SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just want to get my thoughts out.

Our therapist tells me every session that I’m trying to fix things logically again!, I can’t help it.
I get constantly told to be kind to myself, I don’t want to be kind to myself, some people want a warm hug and a blanket and some want a sword, I want a sword, a few grenades and a rocket launcher.

She told me that I had to accept that I was in love with an illusion, the idea that my H would not do this to me is untrue, he did do those things and he was in fact weak and stupid. She said I have to accept him as he is now because this is the real him. The thing I’m struggling with is I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, he wasn’t just my H he was my best friend. I feel so sad.

Most of my days are spent fighting with my own thoughts, I’m in a war with myself every day to not break down. I have zero questions left, zero. I’ve exhausted everything several times, if there was any pain to be dug out oh believe me I dug it out. Feelings too, how did you feel when this how did you feel that, how do you feel now, I feel this, I feel that, the only think I want to feel right now is not like fucking this!.

My biggest question daily I ask myself is how on earth am I ever going to feel ok again, how will I ever manage to integrate this into my life?, I have no idea what so ever how this is ever going to be liveable. I don’t know how I’m ever going to look at him again and not see what he did, I can’t stand it when that happens.

I’m terrified of being stuck here, I’m scared I might get depressed. I need to get out of this pit of hell, I need to just see clearly and be at peace.

I have a problem at bath time, every single night at bath time my brain just shits itself. I’ve worked out it’s because the bath is my relaxing time and my brain has decided I’m not allowed to relax anymore, this is why I end up crying in the bath every. single. fucking night because shit brain decided we’re going back in the stupid loop of loserville.

I don’t know how to heal myself, I have zero questions left. Does my husband love me?, absolutely yes, I can say that without a shadow of a doubt, aside from volunteering to be hung drawn and quartered this man has and does show me I’m the absolute centre of his universe, he always has really but now he means business. Do I understand why he did it or what the hell it was, no. Very weird.

The one area I do feel I have progressed in is her, the AP. Now this fucker almost destroyed me, I’m angry with myself that I even allowed this to happen. Little miss desperate 😂 I used to battle with myself to not turn up at work and physically assault this walking fleshlight. My H already put her in her place, he humiliated her, he walked away. In 2 yrs and 4 months she got a handful of kissy touchy feely. Erm no! That’s just embarrassing.
The things she said to me, she said because she couldn’t get him, he humiliated her and she lost, she said those things because she wanted to destroy me and get back at him, she thought she had the power to do so. No sweetheart, absolutely not, you don’t have the power to do much really, and the only way you could have got him is if you’d have asked me to step out of the way.

Maybe I just keep sitting in the pit of pain, maybe it will spit me out one day, maybe one day everything will make sense, maybe one day I’ll be able to not think about this again, just for one day.

Just wanted to let you know that you've been heard, Bruce123. Remember, this is trauma and it takes time and healing. It takes 2-5 years to heal, possibly longer. You shouldn't feel this level of pain that far out, but it doesn't just happen overnight.

For me, I felt very much like Truman's World, where my whole life was an illusion and my spouse wasn't really who I thought he was. It takes a while to process through all of that.

One thing that helped me was going through The Grief Recovery Handbook with my therapist. Also, there was an amazing mindfulness workbook that helped.

Have you read the book Your Body Keeps the Score by Besel van der Kolk? He made some great breakthroughs in dealing with trauma. He uses exercises similar to yoga to help the body process.

Do I understand why he did it or what the hell it was, no.

You may never understand why he did it because there's really no logic in the thought process choose infidelity.

Absolutely the most fitting vent-rant I've ever read...thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this purgatory! Oh yeah....Now just making yourself choose the most self-loving things you can.

I am the same way- in that I go for lovic and not emotions.

Here is what I have learned every time you sit with these feelings you let a little more out. Those bath time cries? Try and embrace them rather than resist them. Feel the feelings, try and identify all of them. Then try and just give yourself some compassion. There is. Whole process that our Minnesota nd bodies know how to led us through.

It helped me to get in touch with my spirituality. I am not taking about religion. I am talking about knowing that we are not our thoughts, we rent even our bodies. We have this higher part of ourself that is perfect and that loves us deeply. Connect with that during the part I called compassion.

Be deeply kind to yourself. Give yourself all the love and patience. Do deep breathing exercises and be in your body a Few times daily. Remind yourself that you are safe in your body. Sit in the sun for 10 or 15 minutes a day. Touch your bare feet to the ground while doing it. Those grounding things can help enhance our moods

This all sounds woo woo. But these things will start to help you. Gratitude practices are great too.

You will not feel this way forever. Unfortunately, you have to let yourself feel it without resisting it frequently so that you can process the emotions.

I want a sword, a few grenades and a rocket launcher.

I see you're just at the 6 month mark. Sounds about right. You are arriving at the lovely Anger Phase. Which is good. It's like lancing a very nasty boil full of putrid pus.

Back when I was going through that, people here were setting up plate smashing stations in their garage. I never did that, but the rage was absolutely volcanic. I was 'coping' with three different types of yoga classes, deep tissue massage, and too much wine.

Your monkey brain is in a tizzy and everything is very dark.

Thing is, the mindfuck is where they say they love us to death now, they have seen the light, the error of their ways, yada yada yada, but the truth remains: THEY DID THIS.

People who love people don't do this shit to them. Period.

Hugs.

Onward.

Hi Bruce,

It's all so tough. You know when you hear people say something is really hard to get through and your like "yeah, yeah"....well this is really and truly as hard as everyone says it is and then some. I feel like I am in some sort of sick game...and every new level starts without any warning and I don't know how to get through it. Just when I think I might be understanding where I am, a new one seems to begin. I am beginning to have dreams about him cheating. This is new to me and usually they involve situations that haven't happened and are worse than what he has told me. Sleeping used to be my refuge from the daily onslaught of imagery and ideas of his cheating.

I am 10 months in and still very much in the trenches. I feel utterly exhausted! A lot of what you said resonates with me. The "feeling like you have lost your best friend" and the always seeing what he did when you look at him. If I don't see it, I sure feel it. I feel like even in our greatest moments now, there is always a dark cloud around us.

Some things that are kinda working for me right now (who knows if they will continue to do so in the future):

1. While I try to feel the emotions and go through them and not around them, sometimes I just am so wiped. So sometimes I will try to shelf the thought or the image. It always feels like when my brain wants to think about something surrounding the cheating, it's like a magnet that I have a hard time resisting. However, Sometimes, I just need a little break or peace. I will just overcome the urge to concentrate on whatever my brain is trying to make me think about and try to focus on something a little more peaceful or relaxing. Or I will make it as brief as I can - Name the thought and what feelings are associated with it and just recognize that it's the brains way of trying to keep you safe and you currently are safe.

2. We do check ins fairly often. Obviously if anything comes up, we can talk freely but I was finding that when we were, it would go around in the same ol' circles and the same ol' hurt and pain would come out. Or I would just be so darn exhausted with everything that I would burn out. I found that by doing check ins- with focus questions or points (I got ChatGPT to make up a check in template and questions or areas that we could discuss). This keeps the check ins within a reasonable timeframe but still touches on important subjects. It also helps us to explore new areas and keeps it a little more focused.

3. I do try to focus on the work that is being done - both by him and me. While I grieve the husband and bestfriend I had, I am trying to focus on what we are building up again now. I am really focusing on making us stronger than before but it will always be different. We are trying to ensure that connection can grow by making sure we have regular date nights and try to do fun or new activities together. It feels like we are dating again except with a lot more history.

I am not sure if any of this will be helpful or not but sometimes I have come across others' strategies and it has helped.

Trying to survive,

I understand what you say when you mention the sick game, I just feel I’m getting to a point where I gain some sort of clarity then boom, another wave or the most gnawing excruciating pain hits. It’s like my own mind is trying to consume me.

Logically I’m fine, all my ducks are in a row but mentally no……I don’t have any ducks they’re all dead.

Sometimes I have a really good day I’m starting to dread them now because I know the day after I’ll crash.