SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My (21f) child from a previous marriage is having a baby very, very soon. This would be the first grandchild for everyone. You can see my details in my signature and profile. I'm 5 months post D-Day and I've been wrestling with whether or not to tell her about her stepmother's affair for most of that time. WW is super-excited about the upcoming baby. She thinks it will help our reconciliation. She is already making plans for watching him regularly. My daughter has a very good relationship with WW. Possibly even better than her relationship with her own mother.

Part of me thinks she should know so she can decide if she wants to allow my WW to be in her child's life. That she has a right to have agency for her child. Part of me thinks maybe I'd just be punishing my WW for a kind of vengeance. Another thing to consider is that my daughter will undoubtedly tell everyone that will listen if she knows...which will complicate a lot of things.

I'm usually pretty firm and solid on what the right thing to do is, but I truly don't have an answer here. Insights?

I personally don't think you should even consider telling her until well after the baby is born. Giving birth is hard enough, and emotions run high for a while. Give it time and then decide.

[This message edited by Charity411 at 10:16 PM, Friday, October 24th]

My first thought was that you can’t have enough help after having a baby. Second thought was that you have recently posted that you do not trust your WW. Did you mean that you don’t trust her with your heart, or is the mistrust broader? If you were your daughter, knowing what you know, would you trust this woman to care for your baby? I think that you previously said that both APs were in very public positions, how long can this cat stay in the bag anyway? I think your daughter may feel let down if she learns after the fact that your marriage has been rocked by WW’s 8 year affair, all the while you didn’t trust her to make a decision about who watches her baby. Your WW may become an ex but your daughter will always be your daughter. So I would tell WW that she can’t watch the baby unless your daughter has the information she needs to make an informed decision. Finally, isn’t this a good issue to bring to your Councilors?

My God, your wife is messy AF. I'm so sorry.
Normally, my advice would be to tell your daughter a few months after the baby is born. And then I read another post of yours. Your wife is a shitshow and a bomb waiting to explode. Tell your daughter. Tell her immediately.
Your wife lived a lie for 8 years. Your daughter is going to feel like half of her life was a lie also. Whether she forgives her stepmother or not is out of your hands. If someone betrayed my parent, even if it was the other parent, I would be pissed. So, your daughter has every right to know about the affair and to be upset about it. Also, it is better she finds out from the both of you than to find out from strangers if it all explodes. At least she'll be prepared.
The only way I wouldn't advise you telling her is if she is on bed rest and extreme high risk pregnancy.
If your wife has even one decent bone in her body, she would want to tell her together.