SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know what I really want from posting this but feel like I just need to off load.

I feel like I’m being manipulated by my WW. Im told I need to move on and I cant keep doing this. I tried to tell my WW that I am struggling. Her response was that "you are always struggling".

I feel when I need to look to her for support, she turns defensive, then accuses me of starting an argument. It feels like she made her choices and now wants me to accept them under her terms and in her time scale.

When we are fine she says that she understands how I feel and that I never treated her badly or give her any reason to have an affair. But then when we argue she is telling me that Im being horrible to her. I have noticed a pattern. When she says I’m horrible is when I have brought up the affair or tried to get some reassurance about the state of our marraige.

I feel like I cant talk to her anymore. At times she has even said I chose to stay. So I have made my choice and I have to let it go. She has said that I never think how she feels. Her words were i only ever thing about myself and its all me, me, me.

I have asked how she thinks I feel trying to move on after what she did. Her response was how do I think she feels because she lives this every day too.

It feels like anything I say to her she finds a way of putting it back on to me. She says she loves me, but I’m hard work. She keeps asking why am I doing this? Why I I bring up the affair, why am I looking for reassurance when she has said she isn’t going anywhere.

She even said that it’s not her affair destroying our marriage its me. Because I won’t let it go.

I just don’t know how to get out of this slump that we are in.

She says she loves me, but I’m hard work.

I hear you. My wife’s song for me was "Hard to Love". Fuck that, reject it man.

You can’t pull this out of the slump because she is doing everything wrong. You as the betrayed have every right to be hurt and talk about it. She as the betrayer has absolutely no right to be defensive, impatient, or play the victim.

She is not doing her part to reconcile.

@InkHulk

Thank you for your reply.

Thats the thing I keep telling her she is not acting like some one thats sorry should act. She just says that I shouldn't listen to what everyone else says as this is our life and our life is different to everyone else's.

She is telling me I should be over this by now and I cant keep doing this. She even asks me why I am still acting like this.

She doesn't see how defensive she is. As soon as she gets defensive she turns it in to an argument so I back off or we argue and then its my fault.

She is absolutely not behaving like somebody who is actually sorry. And you are not wrong to expect genuine heartfelt remorse. All her protestations and DARVO cannot be allowed to distract you from those two very simple truths.

Read your last thread. 4 years is a long time to be dealing with this. This won’t just get better with time, the "I’m back after 15 years" threads prove that.

Is divorce an option in your mind?

@InkHulk

Divorce is really not an opinion. I am 100% committed to our marraige and 100% committed to her. Maybe that makes me stupid but I still want to believe the good in her.

Don't get me wrong she does try in different ways. She texts every day to say she loves me. She hugs me when I get home from work and kisses me good bye. The little things like that she does.

But its like I need help and support to get through this. The fact that she is making this my fault, because I'm not on her time line is wrong.

If divorce is entirely not an option for you, then you are stuck. She will treat you abhorrently whenever she wants to, and you can’t change that. And there is no amount of "support" that is going to make you ok with her horrible behavior or her refusal to so much as talk to you about the affair.

You are looking for how to best rugsweep. Sorry, mate, it’s just going to suck.

I’d advise that you re-examine why you won’t even consider divorcing a woman who cheats, lies, and emotionally abuses you.

Please understand that I am neither pro-R nor pro-D. My only hope for any betrayed spouse is to find their own way out of infidelity, to find their own path towards peace of mind, body and soul. It is only when we can find peace with ourselves that we can find peace with the rest of the world.

It's seems that your WW has set the terms and conditions of reconciliation and staying married. These terms and conditions are unacceptable to you, correct?

In every relationship we have (family, spouses, friends, coworkers and bosses) we automatically, instinctively, establish a relationship dynamic. These dynamics govern how we interact with these people. Your WW is well aware of the dynamic she's established with you and knows exactly which "buttons" to push in order to manipulate the conversation and, by consequence, manipulate you.

You, sir, have the power to change this dynamic. It begins with establishing boundaries.

Infidelity is not a mistake; it's a choice (a series of choices, actually). The next time she insists otherwise, you have a choice to make. You can either accept this untruth and let it go at that, or you can choose to not accept it and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you refuse to live with it.

I have long advised betrayed spouses to get as comfortable as possible with both reconciliation and divorce. It's something that was drilled into my head when I was a new member many years ago. Without allowing yourself that choice, that freedom, you surrender control over your own happiness and well-being.

I would imagine that your wife has zero interest in doing the work that R requires; owning and fixing her shit. She will not admit that infidelity is a choice because that would force her to accept that she is capable of such base and self-destructive behavior. And that's exactly what infidelity is; self-destruction. So, she keeps insisting that it was just a mistake, which negates her accountability. Everyone makes mistakes, right? It's bullshit and she knows it, but she can maintain this nonsense because she knows you'll do nothing to change this dynamic.

Now, it's up to you to decide whether or not you're willing to live with this crap. I understand from your previous posts that family is everything to you and that separating or divorcing is off the table. If that's the case then you're living in a prison cell of your own creation and have no one to blame for that but yourself.

It's high time for you to establish your own terms and conditions. If you truly want to save your marriage you're going to have to risk its demise.