SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me (41m), BW (35f) for over 6 years, married over 2.

DDay - yesterday (Jan 19th)

On Saturday (17th) I made the worst mistake of my life and had a ONS with a mutual friend while my pregnant BW was away for the weekend. Alcohol was involved but is obviously no excuse. Ever since I’ve been drowning in guilt - barely been able to eat, not really sleeping. I know I deserve this and so much more.

I told her almost immediately upon her return - I didn’t want to break this news over phone/text. She was devastated. We both broke down separately on the floor, out of eye sight from one another. She didn’t direct any hurtful words at me, but she said a number of things that still tore me apart. This is our first baby and is nigh a miracle; she said that even though she’s wanted a child for so long she regretted that she was pregnant. That hurt so much worse than any insult or physical object she could have thrown at me.

I wish there was some way I could help. I wish I could take her pain. But mostly I wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid. I destroyed my relationship with my best friend, the person I care about the most in the world.

I was intentionally vague about the intimate details when I told her about the ONS, but I told her I’d be forthcoming if she asked. Before she went to bed she did ask for those details, which I answered to the best of my recollection.

I am regret. I am shame. My heart reels watching the woman I love so deeply go through this pain that I caused. I wish I was a better person.

She asked "why" it happened. Said it was psychopathic for me to have done this now, given our situation. I don’t really recall how it even started that night; I think I was just excited that someone was showing interest? I need to figure out the why, not just for her but for me, if I ever want to be better, so I can be sure that this never happens again. I’ve have an initial appointment with an IC today, and I hope this is the first step on my journey of self discovery.

BW doesn’t think she can confide in anyone, doesn’t have anyone to talk to. I understand that; right now I don’t think I can tell anyone I know either. I suggested she find forums, or even get her own IC, but I think the wound is still too raw. She needs a little more time to process on her own first. At least I’ve had time to peruse these forums as I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, and now that I’ve joined I’m hoping I can find some community. A common theme I’ve seen around here is "be careful who you tell, because you can’t un-tell". I get that, but when I’m the person she would usually confide in and I’m the one who caused her so much pain, where can I direct her?

She said she doesn’t know what to do about the relationship. That her options of staying and leaving are both terrible. I told her I recognize that, I apologized again, and said that she doesn’t have to decide now. That I’d do whatever she wanted to because I need to face the consequences for my mistake. But I told her I still loved her so much and wanted to make this work, and I would do anything to keep us together. It hasn’t been 24 hours since D so I don’t know what will happen. But I know that this mistake will haunt me forever. I can’t imagine my life without her, but I know that’s a very real possibility. It terrifies me. I wish I’d had that same realization on Saturday.

I feel like a hollow shell. I know I need to find strength to support her in whatever ways she’ll allow me. But how do I find that strength when I'm just so damned sad?

I don’t have a lot of advice for you other than to suggest you immediately stop using the word "mistake" for cheating. The word "selfish, cruel, choice" is more appropriate. Your wife does not want to hear it was a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made knowing it was cruel, hurtful, and wrong.

I don’t have a lot of advice for you other than to suggest you immediately stop using the word "mistake" for cheating. The word "selfish, cruel, choice" is more appropriate. Your wife does not want to hear it was a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made knowing it was cruel, hurtful, and wrong.

You are right, thank you for this OTOSOH.

Hello, EnemyNo1.

There's a thread pinned to the top of this forum entitled: "Things that every WS needs to know." Please read it.

In the drop down menu at the top of the page you'll find a link to The Healing Library. Inside the Articles tab is a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. Some of these essays might be helpful to you and your wife.

Understand that for most people the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It takes several months just to recover from the shock and years to heal. It can permanently and fundamentally change the nature of a relationship.

You have a fairly unique problem on top of all of this with your BW (betrayed wife) being pregnant. Most BS (betrayed spouses) will have serious problems sleeping, eating, and functioning normally (the shock). Please do whatever you can to encourage her to eat, stay hydrated. Help out more than usual with household chores. I cannot say with any certainly that this may complicate her pregnancy, but I'd imagine that it's possible. I'd highly recommend that she make an extra appointment with her OB/GYN as soon as possible and let her know what's going on.

I'm sure this goes without saying, but all contact with the OW (other woman) must immediately stop, forever.

If your wife has a good friend or family member with whom she can confide, encourage her to do so. She needs someone to talk to. I'm sure you'd rather not endure the exposure. However, you're likely to have to suck it up and take the heat. Being pregnant, giving birth, and having a newborn is hard enough without dealing with the shitstorm your ONS has created.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," by Linda MacDonald, is a must read. It's a short book packed with incredible wisdom and guidance. Buy a hard copy and read it a few times.

Most of all, apologize often. Let her know through actions that you love her and want to stay married. Go the extra mile, you know, every day, in every way you can think of.

Don't ever ask for her forgiveness.

Reconciliation is possible. It's not easy. It takes time and two very committed people.