Hey SI!
I haven't posted much in a while, other than to provide my always witty replies to mundane stuff in Off Topic or Fun and Games. And if you don't check out Stupid Picture Friday, you are missing out. Too Trusting does an amazing job every week.
However, this is the reconciliation forum so that's what I'm here to talk about. My D-Day is in my signature block, just over 15 years ago. For those who remember me back then, I was a mess. If it wasn't for DS, the Menz of SI, and all the great support I got back then I have no idea where I would be. Finding SI was seminal in my surviving infidelity. It may of also saved my marriage as a side effect, but the sample size will be always too low to know for sure. But we are still together and flourishing.
Reconciliation takes many paths, sometimes they are U-Turns, divided highways, and at times dead end streets. Sometimes you have to back up and find another path, but there is no onus on you to continue the journey with the one that started it with you. That's on them to be a better part of the journey, not you. Took me a couple of years of therapy to really understand that but when I realized that loving myself more didn't mean loving anyone else less, I started to get better. I was pretty f'd up to say the least, did some self harm, cried for about a year, lost 75 pounds which I've since found about 30. But it was with the help of a lot of people able to heal. Now, what does that have to do with reconciliation?
Nothing, and everything. Because I was able to get to a point to reconcile, didn't mean my wife was there. She had to do her work. I think her journey was longer and more painful than mine only because I witnessed it. There was no big moment when I saw her recognize how deeply she had hurt me, but there were smaller moments over time. One of the things I did - and this is only my story so it's not a panacea - I decided that I wouldn't divorce her for one year, and I used SI as refuge for all I was going through. I don't recommend that journey, but I had ulterior motives. Our family, mainly our son. Being the child of divorced parents from infidelity? Yeah, I knew what he would go through and if there was a chance to shield him from that I would do it. But most of all I really loved my wife. Probably why it hurt so bad. So I was willing to put up for some short term real hurt for the chance it would pay off, because that's what I wanted.
Reconciliation isn't easy. And when people ask how long does it take? The rest of your life. We were probably five years out where we would go away on vacation or to an event when we didn't have to think about it. Honestly though, it never has gone away and will always be there. It was one of the most significant days of our lives as a couple, and I hate to say this, but D-Day is in our memory as strong as the day we got married. Don't have to tell you which one was my favorite. So if you are a mind to, give it time. I was always told by the wise people on this site that when the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing, you will change. I thought that was good advice, I just really regret sometimes my tolerance for not changing.
So here we are today, over 15 years from D-Day. We've watched our son graduate university and become a pilot in the Navy. We have two grandkids that we go watch play soccer. We've recently bought a second house that has a dock, because Sand didn't want to see a boat parked in front of our house. Getting a house with a dock was her idea. I'm pretty much retired, and get to split time between the fishing shack and our main house. And I could go on, but life has been great. Our relationship couldn't be better. Do we argue? Yep. Do I still trigger? Most days. But, I wouldn't trade the life I have now for anything else. Bigger, who is a legend on this site, has a tag line that says it all. Look it up. Or, I can condense it to "Dude, if you ain't happy that's your fucking fault". (Shout out to HT, my brother). Owning your life is hard, because it's expensive. At some point you have to figure out if you want to rent or own. My experience to this point in time may not relate to anyone, but hopefully someone. Reconciliation isn't easy, it isn't hard, it's personal, but it can happen.
Best luck in your own journeys.
Tred
[This message edited by Tred at 4:22 AM, Sunday, January 4th]
