SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been feeling a lot better recently but every month in line with my hormones I usually spiral. However, I am starting to realise that instead of seeing this time and a time to dread ... It is actually a time to heal as it brings up all the pain that I need to process.

The last two days I have had a few tearful moments... But instead of feeling sadness or anger towards my husband for what he did, I seem to be feeling moments of sadness and guilt/shame for not knowing my worth. I used to feel so lucky my husband had 'chosen' me, he was the prize and I wasn't worthy of a man like him. Strangely, I had boyfriends before him that has high flying careers but were down to earth and kind and treated ME like the prize and time and time again I ended the relationships.

With my husband I thought he was the prize, I always felt insecure and always worried he would leave me for someone better (I regularly asked him if he was cheating on me as I was so insecure).

I realise I always thought he would cheat on me...but I think I thought it was because he would find someone better than me. I never thought he would use his mate's wife - a woman with low self esteem, an alcoholic woman who everyone had had a bit of - as a free prostitute!

l now realise that although my husband wooed me for the first year, once we were established as a couple, my husband really didn't treat me well or like I was the prize (he does now and has got several years). I don't ever remember him looking after me while I was pregnant, or telling me how he felt or giving me any kind of validation. My husband agrees and says he can't ever remember treating me with presents or telling me he was proud of me etc when I was pregnant/raising young kids (which is the complete opposite of how he is now). It's sad that I accepted that kind of relationship. I don't know if it was because I could see the potential in him (the man he is today) or I didn't believe I deserved any better, or most probably, a bit of both. I used to say a meteor could fall out of the sky and it would somehow be my fault. I used to believe he only married me because I was pregnant and he didn't love me. I used to feel little more than 'a hole' when it came to intimacy.

Things changed around two years after his affair (about 10 years ago). I started pursuing education and started asking for my emotional needs to be met (I told him if I ever left him it would be for a conversation not sex). Then we both went through a tough time around 2018 and we both supported each other through it and I guess realised how strong our love was. I stopped asking him if he was cheating on me, I didn't feel insecure in the relationship anymore, and I started asked 'have you ever cheated on me?'. He always said no and always elaborated that I was the mother of his children and he would never disrespect me like that.

Anyway, the point is, I think I've figured out what my therapist meant early on when she said I needed to forgive myself....I thought she meant I needed to forgive myself for not being a good enough wife and that I contributed to his choice to cheat but she meant I needed to forgive myself for not valuing myself, not trusting my instincts, not enforcing my boundaries, not knowing my worth

I know my parent's abusive relationship set a very low bar in my expectations if marriage and understand how this contributed to me accepting this sort of treatment and it also influenced how I behaved in the marriage. Likewise my husband has his own FOO issues, in particular, a chaotic mother.

So I'm starting the work on forgiving myself and recognising that his affair was his issue, his responsibility and nothing I did it didn't do made him cheat, and I hope to one day forgive him fully for it. I also need to realise it's easy for 44 year old me to feel 28 year old me should have been stronger and enforced boundaries but I need to forgive myself and have compassion for myself - I was a young mum of three with no family support who was doing the best she could to hold her family together and create the loving family she never had.

On DD and for months after, I was so broken...I was convinced I would never be whole again. I was convinced I died inside that day, but I am learning so much through this process...I feel like I'm turning into a whole new person. Maybe the old me did die that day, but I'm creating a new me I like a hell of a lot more.

[This message edited by Evio at 10:36 AM, Monday, November 3rd]

Evio —

I was haunted by different things in the early days, but your last line, I found particularly powerful and true:

I feel like I'm turning into a whole new person.

If there is such a thing as a silver lining to being cheated on, it is the opportunity to learn how strong we are, what our value is (and it has nothing to do with our spouses) and the chance to emerge from this unique trauma as a vastly improved person.

While I think we all question our own value when someone turns away from us, I never found the need to forgive myself for that.

After infidelity, after the trauma of it, we question EVERYTHING, including our self-worth. I think it is just a step we take on our way toward recovery.

I certainly questioned my mind, because I missed so many obvious signs, but I was told, none of us were supposed to be detectives around our significant others, we were supposed to see the good in them.

In that sense, I’ve never needed to forgive myself for anything my wife chose to do.

All we did was love someone with the best information we had at the time.

I find nothing wrong at all wrong with that.

We all learned a LOT though.

We learned blind trust was never a good idea.

We learned to trust our gut from now on.

And, as you are now learning Evio, you are a badass.

You took this sucker punch from life and you got back up, dusted yourself off, and found a way forward.

Waking up and knowing how valuable you are, how cool you are, and how strong you are — that’s a pretty good way to start the day.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 2:28 PM, Monday, November 3rd]

I like this a lot. This and the concept of reconciliation as a gift to the betrayer. I was actually going to bring up the topic of forgiveness with my IC this week (I had another post about forgiveness...thanks to all who commented). I hadn't really looked at it from the perspective of forgiving oneself. Your comments about upbringing hit home as well. My parents weren't abusive to me or my sibling nor were they physically abusive to one another (occasionally verbally with some harsh fights). It always felt like a relationship absent of substance. It was go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. There was very little "affection" in our home growing up. I think that clearly spilled over into my adulthood. My wife on the other hand had the "All In The Family" (apologies to you young folk for the dated reference). It was love hard, disagree hard but always end it with a hug. Big family celebrations, etc. She was used to affection abound growing up. I think forgiving myself for thinking that my inexperience of living in a house like that led to her making the choice she did. It may have created the environment for it but I need to accept that it is not my fault that I wasn't nurtured in a manner where I understood how to deal with a world like that. This is not a blame game either on my upbringing. Both of my parents lost their dads at a very young age (Mom's dad at 29 and Dad's dad at 47) so I doubt they grew up in a house that would be considered "normal" and obviously involved some serious trauma. I honestly wonder if I'm harboring some angst against them for what I'm dealing with. Forgiveness is a tough nut to crack for sure and I think you raise a very important concept of forgiving yourself first before forgiving your spouse. My recent post was really due to a recent epiphany that I've been feeling a lot less angry lately (4 years post Dday1 and 14 years post Dday2...same affair just TT).

Evio

I met my H when I was 16. (I'm now 65) Really just a child. He was 18. Popular, good looking. I, like you felt "chosen".

I have spent my entire life with him feeling somewhat inadequate. My problem, not his. I put up with a lot of disrespect over the years because I did not respect myself. Ironically, I thought I could deal with it because you know "at least he's loyal"! :)

Finding my backbone, my worth has been the best thing to come from all of this. There's another poster on SI that is stuck in victimhood. What a horrible place to be. I can now look lovingly into my H eyes (lol) and tell him he's flippin lucky to be in my life. HE won the lottery. I still have my moments of insecurity, but I have gotten much better at lifting myself up. I'm a catch and I know it. :)

I don't look at it as forgiving myself but as strengthening myself.

Maybe the old me did die that day, but I'm creating a new me I like a hell of a lot more.

Love it!

Oldwounds - thank you for your kind words especially the Badass bit!
I know I don't need to forgive myself for my husband's choices but I still feel a need to forgive myself for letting myself be disrespected by my husband besides his affair and for not valuing myself enough to demand better. I always believed from childhood I was too sensitive, too much, too demanding when all I actually asked for was the same love and respect I was giving. My husband acknowledges he treated me badly besides his affair and is addressing it with his counsellor.

Bos - I get your angst towards your parents..I have felt similar towards mine and particularly towards my husband's as I can see how his upbringing influenced the choices he made (not an excuse at all but his parents were so avoidant and he never faced any consequences so he became both selfish and avoidant). I recently had my in laws visit and in starting to see them and flawed individuals in their own way which is helping me develop forgiveness. Humans are complicated beings!

Truman - you're so right. I know my husband is lucky to have me and lucky to have this gift of reconciliation. If, after a significant amount of time has passed, my pain is too much...I will leave...I refuse to be a permanent victim and if I have to choose me or my husband in the future, I'll choose me.