SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wife returned from about 10 days away from the family: She needed the time, she needed to gather her thoughts. Distance. First time away since the kids were born (so a decade in total)

Now she is back. It feels like the stage where we were at just got worse.

No kissing even, she told me she did not miss me (as a couple at least) and that she feels a bit empty and that love for her s deeply linked to trust (which of course it is) and that since I broke that, she doesn't know if she can rebuild it again. (last episode of infidelity from my part: an online cam thing, was about 5 months ago). She says she is willing to give couples therapy a try, mostly because we have kids.

The whole drive back from going to get her (I went with the kids) I could not hold back the tears, Luckily it was nighttime, and I was silently driving. But I am spent. I thought there was a small chance before, she was a bit more close physically before leaving, a bit more communicative. Now I feel this put us in a worse place.

I don´t know where to go to from here. I really feel done.

I don´t know where to go to from here. I really feel done.

BH here. You said in your last thread that you prefer direct communication. I’m all over that. Please read in my words a desire for your good, your wife’s good, your childrens good.

When you say "I really feel done", what do you mean by that? Do you mean that you are discouraged by your wife coming back and being more distant than when she left and that discouragement has you ready to stop trying? Or are you saying that you think her reaction is signaling that she is going to ask for a divorce and you are saying that you are hopeless?

In my humble opinion, you don’t have enough information for the second. And to be perfectly honest, if it’s the first, then I recommend you do everyone a favor and tell your wife that you want a divorce and end the agony.

This is a LOOOONG process. She is going to be hot then cold, raging then immobilized, certain and then baffled. If you have an expectation that she is going to move in a linear fashion towards healing and maybe reconciliation, remove that thought from your mind. It’s a rollercoaster, and it’s much worse for her as the one on it than for you just watching and (hopefully) regretting being the reason she is on it.

If what you have seen so far makes you want to give up, you should man up and pull the plug. You’ve only seen 8% of it. It’s an IronMan triathalon topped with a nice mountain climb at the end. She has to do it to get back to healthy. You only have to do it if you want to stay married to her.

But if what you are saying is that you are reading her signals like she is giving up, the good news for you is that might not be it at all. She might come around on the roller coaster tomorrow and seem completely different. You need to talk with her. Unless she has told you in a clear and logical voice that she wants a divorce, she is still trying to figure things out. And if you really want to R with her, then you should bare with that.