I’ve been estranged from my in-laws since my H’s infidelity—just over 2 years now. I haven’t spoken or seen them since July 2023. I’ll spare the nitty-gritty details of their behaviour throughout all of this, but let’s just say I could write a novel about how despicable their behaviour has been. They never once reached out or acknowledged what their son did to me. Instead, they encouraged divorce because he deserves to be happy—and apparently, if I had been a better wife, none of this would have happened 😑
As time went on, their behaviour and trash talking me behind my back never stopped, and I officially blocked them from being able to contact me in September 2024. My H also made the decision to go no contact with them in February of this year.
On Friday night, my H got a call from his sister to let him know that one of his uncles (his mom’s youngest brother) had unexpectedly passed away. My H had remained in touch with this uncle, so of course, he’s sad and in disbelief. His family is very small—just a handful of people—so this death is very devastating for everyone.
We haven’t heard yet if or when there will be a service, but my H would like to go (for us to go) if they’re having one.
I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle this—specifically how to maintain my boundaries and estrangement from my in-laws while still being as respectful as possible in light of a death. I want to be supportive of my H, but I also know I can’t put myself back in an environment that’s toxic and unsafe for me.
I know this might sound harsh, but I don’t feel any sympathy for my MIL. I’m heartbroken for my H, his sister, and the eldest brother of the one who passed—but not for her. She never once showed me empathy or kindness when my world fell apart, and I don’t feel obligated to show her something she never extended to me.
Honestly, I don’t even want to go. It would be so uncomfortable and awkward. I can already see them using the situation to manipulate or guilt my H, and I just want no part of that.
Bottom line, I don’t want to go, but I guess feel obligated too. There’s so many unspoken things I want to word vomit at them — but I know this wouldn’t be the time or the place. I honestly don’t even know how I would keep my composure around people I once considered family.
To make matters a tad more complicated, we’d have to arrange childcare, flights, and accommodations if we went because they are in a different province.
Would it be awful if I didn’t go? And if I did go, how do you even offer condolences when I don’t have a single ounce of genuine sympathy to offer her.
I’m really torn on what the "right" thing to do looks like in a situation like this.
