SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel that my husband is distancing himself from me.
The truth is, he never fully stood by me in the way I needed him to.
For three and a half years I’ve been asking him to be the one to start a conversation — something he’s never been able to do.
Yet when I was the one who spoke, he never avoided discussing anything and everything. He tried, in his own way, to show me every day that he loved me, even when my reactions were very harsh.

But over the past month, I feel him pulling away.
He has a lot of work.
He changed careers halfway through the year of the affair.
Six months later the affair ended and we embarked on the road to reconciliation .
He told me everything; I fell apart, but because of the new job, there’s never been enough time for us to reconnect.or at least not as much time as i wanted. but i was patient.
Now, The more time passes, the better he does at work, and even though I’m truly happy and proud of him, the truth is that he spends endless hours working.
Today he’s received another big job offer.

Five years ago, I would have supported him with all my heart.
But over the past three years, I have been the one who needed him.
And even if he wants to be there for me, as he says, I need him to speak to me gently, with empathy.
Instead, today and yesterday he was hard.
He even admits it now — and it shows, he is angry.

I told him that if he feels this way, he should try to be patient for one more year, until our younger child starts high school, so that we can separate afterwards.
He said he’s doing all this to provide for us, and especially for the children, "whom he puts first, just like I do."

After all that, we realized we’re speaking different languages.
And I left.
I went to an apartment to spend the night.
I have no idea what I feel.
But I do know that what he feels — is so little…

I must also add that since the moment i decided to reconcile i felt bellitled, humiliated, and ...less than... so i started a journey in order to become someone that i am proud of, that he is proud of, and of course to do something that would help me get through the constant ruminations... today he told me that he supported me and that he needed the same support. i answered that i ve been supporting to his long hours in his job . But this is a SECOND job. It meand more hours. I dont want money, i want him. And even if he wants to do that there are better ways to speak to me than being upset because I want his time...

{{Hugs}}

R is hard. I'm sorry you're not feeling heard.

Why do you have to wait for your youngest to be in HS? That's just another year that you'll be treated this way.

Have you checked with a lawyer or barrister to see how things will look if you D/S?. You may want to check just to gather knowledge.

Sorry you're hurting.

Phosphorescent,

Work can be a very seductive avoidance mechanism. The person doing it can feel justified, possibly even superior, by advancing his or her family economically. It is even possible that in his mind he is making himself be the good guy for providing and you the bad guy for interfering with his efforts to provide for his family. Of course, if he’s thinking this way it is 100 percent BS!

When it comes to reconciling after an affair, avoidance is apt to prolong or destroy the process. I say this because, though my wife does it differently, she is very avoidant of anything that is either physically or mentally painful. That avoidance pushed our reconciliation timeline from what could have been a few years to a few decades. My suggestion is that you risk his harshness and call him out on his avoidant behavior.

Asterisk

I really don’t know where we stand. I don’t think he does either. I never sought legal advice. Although I was ready to flee in the summer of 2022. Legal advice for what? I still trusted (and I am purposefully using the word trust here) that he wouldn’t be petty. So, I chose to trust some things because any attempt to reconcile was otherwise futile in my mind. And he was adamant that I am the one for him. He still is. But….
Asterisk I think that you used the right word to what we are experiencing, although my husband would partially disagree. Avoidance. He would disagree because he states that he always discusses things. He’s right. In assuming some responsibility here, I think that sometimes you have to just let it go for a minute,and have some fun which is a good thing in rebuilding. I know I let go of ruminating sometimes but not enough. But I also know that the time that is left for us during the day,the week or the month to connect is excruciatingly short. I am alone with my thoughts. And whenever I am sad, he is like a deer with headlights on him. And I am bothered by the fact that I come as the one that always puts us in the same discussion.