SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
I haven't posted or even read on here in some time but I feel like I could really do with some advice.
My partner and I had been working on our relationship after he had a ONS at the beginning of 2024. Things got bad before they got better, with his actions only beginning to change in January 2025, when he started seeking help for his drug addiction. I thought things were going okay, he seemed to have been changing and doing the work on himself.
Towards the end of the year things started to feel a bit off. I found out at the end of November that he had been having an affair for around three months with a woman from his NA meetings, someone I had actually previously asked him to stop speaking to because their 'friendship' made me uncomfortable. The affair had ended a couple of weeks before I found out, but he admitted he realised he'd made a huge mistake and hoped I would never found out.
I spoke to the other woman who was actually devastated by it all. She had been told our relationship was over, the reason she split with the father of her children was because he had affairs and that was what led her to being in NA in the first place.
I immediately decided I'm not doing this again, the one night stand was one thing, but a full on affair? No chance I'm not getting over that one. The level of planning, deceit, disrespect...I'm still in shock at a lot of it tbh. He had a second phone, a made up friend...he got around everything we had in place like me being able to check his phone, check his location, etc. I would never feel comfortable or safe ever again.

The plan was to wait until after Christmas to tell the family and then he would have to move out.
Then on Christmas Day my mother was rushed to hospital and she died a few days later. She had poor health but it was a shock. It's not really sunk in still.
I'm completely torn on how to navigate things going forward. As much as I hate him for what he's done, he was there with us at the hospital with her, he was a real support for my whole family, he did all of the things like reaching out to family members, speaking to drs, things that myself and my dad were too preoccupied to think about. He has been a huge help since too, particularly with my dad.
I have not changed my mind about what needs to happen but I also am leaning on him heavily right now. I've stated that if he's doing all of this in the hope that I will change my mind, then he should stop, but he insists he wants to do it all, he loved my mother as well (we've been together since we were kids pretty much). I don't want to take him away from my dad right now either.

What do I even do now?
I'll absolutely never forgive him for the fact that I even have to think about this while grieving for my mother. But it also seems harsh to let him do all of this and then just be like, okay you can go now?
My head is all over the place. I don't know what to do.

Ending the relationship doesn't necessarily mean he loses access to your father. Once your father knows why the relationship ended he will decide for himself if he wants anything to do with your husband and chances are he won't

Once things settle down with you over your mom's passing then you can decide if you want to push forward with the divorce. I would suggest telling him divorce is still on the table so he has no false ideas about your future

It takes a long time to build trust but only seconds to destroy it and rebuilding that trust takes far longer. The general consensus is it takes years

Welcome to the club that no one ever thought they would become a member of and sorry you are here but you are in a great place for advice and support

I'm so sorry about the sudden loss of your mother. What a horrible thing to happen while you're still reeling from this massive second dday. That's a lot of grief and trauma on your shoulders right now.

Bear in mind that just because he does the right things now or in the future, that doesn't mean you owe him reconciliation or forgiveness. Betrayal is forever, and R must be given freely. If you don't want to give it, you can decide that today or a year from now or 10 years from now, and that's okay. Many of us wait on divorce for other circumstances, and in the meantime, the WS can be perfect or imperfect. That's up to them. What we do with that is up to us.

Please don't feel guilty or obligated because you're leaning on him right now. Think of these actions as him bailing out a leaky boat. It's the right thing to do in the moment, but it doesn't mean the boat won't eventually sink.

One aside about the OW: for all her "devastation" at what happened, she didn't have the courage to tell you the truth, and if she was betrayed herself, she ought to have known that leaving you ignorant was wrong (not that this has any bearing on your situation or what you ultimately decide to do).

My advice for right now would be to let the decision go on the shelf and work on recovering from all these blows. As the intensity winds down, clarity will show up. Sending you my deepest condolences.

Wow so sorry you're going through an impossibly hard time.

Please be kind and gentle on yourself

My advice for right now would be to let the decision go on the shelf and work on recovering from all these blows. As the intensity winds down, clarity will show up

I agree completely with NoThanks...

My sincere condolences to you and your family on the loss of your mother. May her memory be a blessing.

I echo the idea of not making any permanent decisions right away. You have time to grieve and work through these two major life events -please remember nobody is standing there with a calendar to time you on how long it takes you to get through this.