SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It didn’t take long after learning of my wife’s affair for me to find myself in the role of being a coconspirator of lies, a complicit gaslighter to friends, family and our church family. I would bold-face lie to my mom and dad who would ask what was going on with me. Friends who could feel me sinking and pulling away began to ask questions that I’d side-step or outright lie about. There were church members’ whisperings of my wife and her lover (my friend and fellow church member) that I, in defense of my wife, would disavow. I justified my new behavior by slyly deceiving my brain that it was no body’s business, but in hindsight, I was lying to myself and others to avoid being judged a failure husband and lover.

I had never lived such a deceptive life as I was during those disorienting times.

And, push-come-to-shove, I am humbly aware that there could be made a convincing argument that I still am.

I solved the problem of my lying, not by becoming brave, giving a bold confession but by moving far away from family, friends and the church I once was so committed. It was a cowardly act, but I was completely defeated and deflated. What was being a coward when compared to what seemed like I was to my wife, a kicked-to-the-curb, throw-away husband.

I was in a new town and shunning any church, and the internet didn’t exist, so I had no one, including my wife, to talk to therefore this stuff just rambled around, churning inside of me. One sleepless night I sat down and wrote a short poem expressing something that was nagging me from the inside out. I could feel its presence but not able to identify it. It was upon the reread that I realized what my gut was struggling to tell me – I had allowed myself to - become a liar.

Weighted Net

Secrets twisting, weaving, intertwining truth with the lie
Sharing, revealing hidden trauma refusing to hide
Holes of omission, furtive whispers are knotted and tied

Oh, the entanglement ‘neath this weighted net
That allows for breath while from freedom I’m kept.

That was written decades ago. I don’t live in this place anymore. My wife and I have matured as individuals and as a couple. We have built a firm foundation, much stronger and more fulfilling than pre-D-day. It is filled with an aged, tested love and strong commitment to each other's happiness that in the early years, at the time of this poem’s writing, I wasn’t sure could ever be created.

Are there still moments of pain? Of course. Do I find myself sometimes replaying mental tapes that once were our truths but no longer are? Yes, to my shame. Which is why I need a place like this where I can attempt to share my struggles and wins? And I would be remiss if I failed to thank those here who have shown me so much collective wisdom and needed grace.

So why this post? What is it I needed to say?

I guess there are two things I am trying to convey.

(1st) I am a work in progress and reconciliation is an ongoing procedure that my wife and I are committed to.

(2nd) If you are new at this, try not to make my mistake avoid - becoming a liar.

Asterisk

This is a very heartfelt message and I understand your thought process.

One of the telltale signs that "things weren’t good" was a rapid weight loss for me. Pounds I could not afford to lose. One of my closest friends approached me and asked if everything was ok.

And I lied. "Of course- no problem" and laughed it off. She mentioned I looked a bit thin. Duly noted.

But why did I choose the lie? This woman is a blabber mouth and tells her kids everything. If my kids didn’t know we were on the verge of D yet, I didn’t need her kid to tell mine.

I’m not a liar by nature but I think that there are times when you choose to be deceptive for some darn good reasons. And protecting my kids was a darn good reason to me.

I have made the decision to not share my WH's A (42 yrs ago) with anyone. Other than him and the OW there is only one other person (that I'm aware of) who knows about it. That's a friend of my H who he confided in yrs ago. He went to him to get advice on whether he should confess to me or if his confession to God was good enough. It was eating him alive, yet he waited another 17 yrs to actually confess. 42 yrs of hating himself.

My H did ask if I would not tell our adult children. I granted him this. What I saw on DD was a very broken and damaged man. A man who was on rock bottom. He told me that he wanted to talk to both kids himself and apologize for not being the father that he could have been. I told myself that they didn't need to know the details of our M. but that if he could repair his relationships with our kids that would be enough.

I've never had to lie to them. They've never asked. The closest we've come is talking about two couples at grandkids school who got caught cheating. Big scandal. I will say that I used the opportunity to espouse words of wisdom.

My BFF grew up with me and H. She is actually how I met him. She was our maid of honor. I haven't told her and I feel bad. Isn't it stupid? I'm protecting his image when I should be seeking support.

Our situation is unique. So long ago. Other than some sympathy, I don't see any purpose served by telling others. H has done a complete turnaround. We are solid.

Glad to hear you are in a good place.

I've yet to tell anyone in my family about my wife's affair. Which isn't too difficult to do since I live more than half way across the country from everyone I grew up with.

My wife on the other hand, and from her pov, regrettably now, told almost everyone she knew about it. She always been an over-sharer, and this time it's kind of come back to bite her. She painted a picture of our marriage that wasn't quite entirely accurate and kind of forgot to mention all of the shit she's said and done over the years to villainize me and justify her actions.

She's had to deal with a little fallout and backpedal on a lot of things she's said, corrected some things, and explain that it wasn't always me that was a problem.

While I might have been turned into a liar, she's finding out that being truthful and transparent can sting. Some of her friends aren't too fond of her choices.

The 1st Wife, TrumansWorld, and Pogre,

I did not express myself well. It is hard to be crystal clear when trying to avoid writing a book verses a post.

A concur that I did not have a responsibility to tell anyone I did not want to tell about my wife’s affair. I too wanted to protect my two teenage children from the fallout and I didn’t want my wife and my issues to become my children’s issues. I do not place these things in the liar bracket.

However, what I did do is what I was trying so poorly to express. There were people who cared about me and were genuinely concerned. They saw me go from a very athletic, healthy 172 pounds to a gaunt 130 pounds. They knew something was terribly wrong and would ask what they could do. Instead of misleading them, in a way gaslighting them, I could have simply stated I was struggling with something that I was not ready to talk about. In doing that, I would have been validating their instincts while at the same time protecting my wife, my kids, and myself without lying. That is all my post is trying to share.

I did not mean to imply that a betrayed or a wayward has the duty to tell of their affair issues.

I hope my corrections makes more sense.

Asterisk

Thanks Asterisk

Wow! How devastating. I understand now where you are coming from.

I did not have any obvious physical changes. No outward signs of distress. No one the wiser. Being an empty nester and a homebody left me a lot of time alone to process things. I appreciate the fact that I didn't have to make those kinds of decisions.

I am a classic codependent. My need to cover/comfort others superseded any care for myself. This whole experience has highlighted my shortcomings. If I'm going to get something positive out of this, it's that I won't ignore myself for the sake of another. Hard education to get, but I'm better for it.

I will say my kids both asked me about their dad's sudden changes and I did lie and tell them he was just having a come to Jesus moment and to embrace it. It was kinda true. :/

Don't be too hard on yourself. You were trying to navigate a horrible experience in real time. In hindsight we can all make better decisions. We live. We learn.

Asterisk:

I did not mean to imply that a betrayed or a wayward has the duty to tell of their affair issues.

I didn't get that at all from your post. I'm just pragmatically agreeing with you that in some ways these situations can turn a BS into a liar, even if simply by omission.

I, too lost about 35 lbs due to mental stress, but that was long before my wife's affair. I still, to this day, struggle to gain weight, but I have put on about 12 lbs in the last several months to a year. Another 20 or 30 and I'll be where I want. I had dropped to 128 lbs at one point and I'm 6' tall.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:50 PM, Thursday, October 30th]

I am usually a very honest person, but I feel like a liar as well with this situation.

Early on my sister noticed changes, and aske me what was going on. I lied about what was going on because I didn't want her undermining our relationship further than my wife had already done with her affair.

I also feel like a liar continuing to keep the secret from our families. When we hang out with them, she is normal, and they have no idea what she did or is capable of. They have no idea the absolute hell I've lived through in the last 18 months. I just put on a smile and pretend nothings wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if telling early on would have helped her take more accountability for her actions. Would have sped up our recovery. Or would it just have damaged our fragile relationship even further? I don't know.