SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see that phrase used a lot here, but I haven't seen it defined. Or is it a flexible definition? Something a BS comes to feel about their spouse?

How would you define it?

I'd say the short, quick and dirty definition would be a partner who can be trusted not to hurt you. That can mean different things for different people, but at a minimum someone who won't lie, cheat, or betray your trust.

What a perfectly timed question.

Sit back and enjoy the real time definition of what is and isn't a safe partner.

Almost a year ago to the day, my wife told me that she had been miserable for the full 22-year length of our marriage. I'll spare you the details of why that is, but if anyone wants to read it just look for the first post I ever made in these forums.

I was shocked, because I was relatively happy in the marriage. And my reaction was, how do I fix this? That was the day we were supposed to be reconciling our marriage based on the criteria she laid out. About a week later, we went on a trip out of state together, it seemed to go great! I thought we were reconnecting. I thought we were both doing well. I thought the sex we had was good. I thought it was a first step towards a healthier marriage.

Soon after that I found out my wife was having an affair, that according to her began AFTER we started to reconcile and AFTER we travelled out of state together.

So fast forward to today, where my wife has informed me that she will again be going out of state to the same location we went last year. Only this time she's not inviting me to go with her. This time she's just going by herself. She hasn't told me I can't go; she just hasn't even bothered to invite me.

Just moments ago, she told me she knew that I didn't want her to go. (I never said that) But she's still going, and she still didn't ask me to go, and even though she knows this will put strain on our horrible marriage, she's still doing what she's doing.

I could (but I won't) demand to go. I could (but I won't) ask if she should like me to go. I could (but I won't) hope that maybe she'll ask me to go because she doesn't want to be an unsafe partner. But it's been a full year of this shit, and since this is how it all started, why would I think it would even matter in the least? So, as the anniversary of D-DAY comes and goes, and she's staying the night out of state for the weekend to celebrate that, I will know that yep, she's still an unsafe partner, and frankly a real fucking asshole that I need to just start ignoring or expecting anything from because jesus christ how dense do you have to be?

Now if you read all that and still don't know what a safe partner is and isn't, I got nothing for ya.

I mean, it's as if I was burning alive last year, and as my wounds healed over time, but mentally I was completely scared of fire, and my wife said, "Hey, ya know what might be fun? Why don't you hold this flaming torch for the weekend, I hear it's going to be extra windy outside, so maybe just jog around the house while you're holding it." And then just started buying lighter fluid in preparation.

I know most people will read this and just think at this point I'm just a moron for still being in this relationship, and ok, you're probably right. But I'm also recognizing it in real time, and I'm flabbergasted that my WW would even think about traveling back there without me (let alone it being on the one-year anniversary of D-Day). She must live to torment me at this point. She's broken as fuck.

We have a MC session this week. I don't give fuck what the MC wants to talk about, this is all we're talking about. And it's not going to end with me travelling with my WW anywhere. It's going to end with the MC going, "Yeah, I get it now. She's fucking broken." I might literally start the session by saying "My wife is fucking broken. You're move, dickhead."

LOL This fucking world.

[This message edited by 4characters at 6:18 PM, Monday, October 13th]

I've always been less desirous of 'safety' and more desirous of a partner who pretty much always chooses to do 'right things.' But if one parses that, it's not very different from Pogre's understanding.

The definition of 'safe partner' has to be flexible because of the tremendous variations in peoples' circumstances.

4characters: yes, that definitely defines very well an unsafe partner! I can’t believe that she’s doing that, and I’m very sorry to hear that you’re dealing with all of the fear, pain, and anger it must cause you. I hope your MC can help her to see reason.

Look for someone who has good morals, 24 hours a day. How do they treat wait staff in a restaurant? Do they hold doors for people? Do they say please and thank you? Do they make sure you’re comfortable in an unsafe place? If you have children, do they make sure they are happy in their childhood? Do they care about other people? Do they have sympathy and empathy? A person‘s moral center should be so that they do things in private that can be seen in public except using the toilet and having sex. Other than that their lives should be open books. If you have someone in your life, whose entire life is either a lie or one step away from a lie, they are not safe for your emotional well-being and you need to get the heck out of there.
Edit, read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle. On the money.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:30 PM, Monday, October 13th]

"1. protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost."

- the Internet

A safe partner will not harm you, expose you to risk or danger. It's not complicated, nuanced or flexible.

Cooley2here, thanks for your response and the article recc. I will definitely check it out… I think that’s a really thought provoking definition and something for everyone to strive for.

It begs the question though: what about those who, other than having committed infidelity, meets that definition? Does that make them a more trustworthy partner, or less (because they can very well appear safe but also still betray you ?)

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 6:57 PM, Monday, October 13th]

A safe partner is someone who doesn't knowingly commit an act that can inflict pain or distress to their partner. A shockingly low bar that I find utterly depressing that so many people are incapable of reaching.

Turns out people love to abuse their 'loved' ones. That or they're too arrogant or stupid to think they'll get caught

I think after infidelity, emotional safety becomes everything. Both partners are usually operating out of pain — the BS from betrayal and trauma, the WS (if they’re truly remorseful) from guilt and the fear of losing the marriage. Safety is what determines whether healing is even possible.

Being a safe partner means becoming someone whose words, actions, and energy consistently create emotional security, predictability, and respect — not fear, confusion, or uncertainty. It’s about being emotionally trustworthy and attuned enough that your partner feels they can relax in your presence rather than brace for disappointment or pain.

A safe partner makes it easy for you to be yourself — to feel secure, heard, respected, and emotionally free. It means making each other feel like the truth, emotions, and vulnerability can exist without fear.

@heartbrokenwife23

Well said.

Having the ability to be vulnerable is now my most desired quality in a partner. My WW is nearly incapable, and I feel really stupid for not recognizing it for 22 years!

She's a self-described "people pleaser" and while I have tremendous empathy for why this is (a lot of sexual abuse early in her life), she's now 45 and still handles vulnerable moments like she's 6. Part of me wants to wait it out over the next 20 years of counseling (that she's not committed to getting), but I'm fully aware that the "fixed" version of my WW may not be interested in me anymore. In fact, I'm not sure that the current version is interested.

Anyway, I think having the ability to be vulnerable with your partner is incredibly important in any long-term relationship. Because if you can't do that, then how can you ever truly trust them? They won't even know who you really are!

It's sort of defined by the feeling, isn't it?

A safe partner is one that you feel is safe. How does a WS demonstrate they have changed their thought process to the BS? Depends a little on the BS. Takes time, repeated behavior, and especially showing a specific change in thought process when challenged or met with similar conditions to those that started the affair.

It means telling the truth when the WS thinks the truth will hurt because they understand honesty is more important than immediate pain. Because they understand lying could eventually hurt more.

Many WS's are avoidant, so showing a change in behavior towards not avoiding conflict can be safer.

This sort of thing.

How does a WS demonstrate they have changed their thought process to the BS? Depends a little on the BS. Takes time, repeated behavior, and especially showing a specific change in thought process when challenged or met with similar conditions to those that started the affair.

It means telling the truth when the WS thinks the truth will hurt because they understand honesty is more important than immediate pain. Because they understand lying could eventually hurt more.

Many WS's are avoidant, so showing a change in behavior towards not avoiding conflict can be safer.

It's kind of frustrating, because I feel like there's little opportunity to demonstrate change to my BH. Like, the A happened when I was away for two weeks for military service, which only happens once annually (sometimes twice, if I go for additional skills training opportunities), and I developed feelings for a fellow service member who I felt was initially "just a friend..." I don't even really interact with people enough right now to even make friends, with whom I could demonstrate clear boundary maintenance. I'm hardly ever in the same conditions where the infidelity happened... Though I suppose we have hit a few rough patches, and I tried to communicate better and work through my internal turmoil instead of going talking to anyone else, so there's that.

I'm trying to be a more honest person in general, but there's not really a ton of opportunities to demonstrate honesty in my day to day life either, or at least not ones that BH will be aware of. (Not that that's the only reason to be honest, but again, it's just frustrating not to be able to demonstrate change to him.) Sometimes I think about being dishonest and then I choose not to be, but then, it's not doing something, and people can't see when you don't do something, of course. The only thing I really have going on right now is that I signed up for a DietBet again, at which I used to cheat, but this time I'm actually losing the weight... Presently on a 1000 calorie a day, low carb diet trying to drop the remaining few pounds because I fcked around these last couple weeks, so now I get to suffer or lose $100. Fun fun.

I know I need to be patient and not try to rush things or fabricate opportunities to show change, but it's challenging.

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 9:59 PM, Monday, October 13th]

It's kind of frustrating, because I feel like there's little opportunity to demonstrate change to my BH.

Every day is an opportunity to demonstrate change. And it's going to take a great many days, a great many choices, before all of those little opportunities add up to a demonstrated pattern of behavior over time.

This is one of the reasons we often say that reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

I often advise BS in R to temper their expectations when it comes to seeing changes in their WS. I don't think change happens overnight. It takes time. My exww used to say it's a lifetime work-in-progress. Neither are the changes holistic. I didn't expect my ex to completely change her entire personality and character. It was enough that she understood her "whys" and authenticly wanted to make some healthy changes, to unlearn some untruths about herself and how she estimates her own self-worth and value (extreme codependent tendencies).

Don't underestimate your BH's ability to discern changes. Chances are he's watching you like a hawk, constantly considering whether or not you're a safe partner.

I'm trying to be a more honest person in general, but there's not really a ton of opportunities to demonstrate honesty in my day to day life either, or at least not ones that BH will be aware of. (Not that that's the only reason to be honest, but again, it's just frustrating not to be able to demonstrate change to him.) Sometimes I think about being dishonest and then I choose not to be, but then, it's not doing something, and people can't see when you don't do something, of course.

Did you previously have a pattern of following through with thinking about being dishonest? The mere absence of that type of behavior will be noticed if it was present before. Like Unhinged said, it's a whole lot of the little things over lots of time that adds up. It will be noticed. It's just going to take time. He's probably just waiting for the next building to fall out of the sky and land on him. He'll eventually begin to see that that building may not ever appear.

I'm hardly ever in the same conditions where the infidelity happened...

Yeah, it might not be often. It wasn't until well over a year after D-Day, and after I asked for a divorce (but we decided not to), that my wife got a new job.

She made a friend with a male coworker, and she didn't hide anything. I got to meet him early on and have a beer with him and meet his family. He didn't "try" anything with her or whatever, but she just maintained a much more open and honest relationship with me about the friendship she had made a work. I know this might be too much for some people here. "No Opposite Sex Friends" is just a bit too much to ask, in my opinion, but some people make that requirement...

It really helped build trust and made me feel like she had become safe again.

To me, a Safe Partner means:

Someone who can be trusted to not bring further harm to you and your family, or to themselves.

Someone who will no longer traumatize you, who will help repair the profound trauma they have caused.

Someone who won’t give you an STD.

Someone who won’t trash talk you behind your back, tell your intimate secrets, intimately expose you, your marriage, your children to relative strangers, to those of questionable character, to those who mean harm to your marriage, to those who have total disregard for your family.

Someone who doesn’t divert their time, attention, their affection, their loyalty, their love and marital assets away from the marriage and family.

Someone who doesn’t rewrite marital history, disparages the BS’s character and reputation, demonizes the BS to cover up or rationalize their betrayal.

Someone who doesn’t harm, lie, cheat and steal.

Someone who won’t totally fuck up your young developing impressionable children.

Someone of sound enough mental health and integrity to perhaps be trusted again with all you hold most precious in life.

Just off the top of my head.

4char; with your upcoming CC appointment, I think that is the time and place to lean in to your anger.
She’ll keep this up because there’s no consequences.

I think after infidelity, emotional safety becomes everything. Both partners are usually operating out of pain — the BS from betrayal and trauma, the WS (if they’re truly remorseful) from guilt and the fear of losing the marriage. Safety is what determines whether healing is even possible.

Being a safe partner means becoming someone whose words, actions, and energy consistently create emotional security, predictability, and respect — not fear, confusion, or uncertainty. It’s about being emotionally trustworthy and attuned enough that your partner feels they can relax in your presence rather than brace for disappointment or pain.

A safe partner makes it easy for you to be yourself — to feel secure, heard, respected, and emotionally free. It means making each other feel like the truth, emotions, and vulnerability can exist without fear.

For me this nails it.

As for your frustration…

You have really wanted him to believe you and move past it since the beginning. Unfortunately trust that is broken in mere moments can take years to repair.

And I will say that if my husband said to me "I am not in the same conditions" or "I am not interacting with people right now" I would probably say "dig deeper"

Change in humans is amazingly slow. And while you hand may be hot off the burner and still stinging it doesn’t mean in a future unknown scenario that your hand won’t go back to the burner after the pain is forgotten.

I get it, I completely get it. I wanted to speed things up or didn’t understand how to rebuild trust and yet had barely scraped the surface of my issues.

You are still very much contemplating your values. Unfortunately, I think if you find that your values on honesty or monogamy or commitment or love are not a match to his, he is going to have a hard time finding you emotionally safe.

The reality of once you’ve cheated you can’t control the nuanced wounds you create in another person. It’s a blow to their confidence, self esteem, may awaken old trauma, makes one question everything (which can be healthy, this is a time where both of you will have more questions than answers)

What I would reccomend is focusing on your healing and not trying to control his. It’s natural of course to want to do that, I did it for sure. But when you can humble yourself enough to see he has things to heal but you have a lot to work on too, it becomes more a partnership about that for a while. Normally there is a recovery period before you try and fix the relationship. Think of yourselves as parts of a whole, and when the two parts are better healed and have had time to contemplate all that’s involved then both can make a conscious decision to start reconciliation.

Right now, your role is to work on you, be honest with him (sounds like you have been doing that evn despite questioning it- which is good) and just keep being transparent with him as you move through this discovery period. Try and embrace that as a positive thing because when both people pursue personal growth, the opportunities for a richer relationship can emerge.

Pushing him toward something is not going to feel safe, you are going to need to become comfortable with uncertainty. And actually, that’s the reality he is living as well, in uncertainty.

It’s a process that you have to let flow rather than keep a stranglehold on. In time as he sees the commitment you are making in seeing what you can learn about yourself in this he will have more and more faith. It’s like using a dropper to fill a bucket. And there is unfortunately no way around that, there is only through.

Allow him to feel however he does. Reassure him, but do not try and litigate or convince. "I understand why you might feel that way, I am sorry that I have done this and wish I could take it back" "I will be here as long as it takes for us to work through it"

And mean those things, don’t just say them. He has every right to his thoughts, feelings, and opinions even if you profusely disagree. But it’s better to to try and use the energy to understand him, listen to him, empathize with him, rather than to be frustrated he doesn’t believe you, dismiss him, or try and talk him out of things. He needs to be able to take up that space right now. Because if he doesn’t this will all rear its ugly head down the line. He has to process this in his own way even if you don’t like the picture that is painting.

It’s hard. Truly. I remember.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:38 PM, Wednesday, October 15th]