This is long, and I have skipped over some of the details.
I think there's only one relationship I've been in where I wasn't cheated on, high school boyfriends, after high school boyfriends, adult boyfriends...man do I know how to pick them.
Eight years ago - I met WH when I was late 20s, on a dating app. We chatted for a couple weeks before going out on our first date which lasted pretty much all afternoon and well into the evening. It was so easy to be with him and lose track of time, I was so comfortable and unlike most men on the apps he never solicited me for photos or turned to conversation expressly sexual.
Things worked well, we moved in together roughly a year later, we lived in a major city had great groups of friends, went out and explored, saw friends, family, got a dog and worked to tackle life together.
Two days before my 28th Birthday he texted me saying he wasn't feeling well and that he was going to go home early, he'd see me at home. I was feeling bad for him, knowing we had plans for my birthday that weekend, and I had a job interview the next morning which I was nervous but excited for.
From the time I walked in the door that evening after work expecting a sick boyfriend I found myself experiencing DDay 1.
DDay 1, was likely how anyone would expect. When he told me, I wasn't shocked though, maybe shocked I had been right. It was an online friendship that got out of hand, though they had met once in person a couple months before (something I hadn't known happened) and physical boundaries were (almost, so they claimed) crossed and he'd felt so guilty he confessed. Great timing bud.
The AP... I'd see this girl send him a snapchat of her in yoga pants when we were in Walmart once, had frowned when I saw it and told him that was inappropriate and that this friend of his (that knew about me and also had a bf) shouldn't be sending things like that to a "friend".
"Oh it wasn't to me, I think that was part of her story." I'd been told at the time. "I wouldn't want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, I'll not look at that anymore." WH has a lot of female friends, the ones I do know I've never had any issues with and they are all girls girls. His best friend is a woman and I've bared witness as she's called him on his shit in more then one occasion. So this one, well... she was maybe questionable but I'd trust his assessment.
I think back now, and shake my head at how blind I was. How because he himself had been cheated on in a long-term relationship, how much he HATED people who cheated, how I let that reassure me. So when her contact on his phone was on DND in his texts to mute the conversation and alerts, and he told me it was because (she was annoying) again, I didn't question it. I did get the gut feeling then, shoved it down. Didn't ask him If she's so annoying why talk to her at all? She's an online friend you could just fade out, or even ghost since she's already crossed boundaries.
I didn't snoop, I never snoop - I trust, or want to trust people apparently to a fault. I had a mother who constantly snooped and invaded my privacy, would read my MSN conversations, I make an effort to allow people privacy. I had no reason not to trust him, he wasn't all my exes.
Until he was exactly like them.
I came to find out that they met over Reddit(how I HATE reddit), r4r, back before we started dating and yes, they were just friends...until it wasn't just friends. My world imploded that night and I don't think I'd ever experienced such hurt. I kicked him out for the night to wallow alone and made him go to his Mom's until I was ready to talk the next day. I had to try and gather some semblance of sanity since I had a job interview in the morning.
I got the job (still at it now and very surprised how the regularly reference how amazing my interview was), offer was in my email before I even got home afterwards. I couldn't be happy at the time, my head was swimming and I was completely spent emotionally from the past 18 hours.
He'd come home to discuss, he disclosed everything, he took responsibility, was remorseful, had made an appointment for IC. I told him to get an air mattress and we'd continue to talk and work through things. I started IC soon after.
A couple weeks later his AP messaged me in IG and called me a slut. Pardon me?
I messaged her back, and asked to talk - asked for her side of the story and told her she was a sad person. She didn't like that. We had a rather lengthy exchange that I recently reread, I wasn't mean - she was very defensive - didn't tell me anything I didn't already know even though she would thow bits of their online affair at me like she was telling me something he probably hadn't. The exchange ended up making me feel okay with reconciliation, I didn't see any proof of it other then the two instances, I was told they mostly texted and snap chatted. Both things had been cleared before he told me.
When revisiting this time recently through my WH and I text history, I noticed she'd texted my partner at that time, saying that I'd messaged her. He'd responded with "don't contact me anymore". Now though I sit an ponder how she was able to text him at all. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLOCKED. How didn't I even question that the first time?
Over the years this exAP would pop up a few more times. Any form of communication that she wasn't blocked on she would try to contact my WH. When we were away for my 30th bday years later she'd message him on LinkedIn and ask if his situation had changed (she was with her now husband at the time) and then a year later a few months before our wedding she'd find him on TikTok and message him there.
These instances he always told me right away, showed me the messages. Never responded, blocked her.
She would creep into my mind from time to time over the next few years, but it got better. I'd learned to trust him again, we got married in the fall of 2022. Bought a house, added another pet to the equation and I often reflected on how far we'd come and how solid our relationship was coming out of it.
We both continued with therapy, though on a monthly basis.
I got pregnant soon after we were married and last year our daughter entered the world kicking and screaming.
2024 was long, a new mom I was - and very little support. The first few months were rough, I was dealing with a lot emotionally (because my toxic mother decided to drop some bombs on me a few days postpartum) and caring for an infant isn't easy. I took a 12 month mat leave and slowly found my groove, WH works from home most days so having him there if he had 5 min to hold the baby so I could pee or something was great. Some months were a struggle, babies and sleep you think they go hand and hand and find out that is false (they never want to sleep) - we drifted apart at times because I would be overwhelmed and not want to bug him because he was working. I was struggling emotionally, looking back I now realized that my PPD was pretty bad but I just thought it was a normal struggle through navigating the new.
WH started going to the gym again, wanted to be strong and healthy for our daughter. I approved, thought it was a bit of a scam since he went at bedtime and that left me to struggle putting her to bed for hours at a time but I was happy he was getting out. He'd send me selfies from the gym, sometimes I'd drop him off and pick him up while taking our daughter to the park, a couple times I had that feeling come back, who else was he sending these too? No one. I'm being paranoid, he wouldn't do that again. I figured the end was in sight, daughter would go to daycare, I'd go back to work and I'd have more time to focus on getting back to us, and getting back to... me?
Early spring of this year, 2025, I went back to work. The PPD lingered, postpartum me also really struggled with managing my ADHD now. We have a couple more disagreements then usual, always around house work and how he was overwhelmed carrying the load of it the last year while I was otherwise occupied. I try harder, juggle work, child, try to drag the energy out at the end of the day to fold laundry, pick up more. Something. I know I'm not doing enough, I tell him about the PPD, I'd mentioned before but he didn't seem to register I was serious until then. No, not an excuse of my mental, emotional absence - but hoping that it would help him understand I really was trying my best some days just to get through the day.
I get back into writing (fanfiction) become part of a community, have some writing friends. Feels good to get back into a hobby I can do even if my daughter is doing some independent play. And I can carry it in my pocket.
Come August I finally started my ADHD meds, and the noise dies down, the energy I was missing starts coming back and I can focus, I can finally tackle laundry without over thinking it again and I'm starting to feel great. The burnout dissipates and I continue working on the PPD with my therapist, and now that the mind clutter is working itself out things feel a bit easier to tackle.
But....then there's DDAY2.
The things about the ADHD meds... they do make me more focused, and they've also really helped with emotional outburst. I'm a lot more balanced emotionally now that when I experience a large amount of it, it doesn't overwhelm me immediately, I can think. I can process.
WH was away for a week for a work trip. During that week I balanced work, child, pets, and surviving being alone with all of that. We spoke a few times, texted a bit but he knew I was exhausted, and busy so he didn't push for much back and forth which is common when he goes on trips - I also get nervous because where we live is kind of secluded so I don't enjoy being along out there, and typically have all doors locked. I was proud of myself though, how much I'd handled, alone and how I'd not gotten overwhelmed. It wasn't an easy week by any means but I felt accomplished.
The night he got home the front door was locked (as it is after 7 pm?), and I'd bolted the inner door out of habit from the week. Honestly had forgotten I'd bolted it, he wasn't expected to be home until midnight so I stayed up watching tv and drawing.
When WH came home and couldn't get in the front door, I noticed him at the side door flashing his phone light through the window and let him in.
He was so angry.
I was shocked at his reaction for the door being locked, he grumped about being tired, jet lagged, annoyed 'that he couldn't even get into his own house', showered and went to bed. The reaction was so over the top, even for someone who was tired from travelling. I asked why he didn't text me he was outside and I could have opened the door and he'd grumped about it being dark and he couldn't be bothered to grab his phone and he assumed I was asleep.
My stomach dropped. I knew something was going on. I figured something had happened on the trip and laid there thinking about next steps all night. To me the reaction was fear, fear of something finding themselves returning home to doors locked, to find themselves kicked out. The following day he was still grumpy, snippy, jet lagged. I carried on as normal mind swimming - he had a stressful week at work coming up I attributed it partially to that but something was gnawing at my stomach.
When the week started, I was weary - he's always been someone who uses his phone a lot, always has YouTube playing so I began to think if anything triggered me to suspect other then his outburst, but then I thought back to a month prior when he'd had a similar overreaction when I'd placed my laptop on top of his. I don't know his passwords, I'm not particularly tech savvy, he regularly hands over his phone for me to order things, set the gps. Maybe I was being silly? Looking through his luggage didn't turn up anything. He did tell me a story about how on his work trip he was pretty sure two employees who were both married hooked up and I'd made a face, when he expressed the one had a wife and child at home.
Strange story to share as an almost 'funny thing' given our history.
The gut feeling got stronger.
The next day my coworker showed me a Reddit post at the end of the day, on r/marriedbutchatting.
"Dang, I could have my own version of your husband." Is what he said while my world exploded around me as he shared his screen (our casual post brief chat taking a turn), cause the posting was 100% MY HUSBAND, posted a month prior the user deleted. I was reeling, Reddit. AGAIN. I had to play it off like it wasn't my husband, and then tried not to think of why my coworker was on there in the first place.
I spent the next hour digging, figuring out how to see old posts from deleted users, anything. The last of his usernames I knew was from years ago, and that was long deleted it seemed. So I searched, our location, his age on a few subreddits for affairs, canadianaffairs, marriedbutchatting and then even r4r. All deleted users, but posts lingered, same format - same (asian tatted dad). I eventually found a tool that let me check the posts to see usernames, so I could search those to see comments, posts that has been made.
I discovered back in 2023 weeks before our first wedding anniversary, while I was pregnant he'd started. Answering people's posts for sexting, which it looks like he indulged in for a couple months leading up to our daughter's birth. Then progressed to answering a local ad for affair partners only 15 days after the birth of daughter in the marriedbutchatting subreddit. The summer after her birth, when he was sending all those selfies. I found so many posts, he'd cross post on multiple Reddits. Each and every event and significant date subsequently hit over the last two years. Birthdays, anniversaries, the day before our daughter's first birthday. Everything, every single date. My parents birthdays, my brother's wedding date, everything. Tarnished.
Thinking something happened and knowing became two very different things, now with a child. It was even more to think about. And I'd intended to wait, see if I could think more - take more time to process. Find more. But as good as I am at creeping, getting into his devices would be a whole different thing. But as I was making dinner I found myself getting more and more angry. He'd brought our daughter home from daycare and I'd closed the fridge a little too hard and he asked me if everything was okay.
Obviously not. I asked him if he had anything to share about what he's been doing on the internet. (Lame, I could have probably thought of a better opener if I didn't blurt it out)
He said no. What did I mean?
No? Nothing about his doings on reddit? Nothing to share, "Asian tatted daddy?"
Then he admitted it. He was overwhelmed, did a quick lap around the house before coming back while I stared. I just stared. Fed our daughter dinner while listening to his confession. When he started (or when he remembers), why he stared (validation, wanting to give me space, we didn't communicate, chores), how it was online only, only online - was an outlet- he was hiding kinks (I write smut dude, nothing you tell me is a surprise), felt disconnected, needed the validation (wanted to send dick pics), he compartmentalized it always made sure myself and my daughter were okay before he'd do anything (the posts and comments weren't timed for evening... it was midafternoon usually). How he was selfish.
I'm only a month out from DDay2, still don't know what to do but the numb feeling is gone, I'm mostly angry (thought my therapist has pointed out under anger is usually a lot of sadness, but I think I still need the anger to fuel me forward right now).
I've decided to work on reconciliation as of now and taking it a day at a time, I'll never fully trust him again. The only reason he is getting this chance is because our daughter isn't old enough to know what is happening. Do I think I can be happy one day again? Maybe, I have moments but a lot of the time right now the happy moment is clouded the moment after it happens when I remember any happy moment over the last two years and how he probably just posted on reddit hoping for a sexting partner.
He wasn't very successful finding them, not any replies on anything I saw. From the couple bites he did get from what I found, or what he admitted to seemed he gave a valiant effort but little reward.
His actions aren't justified at all, I do know watching his mother have an affair for 20 years has affected some of his perception of things. I'm just floored that the man who was so hurt by cheating himself has done this not once but twice.
I'm doing the work I need to do for me. I'm reading, reflecting, journaling and taking it day by day.
He's back in therapy weekly, he's really putting in the work this time, reading the books, working on what he preaches about communication. (I've really noticed he's a crap communicator)
Some days I wonder what the hell I'm doing, why I'm trying again? I don't know the answer honestly, I don't know anything really.
I love him, I really do - as much as the marriage vows, or even date is tarnished to hell I did take mine seriously so for that I feel the need to give that last chance. I've told him that if he ever does it again, ever makes that choice then I want him to pack his stuff and just leave. I wouldn't repeat this at all, wouldn't want my daughter to be aware enough to know something like that happened again and that I stood for it.
I struggled a lot the first few weeks, did what most do and after hearing the why, went to take on any responsibility in the matter. But I've done reading, and podcasts and have been through this before now and...I know it's not me. What chance did I have, or we even have when he was already checked out before I was even postpartum?
I'd felt alone and like I was doing it alone and everything for so long, and felt guilt about that when I had a husband who did help out when he could, did the early mornings so I could sleep, picked up my slack for the house work and was so grateful. But...he wasn't there with me, not completely, not emotionally he'd already disconnected in a way before she was born...what fighting chance did I have?
So that's... where we are. Both healing, processing, having conversations, working together. Discovering how much work he has to do, and how much he rugswept things after DDay 1 that I didn't realize. How he'd continued to do so. Our 3rd wedding anniversary just came and went. Maybe one day it will mean something again, but other than a card I didn't want to acknowledge the day.
Theres more details to the bulk, but honestly this was long enough.
