SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is all still very fresh for me, but we WANT to reconcile. I’m struggling with the lying/trusting. Like how he could lie to my face for so long? On the one hand I feel like I don’t even know my own husband. On the other, I want to make things better and start fresh. But how do you get past the lying and begin to trust again?

TIME and consistency. LOTS of time and 100% consistency.

Please visit our Just Found Out forum and read all the pinned posts and posts with bullseyes (may need to go back a few pages). Also check our our healing library. Lots of great stuff to help you wrap your head around this.

And yeah, it’s like an alien took over spouses but the reality is they DID lie. A lot. And THEY need to prove over months/years that they have changed from lying cheater to trustworthy spouse. It takes a lot longer than anyone wants, but each little deposit into the trust bank (with no more lying at all) helps to rebuild. Also, as you go through that process, use the trust but verify approach. He needs to go to the effort to show you and prove his honesty - you should not trust him yet (nor be expected to).

Also, be aware that many (most) do not get the full story right away- many WS (wayward spouses) minimize and lie by omission initially. These are lies and trickle truth does a TON of damage to the rebuilding. But sadly it is really really common.

Remember that this is something HE needs to fix. He did this. Just take care of you for now.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're joining us. I second BB's post about reading the posts in JFO (Just Found Out). There's some really good info there.

Have you both been tested for STDs/STIs? There are some nasty things out there. If you're struggling with depression or sleep, maybe ask your doctor for some meds.

If you can, IC (Individual Counseling) with a betrayal trauma therapist can be helpful. Your WH (Wayward Husband) should have IC to work on his whys. Also, he should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Expect your emotions to be all over the place from numb to flaming rage. It's normal. Exercise can help you process the feelings through your body. Stay hydrated and be sure to eat, even if it's an energy drink.

Take care of you at this time.

Trust is rebuilt with consistent, safe behavior over time.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:25 PM, Monday, December 1st]