SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Accepting that your old marriage and your relationship failed and you need to start fresh with a new one is hard for many reasons. Putting over 40 years of marriage ( 15 years LTA) in the rear view mirror is challenging. So many photos from those affair years that trigger me. You really need to rethink these moments and know that you were truly happy in them even though her mind and heart may not be in the same place. I can tell you we have a good foundation to build on in our second attempt at marriage but it is a very slow build with lots of history of failure to learn from and accept and get through it. My wife once told me after Dday that I lost nothing but I gained a wife who loves, appreciates and respects me more than ever before. I lost a lot and because I chose to stay and fight for my marriage I also chose to face this head on everyday until it fades away into the back of my mind. This is not how I planned going into retirement but it is the hand that was dealt to me and I don't give up easily. I offer a glimmer of hope out there for those who choose to reconcile. If you learn from your past mistakes and choices, set good boundaries and have open and honest communication moving forward you've got a good start. It will be hard work but it will bear fruit. Infidelity is brutal and my wife's LTA went 15 years, so if I can do this anyone can. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I believe this describes me as well as my wife and our new relationship.

Lost1313

LOVE this...thank you for sharing !! You are so right...starting over IS hard...but getting to the OTHER side of infidelity is sooooooo WORTH IT !!

I knew from early on after Dday that I didn't lose anything except for a false M. My core didn't change . My H USED his adultery co-conspirator while he was working alone overseas...and she USED him. That is what cheaters do...they USE each other to get their own selfish desires met. Whether it is a one night stand or 15 years...being USED in that way doesn't feel very good. I certainly understand why your wife appreciates you now...just like my H did. My love for him was authentic...and he saw the difference after the adultery co-conspirator showed her true colors to him...and he realized just how much HE was used by her .

I did gain a better H after Dday too . Would I have liked him to have gotten this way without having an A? Of course! But that isn't what happened. ALL affairs are dealbreakers. PERIOD. I decided to void our deal and go for D. Within an hour though we started on a new deal and went for R. I mourned our precious M that we had...but I am LOVING this new M...I call it our Mv2.0 !!

NONE of us can go back. If we could...my H would. He would give anything to NOT have his A. That is enough for me . Even though we can't go back...we CAN move forward...with this new knowledge so that we don't make the same bad choices as before. Life IS good...and we are HAPPY...and I have PEACE again .

It took me over 7 years to get healed from this though. You seem to be doing this at a much faster pace ! May you and your wife continue down this wonderful R path !!

Here-Here, Lost1313,

What a wonderful outlook!!! Thank you for this uplifting post.

And I will add the same comment to Want2BHappyAgain’s reply. I applaud you both for not only finding your paths through the wastelands of infidelity but recognizing the gains and applying them to your "new marriages". Bravo!!!

Asterisk