SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't post often, as I have so much to say I feel my posts should be novels. But, I need an outlet today.

For the past 37 years my WH has not been accountable for his lifetime of affairs, and he even admitted he had zero intention of honoring the vows he took in 1989, as he learned from HIS parents that "if yourunhappy, go find someone better and cheat."

While our last DDay was back in 2009, and I do not know if he has cheated again, I do know he has been using 'corn' and to me THAT is cheating, still.

Back in 2009, we really didn't do effective counseling that got to the heart of HIS issues, nor the depth of the pain, anger, humiliation and vast array of emotions I feel as BW over the course of an entire marriage.

I let life and family needs take over and swept the hurt under the rug until one day in 2022 when it came back in floods out of nowhere, and haunted me relentlessly. I didn't realize at the time it was a form of PTSD. I stupidly confided in my WH with hopes he could help me through the horror of this retraumatizion that hit me out of the blue. He did not help me, and instead blame-shifted and made ME the villain and himself the victim, blaming my lack of attention towards him and blah, blah, blah... I was disgusted!

I laid it out for him at that time and basically told him, "You broke this! You FIX it!" and demanded he seek therapy weekly, or I am done.

He took his sweet time finding a therapist, but 2 months later found one he is getting along with very well. He has been going weekly for about 6 months now.

In all honestly, he IS making progress at a snails pace in understanding his own feelings and is beginning to be able to recognize them and talk through them... with his therapist, only. He is labeled as "emotionally immature" and had lots of "childhood trauma" that has carved him into the serial cheater he is, and the emotionally immature part is the icing on the cake for me! He is better able to have a conversation with me without having to leave the room and yell, so that is progress on his part. It really hasn't helped the relationship, yet.

Once he was a few months into IC, we agreed to try MC and I found a CSAT therapist I THOUGHT would help us. I was wrong. I ended up being retraumatized in sessions by having to sit weekly and listen to my WH dismiss my feelings, justify his affairs and blame ME for his behavior. I am told by therapist, "Stay on your side of the street and he stays on his, both doing your own work and one day we will begin working together on the marriage."

I was appalled at NO recognition of the Betrayal Trauma of 37 yrs I endured and was told "He is too emotionally fragile right now to even hear or see your pain, as he is just now seeing HIS OWN. So, you must WAIT and be patient, and when HE is ready, we will begin couples work. I stepped out of couples therapy and told her, "Any therapy that does NOT attend to the 27 yrs of trauma I experienced at his hands as the PRIMARY focus is abusive to ME and I refuse to continue."

Now, I have been in IC for a long time and I have done MY work and have made huge progress in finding my voice and my self worth again. So much that I am now at the point where either my WH steps it up and stops his BS in therapy (he is feigning ignorance of accountability meaning and doesn't know if HE has it in him to do what I need. The poor baby...)

I told him last week that I am done waiting for him to grow up basically and his snail-pace therapy is a pattern he has of procrastination and disrespect and he has done this with each MC we ever tried over 37 yrs. I moved to seperate bedroom and am leaning towards seperation/divorce.

NOW, he is angry at HIS 2 therapists (he sees his IC to help him understand his inner turmoil AND he is seeing the CSAT on individual level for more focus on his addictive traits. I feel HE knew what I needed from him (to be shown by his actions over past 90 days that I matter to him and to do things in MY love language that show me that... he admitted he did NOTHING over those 90days and does not understand 'why'. Hmmm...?)

Anyone seeing him on paper would say, "He IS trying hard. He is making progress." But, attending 2 weekly sessions of therapy and MAYBE joining a large online group support for men who betrayed (I'm talking 50+ men in 60 mins, where he isn't even seen or has option to speak, which is just done so he can check the box saying "O did what therapist told me to do.)

I see him doing zero work at home. He hides behind "I have to work FT AND help take care of our grandson, so I don't have time for anything else!"

He hasn't changed, yet boasts that he "IS DIFFERENT AND I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU EVER AGAIN!"

He still holds 37 years of lies in his head... that is not changing. He still blames me for HIS choices... that is not changing. He has zero interest in even asking me about ME or how I feel... because he fears my pain... thatbis not changing.

So, I know as I even write this that he isn't going to change and I have to try to move on in my life.

After 37 years married, losing the home I literally built with my parents as a child is the single most devastating loss I face in that choice. This home is my SAFE place. Losing that is more devastating than leaving the man who has never truly cared about me.

Now, he seems to be searching for all the resources to try to prove to me he CAN change and do the work. When I am leaving is when he wants to finally try? Part of me wants so desperately to believe him. My logical self knows he is not going to change in this lifetime. I face a difficult choice of at this age... do I stay in my home and somehow try to live separately under the same roof? I can't afford a place on my own. I can't find a job after being a SAHM for past 10 yrs and I feel like I am stuck here.

If I did try to remain in the house, could I seperate and date later on? I'd hate it if HE did that, but selfishly feel like "you had your fun at my expense, this is MY turn!"

I am venting... I doubt I could stay and do that to myself. I am just so ANGRY that I am still here with him and had hope he would do the work. I am stupid. Now, I just need the strength and courage to move on and out and don't know HOW to do that.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'll be moving to the Divorce forum soon.

i am sorry you are feeling so down. This shit is really tiresome, isn’t it? Just sucks.

Are you sure you can’t find a job at 60? There are lots of remote jobs these days and there may be a good fit for you.
I’m 58 and all my friends are older and working. Take a look around, talk to a temp agency, see what kind of training your local community college offers. Don’t default to this. How much money would you need? The Gig Economy might provide enough to bridge the gap for you.

Same with the house. Have you talked to a lawyer and gotten an accurate picture of what D might look like? What about renting out a room to a boarder or as an Air BNB type thing?

Please explore all your options. There may be a better solution out there that you have not seen yet. And definitely see a few lawyers to understand the facts and work from that place of knowledge.

And hang in there. You will get through this.

Thank you for your reply. I have been looking for work and have not had luck. I am upgrading skills and doing as I need to do and the rejection is difficult. I know it just takes 1 "yes" in the sea of "no" and I WILL STAY POSITIVE.

I had not thought about the few options you mentioned for keeping the house. I did speak with a couple of atty's and it will be very tight for me to live here alone. I will try hard to keep it. I am scheduling a few appointments with different atty and will see what we can come up with.

Right now, I am just so very exhausted in so many ways. I am limited with hours I can work due to caring for my mother and uncle, both house bound. I also need to be home for my grandson, and he is the reason I stopped working in the first place. That gift of my time has come back to bite me in the backside!

i do not know what I am waiting for with filing though. He will not change or do any work to help heal, so the writing is on the wall. Fear stinks.

I haven't looked at what your state does, but some will pay for you to be a caregiver if it's helping your family members from needing to be in a nursing home. Have you looked into that?