CW: Eating Disorder + Incoherent overly-emotional rambling
About 20 months since we last spoke and they left me for AP. Today I was casually browing social media and came across a post with her in it, which sent me spiralling. She had grown her hair out, looked a little uncomfortable / dishevelled while posing with the group, and significantly thinner than when we were dating.
She didn't look happy, but I have no idea if she's doing well or not. I spent so long thinking she abandoned me once she had new friends + started dating AP and having so much anger / resentment towards how she could just go onwards and upwards after everything that we had been through. I've had panic attacks and so many dreams that I wake up in tears from, feeling used and disposable. I've genuinely wished her the worst and wanted general misery for her (and AP). I have no idea what her life is actually currently like, but I can't help but feel upset thinking she's not taking care of herself, now that I actually saw a recent picture of her.
It really did feel like we loved each other so much. This was my best friend, who I saw over the course of 6 years, slowly come to terms with her eating disorder and weight issues. We started getting a proper diet together and going to the gym, and she eventually started to think of weight as strength instead of ugliness. Beyond that, this was the person who I went with to the doctor and hospital, slept through cold winters, did laundry, and spend endless hours just talking with. We huddled through Covid watching movies and playing videogames, talked everyday when we were apart for months, and supported each other in our work. I've held her as she cried, and she made me feel like I was actually capable of connecting with another human being. I've dated before and since her, but never really found that same kind of intimacy that just came so naturally with her. To think that she might be unhappy or struggling really doesn't make me as glad as I thought it would have,
But this is also the person who despite after everything, lied to me and manipulated me when she got a better offer. She abandoned me and rewrote our history to fit her narrative, and I've been struggling ever since to feel like myself again. The thought that her ending up happy with AP makes it alright to treat me like less than nothing has really weighted me down.
I guess I just don't know what to feel. I definitely still love (and hate) her but one day I hope I'm indifferent. I know I have to sort my own life out, and need to stop thinking about her and AP. Trying to do better.
