SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a long while since I've posted, but had one of the biggest triggers since I've healed. It's been years, but this one pushed me right over the edge.
Fww and I have been comfortable for years. Probably not true R by most definitions but mostly and usually cordial. Then a sucker punch...
My fww fancied arrogant and domineering men, which I am the complete opposite. I was always the nonconfrontational one almost to the point of being cowardly because she never stopped them and seemingly was having fun so my intervention seemed pointless as she didn't want me to intervene. A few years after d-day something changed with me and I made it perfectly clear that I would never put my tail between my legs ever again. I haven't always cared for her behavior around other men since, but I was usually able to arrive at the conclusion it was just her personality and nothing to worry about. She works around a lot of other guys and there is one in particular that I just don't trust. I'll keep out the other details, but I came across some video footage of him talking some serious smack. I don't think anything happened, but when I confronted fww she said I was over reacting and he was just joking. I went full tilt off the rails and wanted to go to her work and confront him directly and "let the cards fall where they may". It was her reaction to mine that made me trigger so hard. She started defending him and said it was sweet that I wanted to defend her. That's not it though. She didn't want to confront him as if that was welcomed behavior. When I explained that his actions were disrespectful to me, she got pissed. That in turn made my blood boil and I explained why. She's still pissed at me because I triggered and believes my hurt feelings were unwarranted. She was trying to reassure me that there is nothing going on between them but I told her that it was her accepting behavior to his behavior and her protecting him instead of me that hurt. She doesn't understand and thinks I'm just being an ass. I told her that I will never be a coward to another man that wants to talk smack. I'd rather he send me to ER than turn my back. She stopped talking to me.

Am I off my rocker?

You are not alone in your thoughts. Your wife has disrespected you for many years.

That’s the black and white of your situation.

You don’t need to confront her work colleague. Your wife is the one that needs to change. Change her attitude in how she lets other men talk to her, interact with her and thus, stop allowing herself to be "used" for their "jokes" or innuendo.

I can share that my H was always a bit flirty with other women, even in front of me. It was always very harmless but I learned how other women were "interested" because he listened and joked around etc. It was never inappropriate but people genuinely like him.

However when he started cheating I realized MY mistake (same as you). It was no longer tolerated but of course I became "the crazy jealous wife" blah blah blah.

I don’t have a solution for you to get your wife to see your point of view. I got my H to see mine because during his last affair I kicked him out and told him I was D him. I had enough of the disrespect + lying + cheating.

It wasn’t idle talk. I meant every word.

Long story short he realized his mistakes and the disrespect he showed me. He made some significant changes and we are very happily reconciled.

In short order at the time if dday2 I did the hard 180, emotionally detached and started my own social life (he was not invited). I have my own $ and put myself first every day.

My H knows there are no more chances and I can (and will) walk out the door in a heartbeat. He also knows he caused me to become this person.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:42 PM, Friday, December 5th]