SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have any of you run into this scenario where things are improving (rather significantly) but your brain is stuck in this mode where it wants to resist the progress almost like it feels like the wayward hasn't endured enough of the pain yet in order for you to move on. It feels so petty, but there are times where emotionally I'm feeling like there's been so much improvement between her and I and then my mind puts the brakes on and says "wait a minute, you're letting her off too easy...she needs to continue to feel your anger and sorrow more". My IC talks about stopping and acknowledging those thoughts as fight or flight reactions that are still lingering and my brain wanting to know that it's "safe" to keep moving forward. It seems to be a unique emotion tied to infidelity like so many others we go through.

100% understand this. I think it is completely normal. My W struggles with this roller coaster from me sometimes, almost expecting a rough week if we've had a great weekend together. She understands and doesn't get angry, but it makes her sad. Your post sounds so much like my pattern sometimes.

Wise IC.

Actions can be criminal. Thoughts are just thoughts.

My IC talks about stopping and acknowledging those thoughts as fight or flight reactions that are still lingering and my brain wanting to know that it's "safe" to keep moving forward. It seems to be a unique emotion tied to infidelity like so many others we go through.

Our brains are amazing...and our limbic system instinctively helped us stay alive a long time ago. But at times it can seem to be an enemy! Reading up on the limbic system...limbic lag...or our lizard brain may help you to understand some of your resistance .

The thing is...our limbic system keeps track of our experiences and then acts instinctively when a similar experience happens again. It doesn't matter whether it is one day ago or 30 years ago...our limbic system can recall this experience quickly and then our body reacts instinctively...without logical thought.

It can be retrained...but not by logic. It can only be retrained by experience . When you are feeling there is progress...and you are starting to have good feelings toward your wife...your fight response is kicking in telling you that she is the enemy. Your brain and body start reacting instinctively because it wants to SAVE you from more pain. You can combat this by being more friendly toward your wife . As your limbic system experiences that she is not your enemy...it will act instinctively in a different way.

Yes, I did this for a long time in the beginning. One of the reasons I didn't leave my H was because I wanted to make him suffer. I wasn't going to let him off easy by leaving so he could go off into the sunset with the OW. I was angry and he was going to pay!

I spent years feeling that way. I did my best to hurt him as much as I could. I was absolutely horrible to him. (I don't regret any of it, btw.)

It's been 11.5 years now. I still struggle with this now, but only when he slips back into his old behaviors. The difference now is that I can think myself out of it. I remind myself that he is trying. I call him out on the behavior. We discuss it in MC. My fear and anger dissipate.

Our MC recently pointed that we are both guarded with each and hold back. I know why I'm like that. I asked my H what I had done to make him feel that way. What had I done to hurt him so badly? He said being overly critical. We're still working on things.