Checking in after taking a longer break from SI. Hope you are all doing as well as you can with this journey we are all on. I got sort of burned out with the whole R thing I suppose and just got tired of fighting for us in each and every way (including reading books, watching videos and reading forums).
We are at the moment 2 years and 8 months out from DD. And I don't know if I have any fight left in me anymore. R has been bumpy to say the least. I don't think my WH was ever really a great candidate, or at least ideal (whatever that would mean). Yes he went NC as far as I know immediately, he still works at the same company but has been consistently trying to find something else (I've mentioned before his field is very specific and tricky so options are few and far between we have even looked internationally for options), we were in CC for 2 years. He's read some books and he was remorseful at least at first but as months have turned to years I find him being less and less capable of showing remorse and tiring of our relationship not getting any better. As am I. There haven't been any huge red flags as far as I know. No broken NC, no signs of new/continuing A etc. Its more that the stuff I put up with prior to his A, I am no longer willing to put up with now.
We were in trouble way before his A, that has to be said. We had contemplated D for years prior and we had started CC before he started his A so trying to R was a Hail Mary anyways. At first, it looked like the A was the shock that might have the ability to get us to switch into something different. Not to say the state of our M was in any way the reason for, or an excuse for his A, but his A was still just one enormous part of a bigger picture of issues. The A sort of jolted us out of our old ways for a while, we managed to break some of our toxic cycles for more than a year I would say. Not due to some false remorse from his side I believe as much as just the A stopped us in our tracks completely, and we had to really take a look at ourselves and our M and decide then and there if we were going to try and save it or just D. Since we both, at that time, felt that there was something worth trying to save we started on trying to R and we really did change a lot of our problematic behaviours besides the fact that he had to deal with the consequences of his A and its impact on me and us and work on that broken side of him.
So what has changed? Me. I think. My feelings. As time has passed the love for him I once thought could never die (not even his A killed it at first) has started to slowly wither away for me. I have lost respect for him, and over time, he has not managed to earn it back, instead I find myself losing more and more of it over time after the A. I see him so differently now. He is not the man I thought he was.
Early on after DD I was so desperate to save our M, we both were. I fought for a future together with all I had, tried to get him to get it, he TRIED yo get it, went to CC, read the books etc and I was on here everyday to find something that would help me cope. These days, I just don't really care anymore. I barely fight for it anymore, I have turned quiet and just sort of given up over the past months. About a year ago I think I was in the plane of lethal flatness. This isn't that anymore either, this feels different even to that period. That was a very specific kind of flatness overall, this is more a loss of feelings for him. These days when I get a reel with some perfect advise, that in every way encapsulates my experience and what I need from him, I still sort of feel YES that's it, but then immediately after I don't' even think I care anymore? I actually don't think that even if he suddenly did everything I needed him to do 2 years ago perfectly, that it would be enough? For the past 6 months I've seriously started to question if I even want to save our M anymore or if I'm just done.
At the moment I'm without a job, my workplace ran into economic difficulties and laid off a large part of the staff a couple of months ago so leaving right now isn't really an option anways. But this summer I find myself sort of thinking everyday that this is probably our last summer as a family in this constellation. I can't imagine doing one more long winter in this state that I went through last winter, something needs to shift. And as time passes I feel less and less that the shift is going to happen in him or our M but in me and me leaving. Im angry and bitter all the time and I find it harder and harder to give grace and be kind to him. So I am either just quiet or angry/prickly towards him but never soft and kind anymore. I don't like who our M is turning me into and I can't seem to snap put of it anymore either. Not even on good days when he really tries, do I feel it anymore, the connection, the love.
Sorry about the long rant, I suppose after months away from here I just need to vent about this strange place I am in emotionally at the moment to a group of people who might get it, at least some of it. It's a sad place to find oneself after almost 25 years together. He really was the love of my life, I never thought that feeling could die. Now I just feel numb and resigned and tired.
