SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've seen it talked about quite a bit. The stages of recovery from infidelity usually include an anger phase, said to generally kick in around the 6 month to 1 year mark. I'm coming up on 10 months from d day and while I know it's still fairly early in the journey I think I'm past the shocked stage and pretty well into the "this actually happened" stage, but I'm not feeling the anger. I'm not saying that I'm not angry at all, I am of course, but I don't think I'm getting into an "more anger once the adrenaline wears off" stage. It's the same indignant anger I've had from the start, and if anything it's beginning to subside a little bit.

I'm not complaining. I've been anticipating it and haven't been looking forward to it, but I think I might be spared from this phase. Too early to tell? Am I being overly optimistic?

I have thought about this a lot. During the first discoveries (which happened two years before the final one), almost all of my anger was focused on my W's AP. I villainized him beyond belief. My feelings for my W were focused on hurt, mixed in with a lot of pick me stuff and hysterical bonding. After the final disclosure and actual ending of the A, I changed my focus to my W and understanding her why. For some reason, I have hardly ever felt deep anger toward her. I almost wanted to at times, but simply didn't. We are on a similar timeline of recovery (at least from our final disclosures), so I empathize with the "this actually happened" phase. For me it's a deep sadness. Maybe I'll get angry later. Reading so many perspectives here, it is clear to me that everyone's trauma response is unique to them. I'm trying to let go of identifying whatever I'm feeling at that moment with a certain stage I should be in. At times, I feel like I'm in all of them or none of them. Feel what you feel and don't feel ashamed of it, or judge yourself for where you think you should be. Best I got. Here for you.

@pogre I guess all journeys are different and none of us have the exact same feelings.

For me the anger I felt was the most powerful of all the emotions. I had never felt so much rage. During that time I was a version of myself I didn’t recognise and it was scary as hell. I would scream, yell, throw things, punch and kick walls - it was honestly awful.

Once the ‘rage’ finally left I have sort of been just plain old pissed off. Like how fucking dare he!!

It’s been 2 and a half years for me now and I’d say I’m still pissed off and often look at my WH with disgust. I now live in a marriage that I don’t think will last forever but for now it’s fine.

Pogre I speculate that this might be influenced by your own personal experience, as your R is going well as I understand, and this means your wife is really trying.

So you are in a phase where your relationship is on a healing path. This is important for you and important for her.

Your strongest emotions and energy is probably focused there, the anger stains secondary.

I think in general you get angry after the shock if you’re wayward stays wayward or unaccountable, so shock, sadness and then realization —> anger.

In my experience true anger came when she reattached and wanted to build a life together, so it comes a boiling rage as "so why the fuck did you do that if you say it was always the best thing, the only true thing in your life?"

It was explosive, suppressing it was self destructive.

There might be a time it will surge, or perhaps it will slide into the indifference like I feels now (which can be worse for the couple)

I was taught that anger is a signal that there's something about your life that you wish were different. I was also taught there are 2 types of anger: 1) that which you can do something about; 2) that which you can't do anything about.

The way out of the first type is to decide how much energy you'll put into changing your life.

The way out of the 2nd is to give it up, despite the injustice.

If you're lucky, you've learned how to give up anger. That opens one up to joy, grief, fear, shame, desire, etc.

Still, you may find yourself raging in the future.

Also, many of us are taught that anger is not OK, even though it's just a feeling. If you really can't allow yourself to feel anger, my reco is to mention that to your IC.

Also, many of us are taught that anger is not OK, even though it's just a feeling. If you really can't allow yourself to feel anger, my reco is to mention that to your IC

.

Anger is the healthy natural response to a boundary violation.
There’s nothing wrong about this.

Pogre I speculate that this might be influenced by your own personal experience, as your R is going well as I understand, and this means your wife is really trying.

I’m guessing I’ll be told by others I’m all wrong, but I’ve seen some common denominators where R tends to go well:

1. The unfaithful spouse relatively quickly reaches TRUE remorse, like "willing to crawl over broken glass for as long as it takes" level. The ones who take 100% responsibility, and accept all natural consequences that come their way, like leaving a job, cutting off friends who were enemies of the relationship, etc. The unfaithful demonstrates enormous patience with their betrayed, answers all questions, comes to detest their AP, consoles their BS in every way they can, etc. etc. etc.

2. While not being in ANY way responsible for the evil choices their spouse made, the betrayed spouse recognizes SOMETHING in them contributed to harming the relationship. The BS then takes action to do their part. Perhaps they drank too much. Perhaps they were emotionally or physically absent when they didn’t have to be. Something.

I see Pogre fitting this (gasp) something of a generalization of circumstances, and I’m legit thrilled R is going well for him.

Pretty much that is what a real R seems like.

Any but or if can lead to a false R, the wayward may even not stray again, but the flaw is still there, not acknowledged and worked on, just swept under the rug.

True reformed wayward partners do the work and become a different person that a partner can build a relationship with.