Hi Everyone! I’m back here after 20 years, and overall it’s been a great 20 years. I got a divorce from my ex-husband (he was the reason I joined this site almost 20 years ago).
Background:
I met an amazing man and we’ve been together for these last 20 years, we are lovers, business partners, best friends, and have been loyal to one another from day 1 (or so I thought). We built two companies and sold them both, and are now working on our 3rd company together and have been very successful.
About 15 years ago (yes, ancient history) we went through a tough time in our relationship and in fact, I almost ended it even though I was madly in love with him. He had a previous business partner before he met me that he brought to our 1st company, and this woman was a disaster. She was a raging alcoholic, verbally abusive to me (called me fat ass, junior asshole, I needed two chairs to sit down, etc.). He knew her before he met me and I discovered back then that they had a sexual relationship, but he told me they never had sex and that it was just a one night thing. My gut knew better and I suffered greatly during these two years, asking him frequently what was going on with them, are you in love with her, etc. Nothing but lies.
Finally, I hit my breaking point. One night 15 years ago, I saw an email exchange between them and even though again, there was nothing explicit, I knew. That night, I was despondent, and I couldn’t stop crying because I knew that this was our last night together as there was NO WAY I would EVER put up with this…especially after my issues with my ex (which my current partner knows ALL about). He lied again but gave me a little more detail about some sexual things they did in the past, but SWORE that was before he met me and that she always turned him down and nothing happened since he knew me. I thought he was finally telling me the truth, because he admitted just enough to satisfy me, and that has been our narrative ever since: he had one encounter years before he met me, he admitted to trying to fuck her many times and she turned him down. He even lied and told me that SHE came on to him (when he and I were together) and he said no to her sexual advances. Therefore, he set himself up as the hero of this story and I believed him. We've had a good 15 years together since then and she's been completely out of the picture for at least a decade.
Current Issue:
Fast forward to a couple nights ago (15 years LATER)…he finally tells me out of nowhere that indeed he did have sex with her that night (and I’m guessing many other times). This is very upsetting, even though it happened almost 15 years ago, because that was the night I was going to leave him over this woman and he knew that. I begged him for the truth, I cried my heart out that night. My gut was screaming at me, and he just lied and lied. I left with a bullshit story, completely unsatisfied.
At first when he told me a couple days ago, I wasn’t upset, but now that I think about it, I am really upset.
I’m not looking to leave him, he really has been a wonderful and loving partner. But, I am hurting in ways I didn’t expect. Here is my bottom line:
1.I am so angry at him because he lied to me that night. He withheld critical information that I needed to decide about MY life. I likely would have left him that night, so I feel like these last (mostly wonderful) 15 years have been somewhat predicated on a lie...and man, does that hurt.
2.He knew this woman made fun of me, laughed at me, abused and ridiculed me. Of all people, she was my biggest nightmare. He’d try to fuck her for at least 3 years before I met him and she teased him, but now that we were together, she decided to fuck him mostly like to get back at me and now knows that she can "have my man" whenever she wants. They both betrayed me, and he knew exactly how I felt about his and ultimately did NOT care. He chose fucking her over protecting me and my heart. I find that hard to forgive. Even my ex never slept with anyone I knew. This was double betrayal.
3.Sadly, our narrative has now changed. What I thought was "love at first sight" and "we’ve been a team from day 1" has now changed. Also, he said he loved me from the moment we met. I’m going to tell him that he can no longer say these things to me, our narrative and our love story is now different…that’s a heart break for me. He can no longer claim he loved me during these years, he didn’t. end of story. He knew there was a price to pay for sleeping with her, and now he has to pay that price.
I’m not jealous of her anymore, I’m dumbfounded that he could have lied to me about this and set himself up as this great guy who selflessly turned her down. I know I need to talk to him, I don’t want to get into a big fight and I know I'm not leaving him, but there is NO WAY I am going to suffer through this alone. I told him many times that this bullshit was changing the way I felt about him, and it has. I don’t know what to do…I’m hurt and he needs to be on the hook for it.
