like it might be hitting him everything he’s thrown away. And I feel stupid because it’s still so hard for me to see him in pain. In my head, I know I could never go back to him. It was an affair for so long. And everything about how he’s acted since I’ve found out is not the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. Even if he came back to me in 6 months and says he’s changed, how am I going to go through life married to someone who did that to me and I can no longer trust? He already showed he can lie to me and hide things from me, so he could do it again. I’d never be safe. So I know this in my head, and I’m devastated by it. Knowing there’s no chance for a future for us kills me. And when he starts to see that I’m serious about that he gets so sad looking and I feel bad. How messed up is that?? When just yesterday I saw him texting a new girl! But it’s like he’s so shocked that I’m really done with him and he can’t believe it and I feel bad. It’s hard to explain.

I wish my heart would catch up with my head.

But thank goodness, he left for work about an hour ago. So I won’t have to see him again until Friday. I know that the space is going to be so good for me. I feel like I constantly take two steps forward and then one step back. So I just hope I can get further ahead when I have space so that I can keep my progress when I have to see him over the weekend.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8543372
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 11:30 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

Screaming actually sounds good. Like it would let me get some of this anger out. I do feel so bottled up.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8543373
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 11:46 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

I'm not even sure you're required to share the kids right now. Have you consulted an attorney and drawn up any paperwork? Or is your agreement just between the 2 of you? YOUR health is the most important thing right now and if not seeing him is what it will take to protect your health, then so be it. You owe him nothing and your kids will be fine if they don't see him for a couple of weeks.

As a child of a non-infidelity divorce and then as a child of a marriage resulting from an A (my mom was the OW) had my parents done what is being suggested above it would have made things 1,000,000 times harder for us. When you decide to become a parent you are supposed to be doing what is right for your kids, over yourself, over everything else. Don't let this clusterfuck make things more awkward and more painful for your children, unless you do not think they are safe with your STBX. An amicable agreement is the BEST thing you can do for them - keeping things as "normal" as possible in this totally abnormal time is the biggest act of love you can show.

You weren't a child of divorce during this virus. If she has any concerns about whether he's abiding by the health recommendations, she has every right to get everything in place agreement wise before she sends her children into what could be harm's way. And what could ultimately come home and cause grave damage to her. These are different times and the old rules might have to get bent here and there in order to protect health.

Would you REALLY have been that bad off if you didn't see on of your parents for 2 weeks?

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 11:56 PM on Sunday, May 17th, 2020

And I just saw he reactivated his Facebook. The one I knew nothing about but he had since at least July of last year. And no where am I mentioned. I’m not in any of the pictures. There’s all kinds of pictures of him and the boys and it’s like I don’t exist. I don’t know why but this is destroying me right now. I am sobbing

I think that's what hurts the most, that they cut us out like a cancer and go on their merry way.

You mentioned your heart catching up with your head and the pain of not being able to turn to him for comfort and solace. After all, he was your person for so long and the first one you turn to. There's a meme that goes something like "when the person who you thought would keep you safe is the one holding the gun."

So you've indeed suffered a trauma - your brain literally can't process what happened because it doesn't make any sense on any level. Yet process the trauma it must do. And that's why you just keep plugging forward and give it time. Your brain has never had a task of this magnitude before and it takes awhile to rewire the neural pathways (or some scientific language).

I'm glad he'll be gone for a few days and give you a chance to breathe. Sometimes that's all we want, a chance to breathe.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 2:55 AM on Monday, May 18th, 2020

He had agreed to a schedule for visits but since he was off work he just was over all the time, mostly because starting tomorrow he’s going to be working out of town and won’t be able to see the boys at all. So he wanted to see them a ton before he left.

It no longer matters what HE wants. He is no longer a part of YOUR family. He chose that when he decided to cheat and to make some random OW more important than his wife and his children. What matters now is what YOU want and what's best for your children.

Now, I'll grant you, you're a much nicer person than I am, because if it was me, he wouldn't feel remotely comfortable lounging on my couch or asking me what's for dinner. I'd have told him in no uncertain terms to go fuck himself by now. I'd have set out a parenting schedule and he'd be doing his parenting time outside my home and without my help. And during this pandemic, if he didn't have a safe space to do his visitation, I might allow it in the home while I'm out doing other things, or I might disallow it altogether until he can provide a safe space without exposing my kids to other people.

You seem to be in this gray area before an iron-clad separation is made. But I would urge you to get it done, so you know where your money is coming from and you can set up a routine. Above all though, this business of him getting mad if you assert yourself, getting "angry and mean" is intolerable. If he does that again, look him squarely in the eye and tell him, "Get out. Leave". If he doesn't do exactly that, you pick up the phone and call the cops. Depending on who's name is on the lease, the cops might not make him leave, but the chances are better that they will if you explain that he's cheating on you and has moved out, that you no longer know what he's capable of, and that his shouting is making you feel afraid. I doubt very seriously that he'll pull that shit on you again.

HE is no longer the head of your household. YOU are. He can't just come around and treat you like some kind of PEZ dispenser for ego-kibbles. It keeps you in limbo. You're the boss now. It's okay to act like it.

((big hugs))

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8543418
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Hedwig ( Member #74175) posted at 1:56 PM on Monday, May 18th, 2020

What Josiep said makes a lot of sense about how you're feeling so conflicted. Our brain does not comprehend why the hell this person who used to be good and funny and loving and supportive is also mean and selfish and the devil incarnate.

I recognize your feelings of intense anger and sadness from the months following D-day. I did a lot of crying and I have felt sudden waves of immeasurable anger in my body that could only be let out by screaming and listening to very loud rock music and shouting along to the lyrics.

But I stayed after D-day, for a year and a half. Now it's been a month since I left him and it's a different type of sadness, a grieving of a lost future, a missing of the person they were sometimes. Your situation sounds like a combination of these two phases I've been in/am in, because you're still reeling from D-day AND now you're hurt from the separation. It makes so much sense to feel what you feel. Lots of hugs!

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8543476
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, May 18th, 2020

Thank you for the words of comfort and wisdom. Sometimes even if I kinda know what I’m doing wrong it helps to hear it from someone else.

And it definitely helps to hear that I’m not alone. It feels so isolating because the person you used to turn to is gone. Or he’s there but you can’t turn to him anymore. And the pain, sadness, and anger is so consuming that it feels like I’ll never get through it, that I’ll never be able to let go. So to hear that someone else has gone through the same feelings too and did get through it, is very comforting. To hear that maybe there will be an end to it all gives me hope.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8543495
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 9:20 PM on Monday, May 18th, 2020

Sweetie, you're not doing anything "wrong" per se. Josiep is right, in many ways you've been a rock star, shutting down the bakery and expecting MORE from a mate than what's been offered. That's HUGE. It's a lot to be proud of because you're doing all that after having been taken totally by surprise and with so many responsibilities on your plate. That's like bare-breasted wrestling with a baby on the nip... and winning! You're not "wrong".

What I'm worried about is you slipping into a nasty depression, and believe me that's NOT something you want to do. I can only speak to my own experience, but it lasted for years and even now, I'm not completely over it. It colored EVERYTHING in my life, made everything seems pointless. When my own mother died, I didn't FEEL it. I only felt the low hum of lingering resentment, like she had put me into this world but hadn't prepared or protected me, like it was somehow her fault, which is utterly absurd.

So, we don't want depression to take hold. You've got too much good in your life still. NC can help you by not only preventing new injuries, but by allowing your brain time to develop a new routine and new neural pathways to manage it. Out of sight really CAN be out of mind.

In terms of the sadness you're feeling, you have to try NOT to dwell, not to "dig in" to that sadness. In Mindfulness, we learn not to block our feelings but not to impede them either. They come and they go like white, puffy clouds. So, while it's important to your processing that you allow your emotions, you don't want to hold onto them. It's easy to lean in and just collapse on those sad, hurt feelings, but if you do, they're going to swallow you. And at first, you'll feel like you have control and can escape at any time, but as depression sets in, you'll become mired in your dark thoughts.

Rumination is like scratching a groove into an old vinyl record, the more you linger, the less likely you are to break free. At first, I was caught between the idea that I had to "work the problem" and my therapist's admonitions against rumination. I thought I had a better handle on it and I was so fearful that I was going to miss some kind of key information. I just kept going round and round though, searching for reasons why, digging into my grief, and next thing I knew I could NOT get out. I was stuck in that hopeless loop as friends and family members drifted away, because no one can withstand the intensity of that darkness.

I know you want to cry. I know you question "why?" a hundred times a day. I know you miss your WH and all you had planned together. But you can't indulge it. You have to fight back, and weirdly, you can do that through "acceptance".

There are some really cool pages online. Type in "mindfully deal with emotions" and you'll find one from the Gottman Institute. But don't stop there, keep looking for techniques until you find one that resonates with you. It's easy to notice a big, overwhelming emotion like sadness. It's harder to observe and accept it and still let it go. And when there's so much pain in our lives, it's hard to allow other emotions in, happiness at hearing from a friend or pride in the doings of one of your kids. But those are important too and they'll help round you out.

Anyway, long post shorter... you've got to fight this. It can drag you down further than you imagined if allowed to continue unabated. You've got too much good in your life and too much to do to get sidelined by depression. But you're young and you're smart, and you can kick its ass if you head it off before it gets a hold on you.

((big hugs))

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 2:47 AM on Tuesday, May 19th, 2020

I still sleep on my side of the bed. I don’t know how to let go of him.

He was supposed to take care of me. I was supposed to be safe. He promised me.

I helped him get his career. He’s going to be making a ton of money and be financially set. And I’m going to be struggling to get by. I don’t have a retirement plan. Because I want to only go back to work part time if I can manage it so I still get to be home with my kids some of the time. But that means no benefits, no retirement, not a lot of pay.

I wish I could roll back the clock and see what was happening before it happened. I wish I could have stopped him. Made him see me. See our family, and everything he was about to throw away.

It shouldn’t be hard to stay faithful. It wasn’t hard for me. It never even entered my mind to think of cheating. Not even a thought. But he not only thought about it, considered it a real option, he went through with it. He killed us.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8543711
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Outtatime ( New Member #74317) posted at 4:43 AM on Tuesday, May 19th, 2020

Future,

You commented on my situation and you're right, we are dealing with a lot of the same issues.

I totally understand where you're coming from and how brutal a situation you're living. Your heart is broken, you've been betrayed, your family life stolen and you and your stbxwh emotional states going thru rollercoasters while your lives are in limbo and 3 kids watching things go. Ouf! Cut yourself some slack: whatever you're feeling and however you're dealing with it is ok.

You've already made the brave decision. I can tell you are someone who wanted that family life. It meant everything to you. And you've spent years building it to have it taken away by the person who should've been building with you. The affair and betrayal: could you have gotten past it for that family? Maybe but not without a fully supportive partner in R.

That's where the love for my stbxw started to break down for me. They have the affair, the lies, the Betrayal, the deceit. D-day happens. You offer R. They don't step up to support it. You're willing to try to accept and move past the unacceptable for your family and they can't /won't. To me that means either : 1) they don't really love me anymore or 2) they are of weak character. Either way, the right move is to get out.

We will get out of these messes. We are the ones with our character and integrity intact, the strong ones. Step by step, we will build distance and independance so that they can't hurt us anymore. We will unwind our lives, go thru the logistics to be free. We will grieve our lost love, our lost family life and focus on our kids and our own well being. We will rediscover ourselves and will then look forward to planning our future. And we will one day look ahead with excitement at the chance we have to start a new life.

You are doing this the healthy way, that's why it hurts. It will pay off in the long run. You're not alone. You got this.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2020
id 8543736
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, May 19th, 2020

Future, as a person looking at your situation from the outside in, something is very seriously not right with your stbxwh.

I agree with the others, set boundries that work for you! And when he is there at your home, maybe consider taking time to take care of yourself. Go for a looong walk, take some time to meditate, maybe journal? Take a friend with you.

I understand where you are at and the sooner you stop being so readily available to him, you will begin to gain more confidence in yourself. Three things: Establish boundries that work for you! Start practicing NC and please, whatever you do careful playing wifey to him, he is not good. He sounds extremely manipulative and definitely a phoney.

I can tell that you are in a very vulnerable state of mind and are still allowing him to call the shots. And he is texting OW while in the presence of you and your kid's? Please, a man who is around you and your kid's acting that way is not a good man? I've been through it and that sort of behavior (or similar) doesn't stop. He sounds very arrogant. His behavior is destroying your self esteem and in time it affect your kid's if you don't begin to make changes soon.

You have 3 kids, let's work on getting YOU stronger so that you can lift yourself up again and plan a better future for yourself and your kid's. I know you love him but the trust will never be there again. And his arrogance is spilling over. Hard to change that type of person. Trust me, in the long run you will be way better off without him.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8543875
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 9:17 PM on Tuesday, May 19th, 2020

How can I feel so angry and hate him so much but at the same time just want to hold him and cry and let him comfort me and comfort him and pretend that everything is fine?

I feel weak when I feel like this.

(((FuturewasStolen))) so sorry for everything you are going through. It is pure hell. I'm IHS stuck in quarantine and still in the muck.

I have just started reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." It so far is really helping me understand my feelings and why I have them. The feelings you described above are mentioned in this book and it goes back to the Symbiotic feelings that stem from when we are infants and feeling helpless and dependent on another. Abandonment triggers these feelings. It is an excellent book so far I highly recommend it.

Hope you begin to have moments of peace and strength to get you through the dips. It takes a long time to heal from infidelity and I'm sorry you are here

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8543935
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