Hello my SI friends, I’m here again.
I’m sad and angry, I had a meltdown this morning, mostly because I feel angry that my H was blind to exactly what AP was and heartbroken that he didn’t protect me. It’s hard to accept that love doesn’t guarantee protection or safety.
I’m angry that for 14 years he was manipulated by his mother who’s main goal was to get rid of me and our boys, then he met AP a few years after his mother died who’s main goal was also to get rid of me and our boys.
I’m angry that I don’t understand or believe his A story, it just doesn’t make sense and I don’t think it ever will and I don’t like this.
I’m angry that now my arse has been firmly planted in reality and I’m left looking at the absolute horror of what my husband did my brain has now started wanting to excavate again, I don’t like this.
I’m angry and insulted that he chose to cheat with such low level scum. Sex workers and a coworker that in all honesty he’d have been better going in the gents toilet, lifting the seat up and licking around the rim of the bowl, it’s probably been used by less men at work and would have been much cleaner. I’m 100% convinced that it was because my H’s kissy wissy A that I got Bell’s palsy at the height of the covid pandemic and was admitted to hospital for 4 days because I have a brain condition that they needed to keep their eye on, I was placed on a COVID ward, he could have fu@*ing killed me and I’m as mad as a bear with a sore arse about that.
I bring all of this to him, he’s remorseful, heartbroken, apologetic, takes all of the rage and will sit in every ounce of pain and cry with me, this also makes me angry because he’s doing everything right and he has done for a long time.
You know, I do love my H dearly, we get on so well together, we enjoy each others company and we can still laugh together until our tummies hurt (mostly about my rage recently) I really don’t want to lose my family and have decided that I want to give R a really good try but I’m just concerned about this absolute agony pit I get myself in to. Once I get in the pit I just can’t see a day where I won’t be in pain. It really is hard to stay in the present and focus on the now.
I had my exit from my M planned a long time ago, I knew what I was going to do if needed and sometimes I think the escape from pain would be to go but the thought of never seeing my husband again knocks me sick, I know that I’d grieve for him terribly and the thought of being with another man repulses me, I couldn’t ever invest in a man ever again, it’s simply not worth the risk. I’m perfectly fine with my own company and I’d get myself a dog best friend.
I’m not really sure what to do with my own head right now as there’s a lot flying around in there, not weather to stay or go I’m staying for now but I think I’m getting tired of the roller coaster, I’m getting physically ill now too and I think it’s because of this, back, neck and stomach pain, the reason I think it’s because of this stress is because when I had a meltdown this morning I screamed and cried and shouted and my back pain has lessened drastically. I’ve done 13 months of hell and I’m ok with the 3-5 year healing period but I just want advice on how to stop this bull shit ride or at least get a significant improvement.
I have read on here that it is ok to detach for a while, well I must be abnormal because that will not work for me, if I detach I’m gone there’s no going back, that’s just how I am.
I think I need a good talking to so I’m hoping that my SI friends will help me out with that.
