SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A year ago I noticed odd behavior between my husband and my best friend of over 10 years. Little things that just seemed a little too much. After a visit fron her she started her 3 hour drive home and my husband jumped into the shower. Everything was screaming at me to check his phone. Well I did. And I found out my suspicions were correct. The things I read ill never be able to unread. They were planning to have sex. And sex without a condom on top of that. I was instantly shattered and from there I would never be the same. I confronted him through difficulty breathing and a spinning world and he seemed so calm. Was more upset I went through his phone than the fact that he destroyed me. After finding out he stopped hiding it. He was calling her during his hour commute to work, on lunch breaks, on his hour commute home, while my son was in the hospital to the point t his obsession with her almost costed him being there for my sons procedure. I had to call him to join us. He went on a walk through the hospital to talk to her. He decided he was leaving me. I was devastated. Dealing with a sick kid and now him leaving was so much to bear. He began telling my son, the sick one, he was going to move out. Because my son didnt have enough to deal with. My daughter woukd see him texting her on his phone. This is a woman who has 0 of the attraction features my husband likes. My husband admires curves and a feminine woman. He likes women who dress feminine. She has the body of an adolescent boy and dresses as such. Large hands which he always claimed were a turn off to him. She has a lot of mental illness, history of violence drug and alcohol abuse and no self respect or integrity. She was a homewrecker once in her past and after succeeding breaking up his family she cheated on him. She was recently engaged and got pregnant with the man's child and he wanted the baby and she aborted it. None of these things are things we really stand for in our family. But she was my fired and I loved her. My children called her Aunt. Despite her bad character we bonded over our love for horror movies and became what I thought was good friends. The last year of our friendship she decided she wanted my husband and the life he ans I built. She has spent a lot of time with some real bad men couch surfing and living with person to person. Here my husband and I built a stable life and a beautiful home and her selfishness took over. When my husband and I woukd have fights id vent to her thinking she was my safe place. She vented to me plenty about her fiance at the time as well. Little did I know she was screen shooting my complaints and sending them to him. She was taking what woukd normally be a marital tiff and repair and making it far worse. On my sons birthday he finally had enough of his father's behavior and told him for his birthday he just wanted him to leave this woman and come back to his family. The guilt set in amd my husband agreed. Or so he said. Lied to my son and said he woukd block her and choose his family. Things after that were good for about 9 months. Then I started noticing things. She had actually moved here, 3 hours away, to be near him. Left her family and life behind. Women dont do that for a man who blocks then and cuts contact. She moved 2 months after promising my son he would stop. She began cyber bullying me on her social media. Especially ones my husband didnt have like tiktok. Posting song lyrics directed at me about killing, harming and "dragging a b*tch to hell". She also used God claiming God rescued him from me and gave her to him. And that I was the toxic one. She threw hate at me at an hourly basis. All day everyday I lived with this. Terrified because she is clearly unhinged for my husband and knows where we live and is now nearby somewhere. He had told me the day he called and ended things with her but when I checked the phone logs, there was no call to her. He moved their calls to something less traceable. Instagram. And a fake account at that. He started doing a lot of things out of the normal like going tk a gym 35 mins away instead of the one a mile away he used to go to. Spending time with guys from work late at night when he never did before. Taking a long time to get home. Always needing to go places but never wanting me to come with him. After some detective work on my part I confirmed it. They were having sex and he was telling her he loves her. He had stopped telling me that. She was telling him MY children woukd be fine if he left. He was telling her everything. He even told her my sexual preferences. I was horrified. He and I always had a healthy sex life. Sex every day. Then I noticed sometimes he would have some functional difficulties (very unlike him) or when he would climax there wouldn't be much. These make sense now as he was already with her and then with me, his body was spent. Knowing her history and fearing for my health I reached out to her ex fiance and he confirmed. She has herpes. Thank my lucky stars im clean. Maybe they used condoms I dont know. He is now aware of her status as she didnt disclose it. That didnt matter to him. He would take an STD risk over a clean and faithful wife. But he continued claiming no contact with her still denying it to this day but we both know. And he willingly put my health at risk. He told me over and over he didnt want me bringing up his infidelity and if I didnt stop he was done. Well after confronting him this last time and him denying it, lying looking me dead in the eye, I told him to call her in front of me, end things with her and start being transparent with his phone and location or i was done. He said "im not living like that." And walked out. Likely to stay with her. Im a week into this and a complete mess. I know im the better woman BY far. And we have children who are now devastated by this. They are angry with him. He doesn't seem to care. He visits them for 2 hours whenever he feels like it and thats it. We had a future in the building process together. Plans. We had a special life we loved. She cant function in public due to her mental issues. She thinks she is getting everything I had but I have a good lawyer who will make sure I get at least half. Likely have to pay my lawyer fees as well. He will be left with very little. Possibly no visitation or supervised as well due to details my lawyer is working through. His family is pissed at him. We were married almost 19 years. There is a lot of love between them and me. He says he will never marry again which I think she is hoping for. She wants him to take care of her but after this he will barely be able to take care of himself. I really wish he would just get help and come back to us. WHY are we not worth it and why is she worth losing so much for.

Amber,

You are worthy. Is not you. The issue is deep inside the WS.

He does not have the emotional maturity to face it, the A is an escape. A person that falls out of love and is mature would terminate the relationship before moving on.

When the WS has the affair is their trauma / issue the cause, that is why they betray us, that's why they do not break up first, but only (eventually) after they secured their future with the AP (which often collapses fast).

At the moment though, the WS issues are irrelevant, the only one who matters here is YOU and of course your children.
Do not let yourself forget it, he messed up, is not your responsibility to mend things for this person, you only have responsibility to protect yourself and your family.

His issues caused the disaster, so he is the last person in the world who should be taken care of.
Take good care of yourself above all.

Wounded,

I would not want my children around that woman.

Can your lawyer assure you of full custody? If so, I recommend divorce, and I don’t usually recommend divorce when there are children.

Expect a war. She will be pushing him to get "everything."

If your lawyer cannot assure full custody, then you have to live with this until he comes to his senses. He will, eventually. The longer this goes on, the nastier she’s going to get.

Best wishes.

WF, you’ve been heard. It sounds like you’ve seen a lawyer and you have a plan, so good for you.

They both sound like well practiced manipulators, and they deserve each other. It’s useless to argue with either of them, they’ll just throw bullshit at you, and they are better liars than you’ll ever be. Cut your losses and move on with your life!

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do to get him to come back. He has to want to, but do you really want him back after all of this? I think its good you're working with a lawyer. Seek some individual counseling, preferably with a trauma I formed therapist. This is no joke. Infidelity is devastating, and the damage it causes is often underestimated.

Please take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating and try to get some sleep. Tho I know that's easier said than done. I think you need to wash your hands of him as much as possible and don't look back. We know what you're going through and what this does to a person. It doesn't feel like it now, but it will get better for you, one way or another. So sorry you've found yourself here, but hang in there and keep posting. Use us to vent to if you like. Like I said, most of us understand what you're going through and there's a good group of folks here willing to listen and give feedback.