This is my first time posting. I am F46 and have been married to my H55 for 24 years. We have 2 grown up children (one getting married very soon).
Last week I went on holiday to see our new holiday home. My husband went to get a shower and I don't know why but a voice in my head told me to check his phone. (I have not done this in over 20 years). He is using a different phone whilst abroad (I assumed borrowed from family). As I started to scroll up through the messages, I genuinely thought it was someone else (owner of the phone) chatting to a woman. I was convinced it was not him until I reached the top where he had sent a picture of himself.
In that moment I felt my heart drop and my world spin. I frantically screen recorded everything, my hands shaking from the shock. He came in the room and I confronted him. I started to cry, my body came out in a rash and he was trying to console and explain everything. He answered all my questions and said it was a huge mistake and sheer stupidity. The messages only lasted about two weeks, approx 6 months ago. There have been no follow up calls and I can see that they never met.
My issue is we have clear boundaries in this regard. He was very persistent and asking her to meet which hurts deeply. The fact it is where our new holiday home is also fills me with fear for the future.
Unfortunately this is not the first time this has happened. I found similar messages at the start of our marriage although they were very innocent ‘hows your day, what you doing’ type messages. At that time I forgave him. He was honest and told me it was an ego boost. It felt easy to forgive him as the messages weren't flirty or sexual. We are all human, we all make mistakes and maybe something was lacking in our marriage or in his confidence at that time.
Up until now I have felt so secure in our marriage. We have been the best we ever have and seemed happy and in love on both sides. I never questioned his loyalty to me and he has never given me reason to be suspicious. It has come completely out of nowhere and I am struggling to understand why he has done it.
He swears on everything, his faith, his beloved late mother and his life that he has never met another woman or ever cheated on me and has no desire to be with anyone else. (Somehow, I do believe this)
He sent me voice notes of him sobbing uncontrollably about how he had risked everything he held dear for a lapse of sanity. He has messaged me constantly asking and begging for forgiveness and that he will do anything for the sake of our marriage.
I flew back alone (his ticket was already extended to complete the build). I was so hurt at the airport that I could not hug him or even look back (This broke him completely.) I love him with all of my being and to hear him so upset is killing me but I am staying firm and told him that I am unsure how I feel about our future.
In all honesty, I just want to pretend it never happened as everything was so good until that moment (or so I thought). Do I give up on 24years of marriage for a two week blip? Will I live with constant paranoia now? I feel like I’m slowly going insane, I cannot sleep, I’ve lost so much weight. I look ill and he is genuinely worried for my health (he watches me on the ring doorbell) and has said he will pay for counselling for me. No doubt this has affected my confidence, self esteem and mental health.
We agreed that we will not discuss this with anyone else currently as we do not want this to overshadow or ruin our son’s wedding. But that is making things so much harder as I am having to carry on as normal with everyone.
I do want to say that I know he is a very good man, he is kind and treats me and our children well. He is an extremely hard worker and always strives to do his best for us. I know he is genuinely sorry and remorseful for what he has done however I do believe that the first time is a mistake and the second is a choice!
Would you give him one final chance? Would you lay down any conditions?
It might be the pain talking but I cannot see my life without him (I know nothing else) and could not start again.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I pray that everyone gets to a place where they feel peace with whatever decisions they take and to those who offer support and a kind word - you are angels x
